(((sorry so long)))
Ok, I had to go do something, but I wanted to reply to your post Karen.
I think I have been struggling this whole time emotionally. I think that is why I dont feel I can talk to my parents. I have never had to 'talk' to them. I dont remember them ever hugging me. I used to kiss my dad on the cheek every night before I went to bed, but that was when I was little.
I do feel really alone. My parents have never held me and I feel like I have missed out. I know they really love me, but they have never shown it. Its really hard....I think it has alot to do with some of my problems. Because everything I am going through, I go through with no support from them. They known about the Fibro, but they have no idea about the mental stuff, and that is the hardest of all.
You said on a previous post that when I was ready to talk you guys would be here, I know you guys are here for me, but some things I am not sure I am allowed to post on here. I really wish I could though...I want you guys to know everything. If you all knew some things I think it would be better for me. I hate hiding things. I want someone to know so bad, but I have no one to tell. I told my friend everything, but even though she is there for me, I dont feel it. I always text her, and we never talk about it in person. Sometimes she asks if something is wrong, sometimes I am able to tell her what I am feeling, but most of the time not. I am just so scared of everything. I am scared of telling the truth. If people knew what was really going on in my head...I dont know....it scares me so much.
But, I want so bad to be able to tell someone what I am holding inside of me. I imagine me telling someone, I say it out loud to myself, I always start crying when I do it, but it is what I want to say, I imagine them starting to cry, then the person takes me in there arms and tells me everything will be ok, that they are there and are going to help me. They tell me I am safe and that I will be all better. In there arms I will feel safe, comforted, loved, and cared for. I will feel relieved that someone knows and someone wants to help me.
I cant wait for that to happen. I know a couple of people who could be the on, but I am not sure who to tell yet. I am waiting because I will know when the time is right, hopefully.
But, anyways, I guess I am just brainstorming. I am having a very hard time because I just want everything out, I want someone to know. I want someone to care. I want some to show me they care and help me. All of you provide that virtually, but I need it in person also....
I just hate that I have to hold everything in. I hate feeling like I am alone. I hate feeling like I am all wrong on the inside. Maybe this is the price I have to pay for my great qualities! But, I dont know/think it is worth it.
I really appreciate all of you and I know you guys care so much for me. It means so much to me that you all are here and I can tell you things that I cant say out loud. I just wish I could tell you guys everything. I am not sure if it is against the rules or not so, I am not going to say anything right now....but if it is allowed, I would really like to tell you all a few things I have gone through.....
Anyways, I have alot to think about now. I need my quiet time so I can think, and most likely cry....but maybe I can make some sense out of some of it. And maybe figure out a way to tell someone. I am weighing the options of who I should tell. And I really need to think. I have so much in my head right now....talk to you all later....
"Sometimes when I say 'Oh Im fine' I want someone to
look me in the eyes and say 'Tell the truth'
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
no matter how strong you are"
"You asked what was wrong and I smiled and said, 'Nothing' then I turned around and whispered...'Everything'
talk and laugh too loud...its because I am trying to forget that I am sad."
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to
smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."