I decided yesterday, I want to be someone else for a bit. I want to be able to paint my face everyday and be someone completely different.
This CF thing is tough, and even tougher is somehow dealing with CF and trying to carry on as normal. I have 2 weeks until college is done with, and I really just want to throw in the towel. Noone will let me do that, which is good because it means I might get somewhere, but honestly sometimes I wish they would just leave me alone and let me give in.
Depression and CF can be a funny thing, because you never know what is causing what. This time, I'm going with a lot of CF being the problem. I'm tired, I need IV's, but I can't have them yet as that would definately be the end of my college course, as if I'm finding it hard now, having the last 2 weeks also juggling IV's would be an even bigger nightmare.
I've worked so hard this year, and now I'm going to find it's all for nothing as I can't retain anymore information. My brain is very close to full capacity, and I have a lot more I have to know for my exams. I have 4 exams left and I have no clue how I'm going to do them-well unless I can train a chimp to know the answers and to cough and sneeze in the exam when I have it wrong.
I have a practical exam today, which should be easy if I don't have a mental block and forget how to put a computer together or to install Windows XP.
I think the biggest pressure is, if I don't pass this course, I can't do my teaching course in September. I wont have enough qualifications and I can kiss the course goodbye. I know that's not going to be a bad course. It's one day a week with only assignments, no exams, no information to retain and overload with.
I guess I should just concentrate on passing this course first. I just feel so crap and useless right now, and I'm sure without CF in the way this would have been an easy course for me. My tutor keeps telling me the same, but that doesn't so much help me in the here and now.
Very self-indulgent post, I know. I'm just on the verge of a third tear-filled day and I don't know how I'm supposed to cope.
Some Diazepam would be nice about now. :(