I'm having a lot of anxiety tonight thinking about my appointment with my psychologist tomorrow, worrying about how she will react to my letter and wondering about a letter sent to her by a psychiatrist I was able to see a few weeks ago, just for a medication check. However, he has some things to say about my therapist and I doing trauma work, looking at my past to try and shake loose the memories of abuse that I still have amnesia for. He told me I definitely should not be doing this right now because I am in crisis and it's not safe. My therapist agrees, but I've been pushing ahead because it's been ten long years of this and the more I remember the worse it gets. There's no forum here for Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personality disorder) and while my depression is a primary problem, my alter personalities are hostile to me and are creating many problems. It's so complicated. I had a better day today and had coffee with my best friend and business partner. We give seminars about childhood sexual abuse and Dissociative Personality Disorder, as well as writing a book about childhood sexual abuse. That was good, but I've had to tell her I can't do seminars anymore because I can't trust my alters to "behave" and I get very embarrassed when they act silly in front of strangers. It's the teens that do that. So right now I feel numb, but also kind of unreal. I know this is temporary. I might not appear depressed in this moment, but that doesn't mean that I'll continue to be okay. Some think this bipolar rapid cycling, some think it's alters, some think is the very common switching between emotionality and numbing out that is characteristic of post traumatic stress disorder. I can't sort this all out, I just feel like a puppet on strings with my joints all loose and wobbly. Pull me here, pull me there, I never know what will be next. I honestly don't believe that I will heal from all this. I have many, many alters and my friend says I may switch as many as 10 times in a single afternoon. I don't tell my therapist this and i do my healing work, because I guess to to act hopeful even when I don't feel it. Otherwise, I'd just have to give up on my life completely. I have two daughters, their wonderful husbands and three very precious grandchildren, and friends who want me to stick around. I personally do not think there is anything better on earth than being a grandmother (I'm Nana). I was a kindergarten teacher before I got too sick to teach and I will never be able to return to teaching, so having grandchildren lets me do what I love most, be with children, play, teach and thrive on their innocence and wisdom. After 8 years, I still think of my kids, still mourn that loss very deeply.
about my name...it was actually given to me in a dream by a native Elder in a ceremony. I don't know exactly what it means, but i'd like to think that I can at least sometimes, send blessings to others, hope that it flows to others, through my good intentions, as water flows, washes over and cleanses. It is a gift I hope I use well, to show my gratitude for being given it. I believe the reason that i find others who have a mental illness to be so safe, is that no matter our backgrounds, we understand suffering and even when we struggle to help ourselvers, it is often easier to offer support to others. We care, deeply. I feel better about myserlf when I can offer even the smallest kindness to another person. When I feel ugly, nasty, hating myself, and i can open a door for someone, or just smile at a stranger, at least I've shown some part of myself that recognizes good. Theres more and more books comeing out about politeness and kindness and for me, this has become something that nurtures my spirit. Some people call them random acts of kindness and that's wonderful. I call them little pieces of light, little things that brighten someone's day. You people do that here for me and everyone you respond to, offer your own light that wants to help the healing. It blesses me and it blesses you, too. This is a little poem started this whole "kindness" thing for me. It's a little religious, but it's the meaning that truly counts, so I'll leave this with you:
Have you had a kindness shown?
Pass it on' 'Twas not done for thee alone,
Pass it on;
Let it travel down the years,
Let it wipe another's tears,
Till in heaven the deed appears,
Pass it on.