I'm screwed up, just sooooo very sad recently. I can't motivate myself and everytime I almost get there something happens with my health and I just can't handle it.
I have clinical depression and anxiety trouble any, and am on Trazadone which work wonders to lighten my everyday mood........When things are going well. Before them even if things were going well, I was a screwball mess, so it's a major improvement. But it just isn't enough. Neither is talking about it really but I'm just so full of self-pity, feel free to tell me too buck up, things could be worse. I very much know that, I've seen the really bad sides of CF and it scares the **** out of me that I'm ever gonna get there (good laxative I guess.)
So much in me is unexplained. I have stupid muscles that's unexplained why they don't work how they should. Closest they ever got to a diagnose was to swear it was muscular dystrophy they just needed to find out the type. But a muscle biopsy later they could find no genes to prove this, so it's just a nothing, that I somehow have to live with. I walk with a crutch as my legs hurt a lot anytime I start walking any sort of distance that isn't my front room.
Then last week it was spots that I've been getting since I was a kid, but this time they flared up big. They took a chunk of skin from my leg, and now I have stitches. Without a dressing they feel like they're pulling all the time, with a dressing it feels better but I have no dressings left to use. My skin can only tolerate Mepliex if I have it on for anything more than an hour. The dressings are expensive and the hospital tissues deparment have said I'm not allowed them.
I went today and my lung function in a week has dropped 10%. I've now gone from 95% to 79% in a few weeks. I know there are people with worse lung functions, but I am going through IVF and keep thinking what if......What if my lung function drops to 60% and my consultant decides that I have to stop trying for a baby. It took 2 lots of IV's a month apart to get my lung function from 79% to 93% in January and now I have that struggle again.
They keep telling me about my weight and what I can do with my diet to help me lose it. Even though I've lost 2kg in a week, that isn't enough. They want me from 75kg down to 65kg. That's a big leap and tbh I just don't want to do it. I know what happens when I suddenly start losing weight. It spirals out of control and suddenly I fidn myself being threatened with NG feeds. That's without me even trying though and if I am trying to lose weight and I spiral suddenly, then what if changing my eating habits now is enough to stop my appetite altogether later and I end up in more trouble.
I am worrying so much about everything and I know I shouldn't be, I know things could be worse. I'm trying to get on a course to teach (somehow got to magic up £539) if I don't get on that course, college won't employ me as a teacher even part-time. I'm stuck in this horrible trap with them which means I may not be able to go back in September. This means I will also lose my counselor through the college, and I don't think I will be able to cope with that. I've already lost psychiatrist for 2 years. Another thing I'm worrying about and my psychologist is still on maternity leave and may not come back.
I wish there could be a switch in my head that could just switch all this off so I don't have to worry anymore.
I just don't have the motivation or energy. I don't even have it for my nephews. They want me to play like normal, be the great big kid that I usually am. They are some of the most important people to me and I want them to be happy, but I can't help create that magic and happiness. Yesterday and today when looking after them I just had to sleep. The oldest-4 years old-kept asking me to chase him and play, but I just couldn't. I hate being this way.
I just at the minute feel like a very boring tired out ornament that isn't really much use to anyone right now. I've still been going out face painting to fund raise for my social group, but even the effort I can put into that is gone. I can't put any imagination into anything, I'm just copying a design and moving onto the next kid in queue.
Sorry I really am just whinging now. Just feel so sad and unmotivated and like absolutely everything is beyond my control. Oh and I need these stitches out of my leg. I'll end up with a permanent scar regardless of when they are removed, I always do with anything that requires stitches, so why not now so it can just heal however it wants.
:( :( :( :(