Wow, you don't log on for a day and you miss so much!
JOC - we're not that far apart geographically - I'm in Ottawa for school, but am home in the country until after new years for the holidays.
I wish I could say I've been enjoying the time off from school, but I've been feeling so stressed and sad that I haven't, and I think getting back to school will be good for me. My major is music, I play piano, but I'm not taking performace, which is why I haven't played much recently. Before I decided to go back to school I was working through the Royal Conservatory and aiming to get my ARCT (teachers) certificate, but I found that I couldn't take on full time University along with the time required to fulfill the conservatory requirements.
I wanted to ask you (JOC) if you ever worry about taking the clonazepam? I use it, too, when I'm very anxious and can't sleep, but I find it makes me feel groggy in the morning. And I don't like to use it unless I really need to. When I was prescribed it I was told it was not addictive, but I don't want to become dependent on it.
No pets for me in the city, but my family has a dog and two cats. The dog is great, really funny, quite a personality. I miss having the animals around when I can't get home for long periods of time. Getting By - you're right that animals tie you down, but you're also right about the unconditional love. Whenever I come home the dog is so happy to see me. He gets all worked up, as if I were the most important person in the world. I sometimes wish people were that pleased to see me.
New Years Eve tomorrow....I've been dreading it, since everyone in my family has different plans and no one else will be home. I had no plans as no one asked me to do anything, so no party or dinner for me. I don't have many good friends. I really did not want to spend the night alone, since I've been feeling so low and anxious, so I finally asked a friend who said he also wasn't doing anything if he'd come and just watch movies with me. Trouble is I now feel horribly guilty about it, and am thinking of telling him not to bother, because I'm sure he could be going out and having fun if he wanted to. I KNOW he got invited to a gathering of mutual "friends" (which I wasn't invited to) I think he feels sorry for me and is just being nice, which makes me feel worse. I don't know how to handle situations like this...I don't want to be by myself, feeling miserable, but I also don't want to ruin anyone elses night, or be a burden on them. I feel weak when I ask for help, especially if it's asking someone to talk, or to come spend time with me, because it just reminds me that I don't have people outside of my family who care about me and who would reach out to me on their own. Sure, I can call people, but it feels like it's always me making the effort. I feel like I get forgotten or simply left out most of the time. And then I feel hurt. I love my family, and they care about me, but I would like to have a circle of friends that I could spend time with. I think it's because I relate badly to people. I keep thinking of things I could do to change the way I come across and I have tried so hard since starting school to get out there and meet people and talk to new people, but it feels like I keep hitting walls. Am I choosing the wrong people to strike up conversations with, or...well, maybe it IS me. It's happened all my life. I do not make friends easily. What should I do tomorrow? Should I tell him not to come? I'm getting more and more worried about it as I think about it now. Sorry this got so long.