Problem within a problem.

So again im in a semi stronger down mood.Im thinking that,when most people are down if they look into the mirror at least they see them selfs but just in a sad way.When I look in the mirror I dont know who I see.Its sad really because Im not exagerating I really dont know who I see.I see my self but my face shifts dramatically when im down and when I feel good and since I can remember Ive felt down since I was little..My voice has a dramatic change to it if i can say when im normal but I dont really know what me being normal is anymore.While I type this more things come to mind.Me now is a slump over the computer desk but I could lift my head up if I wanted to but slouching is more comfortable maybe this is making it worse so ill sit up.So more of my feelings come to the surface.I know why im like this all my life ive been tought to serve or really its like throwing a baby somewhere and expect it to grow.So I did, around adults in my family and "higher rank" family members I 96% of the time what they wanted to hear I know I did it because I guess I was trying to teach my self respect.On the outside im not who I am on the inside everytime I did that (Now im calling that degrading my self) I knew i was acting but now that I came to my sense i look back and see the H o rr o r it was and how I got past it all these years.But I didnt care I thought it was ok and overlooked and having this daydreaming thing is the main reason why I got past it.I read somethings about it and said one cause of this disorder is when there isnt any family support on the child,Where was my support,Didnt have any or allready have it so I felt distant?Idk.I do know but its blur.Just now my friend called me I dont know If id like to call him my friend but idk this is one of the guys that has  "bullyed" me around but now that I dont hang out with my old friend inner circle I see the H o rr o r of how I was when I was with them.But again I didnt care.I moved to the valley like 4 years ago from Los angeles and when I met this guy I was like fine ok cool guy but the deeper I became this guys freind the more I started to be like my family me.(flashback)I was only my self when I was being a troll in school all my classes through out the school and with Kids I didnt like or with kids that were "lame" well to me I didnt feel any urge to give them a form of respect I guess.I was only my self when I was "rebelling" if you will,with teachers cops and so on.So this brings me back to that guy so I must of felt some kind of connection with him so I acted like I did with my family but less severe and just mellow.Later on mellow turned into retardation because I started acting like I did with my familly but then I turned on to overdrive I completely spaced out around them total differnt person but I knew it was happening but didnt care.I Didnt think Again Things come to mind while I type this.These guys are the lamest people ive ever met one or 2 are ok but wow so that never broke ive never fell down into the character I was portraying nor did I ever think like it not even the closest not even a little, Nothing.When I was with them they were like my family,when they introduced me to other people I knew .felt got it. like they were ohhhh heyy whos that because I was showing my true side.Its wierd when that happens, I really feel like rays coming from my chest like my heart"s sending messages.Well anyways I didnt care to much for them because strangly I have a sort of sense of who I am and those other kids Ive met didnt really meet my match you can say.Two girls I met for the first time which I have 0 intrest for were eyeing me out before I met them.Back and forth it went on strong vibes bla bla(these girls like boys alot you can say)so it continued I was in the back of a car they knew I was there so they danced around ,one kept lifting up her skirt danced bla bla later they started doing hand stands.disturbing but not really bla bla.Went into a store they were looking  dead at me didnt pay attention but whatever I looked bla kept doing what I was doing then they grew into our inner circle of friends  deeper they got more they lost intrest in deeper deeper but they kind of just looked away not litterally just thought I was disturbed.So thats something that hasnt broken I guess my personality that exsists in my mind around my family and out in the world around other people I dont match with or while im being "rebellious"but only one time that it has happen when I had a peer I was my self with.I met this kid while in my rebellious state but then it turned to me being real with this kid.Because he met me while I was being real so I couldnt turn on to my degrading state so it was cool.I met him in the deans office,go figure.Just Remeberd now that before I moved I had anthor posse of freinds way bigger than this one and not even close to the matching level or "lameness as these new guys.These guys were Cool they were my HoMieS.Then I was semi myself because we were all the same so I connected with them but gave them bits of me also.It helps like that though I started of being like at age 7 or 8 it ranged from 8 to like14 and outer friend on that nieghborhood that went from 14 till like 17 inner groups but toghther one big group.So i was fine then I roamed around all over the place like 9 kids skating all over the city running around