You should all feel flattered. My husband has been trying to cheer me up tonight and I said "I just need to go talk to my online friends." *sigh* Well here's the story. First, this year of law school has been tough because I have kind of fallen out of touch with the people I thought were my friends. I kind of feel like I'm going it alone there now and I miss having someone to laugh with or crab to when the going gets tough. Don't know why I'm not in their circle anymore but its just like high school again and I am too old to put up with that crap. Thats just a little background as to why I don't feel like I have anyone to explain this to.
So, my crohns has been doing great lately but this morning it was rearing its ugly head. I was running a little late for classes so instead of making my usual bathroom stop I held it till I got to school. I don't know if it is possible but I swear it made it worse. I pooped for what felt like forever. I felt like my rectum was inflamed and I just couldn't stop pushing. I thought an intestine was going to come out. Finally I went to class. It is my trial practice class so there is tons of public speaking which I really don't mind. It is the fact that the class is at 8:00am that I mind. Today we were in a smaller seminar style room so it was really obvious if I got up. I really don't care too much what people think of me but it just adds insult to injury at times. I kept feeling like I had to go again and thought it was a false alarm. Ive suspected I might have a fistula for some time and the doc says I don't. I kept feeling a pressure in my vagina and I was so distracted thinking maybe I had a fistula. So I go to the bathroom again and it is the same as the first time. Go go go go go. And this time, I had a lovely streak on my underwear from the last time. Love it. Wipes don't always get it all I guess. So I'm in there a good 10 minutes and go back to class. My Prof must have noticed how icky I felt because he skipped over me for the oral exercise. Thank you very much. Then it was time for round 3. Same as above. In total I missed about 25 minutes from class. My prof is great and so are my classmates but it still upsets me at times. I was also in a lot of pain and just wanted to go home but I really couldn't miss my tax class at 10:40 and I had to work afterwards.
So then I went to a meeting about picking classes for next semester. The classes that are offered suck and I really wish I had done an externship instead. In order to take what I want and still have a job I am going to be in the city from 8 am till 8pm about 4 nights a week. I have a 45 minute commute each way. My house is on the market but the market also sucks. I really don't want night classes but at least I will get more of my homework done at school in the time between classes and maybe get to spend more time with my hubby when I get home.
So then I go to work. I have been working for this law firm since before law school and thought I had a guaranteed job there after school. I love everyone there, it is low key and small but good money and interesting work. Anyway, the lawyer who I am closest to starts asking me if I am applying for clerkships after school. That is where you work as a judges slave for a year. I told him I had no interest in doing that, and I wanted to start my career instead. He seemed really disapointed and thought that everyone should do a clerkship, you learn a lot blah blah blah. Well I'm not totally comfortable having to sit in a court room everyday and having to explain crohns to a new person etc etc. Then another lawyer comes in and is like "oh you should totally do a clerkship. I so regret not doing one." Then she starts, what do you want to do when you graduate? Well I say trying not to get upset, I wanted to work here. They basically kept talking as if that was an option but still telling me I should do all this other stuff in my life first. I'm sure you all understand that once we find a comfort zone it is hard to leave it. She is telling me I should go work for a DA's office somewhere in a big city. Then they were asking me if I wanted to move out of Maine, and when Im going to want to start a family. Im not sure if I want to have kids and if they do my husband will be the stay at home. But this was all not stuff I felt like thinking about today. So I start to explain that I do have to somewhat limit my job options to those I can do comfortably with crohns aka have bathroom access. I tried to explain how I missed 25 minutes of class this morning and got all choked up. I was so embarrassed. My husband said I had nothing to be ashamed of. Its normal to cry when you are talking about a life long chronic illness that may effect your career. But at work, with the lawyers, is NOT where I want to cry. So here is the kicker!!! She wants to know my rank in school and I say Im number 31 in my class (of about 95). She's like, yeah thats good but can you get in the top 20? You should work really hard because if you get in the top 20 you have it made. UM WHAT?? I'm working as hard as I can. I thought my 3.2 average was great. But I guess its not good enough. I know law schools are insane and law firms only like the cream of the crop but I really don't know what more I can do to do "better." So it seems like yeah I could have a job there but that they all think I should do more to get more experience so I can "get a job anywhere" in the future. And to do that I need to be in the top 20. Especially because I come from a "bad law school." Now granted I know our curriculum sucks. We have a small dingy building. It is a state school and my tuition is cheap. But, most of the lawyers in my state graduated from there. I wouldn't say it is a bad school. GRRRRrrrrr.
Now, I come home upset and spent. Im trying to vent to my husband and Im feeling down because I have no friends to talk to. I go online and I have an email from my best guy friend from high school. He is getting married in the middle of March and Im kind of upset with him. He was a bridesmaid in my wedding and mad he wasnt the maid of honor but he hasn't asked me to be anybody or anything in his wedding. He knew his wedding would be in the middle of my semester and that I would have to fly to go to it but he never asked me if it would work for me, just booked it. I know that sounds selfish but when I got married I made sure my VIPS could be there. We picked our day so my husbands friend would be home from Iraq. Mine just doesn't seem to care if I'm there or not. So Im going to Singapore and Phuket the week before and am going to be exhausted and broke but I am still going to fly out there for just the weekend and see him get married. My husband isnt going to go because we cant afford tickets for both of us. With the crohns I get so stressed going to weddings and flying and staying somewhere new etc. He KNOWS this. So a good friend from college helped me find a cheap flight into Baltimore instead of DC. The wedding is in Arlington VA. That friend offered to pick me up at the airport, let me stay with him, and drive me to the wedding etc. So I asked the groom, since my husband cant go and I cant afford a hotel or a rental, do you mind if my college friend steps in for my husband and goes to the wedding with me. That way I will have a ride and a place to stay. He wrote back that he is going to have to say no, that he can give me a discount code for a car rental company, or he can see if he has another friend driving that way I can ride with. He will also see if I can stay for free or cheap w/ another friend of his. Well first of all, I am married. I don't want to stay in a hotel with some random dude. Second, I HAVE CROHNS. I dont want to meet some stranger and then have them drive me through DC traffic and stay at their house. Why cant he understand that????? My husband says I have to tell him that I am upset and explain why because guys are dumb and don't always know when they hurt girls. But the way I see it is this is his wedding. And if he wants it that way why am I going to argue. But I can't not go because I already booked my ticket. But I am just so mad at him and so hurt for not seeming to care at all about me in this whole process. And HE is in his first year of law school so he knows how tough it is.
I'm just going to sleep on it and see how I feel and talk to him later if I think it is necessary. He has been so slow at answering my emails I really don't think he cares. Right now the only people I think care are you guys, my husband, my dog and cat, and parents, and inlaws. OK I guess thats a lot of people that care about me but it would really be nice if some friends did.
Thanks for reading this.