From reading the posts here it seems like we are all going up and down on the blue scale. Not literally blue, which would be interesting, but feelings wise. Gillian - I hear you on the crying. And not being able to sleep.
JOC - Glad to hear you've been getting to the gym. I managed to go skating on Thursday for about an hour. There are two indoor rinks at school, but they are only open for free skating twice a week, which is too bad, because I'd like to go again. Took a while to get used to being on the ice.... I thought it had only been a few years since I'd skated, but thinking about it the last time I'd been skating would have been back in high school. So more like ten years. That's a long time. But I enjoyed it while I was there. My legs are still a little sore.
Seeing the counselor was strange. I was nervous and let her lead the way. She brought up some things that have left me feeling worse in many ways. I know talking to someone is something I need to do, but I don't know if I'm ready to jump in to some of the things she wanted to explore. I had a somewhat difficult childhood, and there are aspects of physical and mental abuse that I've never wanted to go into before, but maybe that's the only way to really sort through why I keep going through such low periods. I'm beginning to think that a lot of my guilt and fear come from some of my earlier experiences, and that facing them might be something I have to do. Not something I want to do though. I've always told myself that it wasn't abuse because we never had to go to the hospital, or it wasn't abuse because no one ever had a broken bone. I know that when my parents separated it was traumatic and frightening, (I was 14) but at the same time it was a huge relief to me because my father finally left - and I was terrified of him. So if I'm being honest with myself I would have to say that it's probably not "normal" or "good" to be frightened of one of your parents. In the end I took on a parental role in regards to my younger siblings, and looked after them while things fell apart. While my parents screamed and broke things I tried to keep them calm. I got them ready to go to school and made supper for the months after my father had left, when my mum became suicidal. The thing is, after eveything was over and after things had calmed down and we'd settled into a new routine we just never talked about it. I think it had been such an ordeal for all of us that we wanted to forget about it. Which, looking back, probably left a lot of unresolved pain, confusion, and anger. We still, 12 years later, have never as a family talked about any of it. I speak to my father now only sporadically, and haven't seen him in years. My mum, younger sister, younger brother and I became very close, but it doesn't always feel like that's a good thing. It sometimes feels too close, and I sometimes resent having had to take on so much responsibility. My mum doesn't drive, so from the time I got my full permit at 17, until, well, now, I have been the only driver in my family and was responsible for getting everyone to where they needed to go. With me at school my sister has had to get her liscense and is now driving my mum around. One of the reasons I waited to go to school was because this year my brother turned 18 and I finally felt like it would be okay to leave. He's older now and I felt like I had (maybe) done enough. Whew. Long story. So there are some issues there, maybe. I wish there was some way around it. I mean, could she be wrong? I thought I had dealt pretty well with everything that happened....does anyone think that there's a chance that I don't need to re-visit this stuff? Is there any way around it? Or have I made things worse by not talking about it for so long? Maybe I've just been kidding myself, thinking I was doing okay when I was really just putting off facing things. I don't know anymore. I can see where she's trying to go with it, but I don't feel prepared for this.
Sorry, that was long, I know. I've taken a few days to think things through since my visit to talk to the counselor but I still don't feel much better about it.