in the nieghborhood.I remeberd not being my self at time there because (A little flash back came to me)When I was like 10 or 9 we were playing foot ball on my freind' daniel's front yard.A kid named george was on me on a "play" but me in my head I was like psh this guy "aint ___"or something like that but never cocky just tryed to make out my possibiltys with fear where it was needed and tryed to make it out be the best.so I got the ball he tackled me but I still scored I hit the floor but extended my arm and got it.Everyone laughed he was like oh little weenie cool But me I was like yeahhhh happy but it was really ,cool no big deal.When I type thoughts come to the surface and just got why I have trouble connecting to people.Its being Genuine people catch on to that I had freinds when I was that  but still had freinds when I wasnt just in a differnt way.so ive been working double time.Again but I allready knew This So why dosnt it Come to Effect.I got the answer to that Now, I have alot of ideas Floating around in my head I thought I felt them and knew them but I really Need to listen to them.I dont feel close to my Family Because Im not being Genuine, Im Acting ,How Can An Actor Break Into His Character So Good That When He Crys ,That His 100000000 Foot Dinosaur Dies He Really Feels It.He wont.but if he does he is talented and  would soon break out of it because he knows its not real.So thats why I dont show to much emotion.And I have told my dad that all of us have walls we dont let each other in on and Ive helped to panalize mine.Its sad to say that when my sister died I didnt cry histericlly or felt overly dead and depressed I sobed on the bench at funeral home then cryed because I just wanted a hug from someone got some ok nice but perferd a tiny bit of a hug from my mom.Which if I didnt get ok cool but if I did it would be just a tiny bit better but still cool.Knowing that I really love my sister and she loved me and all of us makes it easy
her still being her self while she was sick(she had colon cancer)made it easy.Though it was touching watching my older sister I looked up to and thought highly of  wieghd down to like 80 pounds walking around sick with a differnt face but never broke her personality till now I dont think thats something that breaks but who knows.She was still her but sick.Now that I think of it I love her so much having her pictures up sometimes makes me smile a little warms me up.But me being in this state pushes things away its like a blur a little that she was on this earth with us sometimes.So I show emotion acting this way but its differnt it like pokes my inner being my true being and takes someaway.More like emotions turn into poisionus gasses that just breeze through because I dont care about them or build up a tolerance for them.They just take some of my air so thats how my feelings are.But again I knew this allready but why dont I feel them.Answer.Brings me back to being genuine.By typing this im pulling out my inner thoughts and being what will talking do.I have thoughts I think are nothing but I have to pay attention to them it is here and it is happening to me .Even now im spacing away but its ok.I gotta love my self first.
I dont expect anyone to read this I just get carried while typing if you did manage to read my  post.Nothing would make me more happy than to make someone els happy or to fill them up with warmth where it counts and just genuine love and happiness.When your feeling down or worthless its strange me saying it but.You are all beutifull human beings that deserve the best in life and should feel it deeply every time you breathe.What the world could be If we all worked together to try to make the best of life.amazing things and this website proves it.even though ive been on here for like 2 days and have had little chat with you people..A mixed up boy typing up his feelings on a computer makes him feel that much better of him self because of other people knowing what its like and trying to help and making an effort to give  each other comfort and compassion,Its so betifull to me its art.

Merry Christmas.To you all and Happy Holidays.BestWishes go out from me To you.

-tony

Hello Tony,

I did read your post, and Merry Christmas to you.  I agree with Shy, if you could break your posts into paragraphs they would be easier to read and they are really long.  Maybe try posting shorter posts as the members loose track of your train of thought when trying to absorb so much at one time.

It is good to talk about what is on your mind but take it one thing at a time and that way you will be conversing with the members  :)

That is just my opinion and know we are here to support and listen to you.  We care.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

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Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders

*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis

*Wife of a Crohnie*

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It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 

Sorry about the run on story.I was downer then usual when I typed this.I dont know If I can delete it or fix it.Its just abunch of words but if you have anything youd like to comments you could just take a part of the my story and do so. I remeber it.Sorry again I reread it and it is impossible to catch on to.