Hello, I'm Blessing Waters. I've been posting a bit on the bi-polar forum, but a pdoc recently told me I'm not bi-polar. It's a complicated mess that I won't go into, just stick to the critical facts. Iam definitely depressed and this is at least my third major depressive episode. I'm 53 years old, a survivor of sexual abuse and have been at the very least dysthymic since I was a young teen. I also have Post Truamatic Stress Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder) but that's just to round out the picture. It's the deporession that is my major issue. I had to leave my psychiatrist of 7 years back in June (for very good reason, won't elaborate) and it was a servious decision because even though I live in a large city, we have very few pdocs taking new patients and the ones that are may not want me because of my "complicated" presentation. I saw a pdoc for the first time 7 years ago and it took several years of trial and error to finally settle on Nardil (an MAOI) as the best drug that helped me fight depression. It wasn't a remission, but it was much better. Now, it's stopped working and my family doc is having a very hard time finding me a new pdoc. Thus, I'm just suffering, as if I wasn't on anything at all. I've been seriously depressed since the beginning of August, often wanting to die. I can't commit suicide so there's no need to dwell there. My family doc won't touch either of these drugs, both are tricky. He's put in a referral that I pray will be successful. I have no idea when i might hear if I can get in for an assessment. Ihis isn't even why I'm posting tonight, actually, it was just background.
I've been seeing a psychologist for the last ten years and I really need to maintain our relationship. She's been through a lot with me and I am eternally grateful. She's extended herself many times to provide very needed support. She's been pretty hard on me though, the last few months, challenging me to fight my overwhelming feelings. I asked her last week about her thoughts on depression in general and found out that she really doesn't see depression as having a primarily biochemical origin. I know very well what the Mental Health Association here says about depression, that it's as much of a physical illness as diabetes and that those of us afflicted should not be held responsible for our inability to overcome our black moods. I would never suggest we just give up and I do whatever I can to cope, stay safe, and do things that help create meaning in my life. However, I am overwhelmed, having an anxiety attack right now just writing this, and don't know how to deal with this horrible situation. We've ended up in a power struggle - she trying to challenge me to take charge of my life and me trying to ask her to back off because i'm doing the best I can.
I know that a lot of you will probably want to ask me why I stay with her, but I just losy my psychiatrist and I have reason to believe my family doc (who is fantastic) is leaving his practice, it would definitely not be okay to stop seeing my psychologist. My support system is very small - two grown-up daughters who don't want/need Mom to be scary-sick, and two friends who also have mentall illnesses. I need to respect their limits. I have a mother who I truly wish was not in my life and 6 brothers I have denied being in my life (the sexual abuse). There's more that I just won't talk about, too much for all of us. Any ideas on what to say to my psychologist to help us find some middle ground where we can both feel heard? She doesn't think I'm listening to her and vice versa. I cannot lose her, not right now, preferably not until I feel healed. I believe this is an opportunity for us both to grow, but we've got to get past this hurdle. Any new perspectives will be appreciated.