Ok nice guy,
I wanted to see a friends reaction just by say 'Im gay'. She started freaking out. I have been struggling trying to figure things out. I just wanted to see her reaction and then tell her I was kidding. Even though, its all I can think about. But, I couldnt find myself to do that, because I didnt feel like I was really joking with her. I went to the defense. It was strange because I have been struggling and then I felt like I was being me for once. I have never told anyone before. I have never been positive, and I still am not, but I have always felt like I were.
Anyways, I tried explaining of course. For a while now, I have been neutral. Not liking either girls or boys! Its not clever, it was because I was afraid to choose sides. But, my friend(who is a strong Christian) told me that she didnt approve, but she would still be my friend and be there for me. I am a Christian also, but I dont understand the whole concept of my I cant me myself. I just figure it cant be wrong just because I love someone. But, I understand from the Christian standpoint, as I am one. Thats why I have been so scared. Everyone I know goes to church and have strong beliefs. But, I cant hide who I am or my feelings. I cant help the way I feel.
My friend was trying to get me to 'think' or 'feel' the way I should. she didnt understand that it isnt something that I control. It was hard explaining, but I asked her a lot of questions about it. It helped because now my head isnt so tangling. I am pretty sure I have chosen my side, but I am so scared of it. She stands beside her beliefs and I respect that. She said she would still be my friend. So, I dont see how it would bother me!
My parents...thats a different story! They arent strong in beliefs, but they would never believe me. They would be shocked and refuse to believe. My brothers and sisters might not care so much. My aunts and uncles are strong in beliefs and they would freak. I have a cousin and he is gay. No one ever talks about him or mentions it, like it is a huge shameful secret. He is never at family events or nothing. I have only seen him once. So, I know they wouldnt take it good.
But, I am still struggling. I am neutral hanging to one side, the side I feel is me, but everyone is holding me back. I know I shouldnt care what others think. This is new to me even though I have had the feelings all my life. I have always been afraid to face them, but I cant hold them in forever!
nice guy, you said you were struggling to come to terms, make sure you are sure before coming out to anyone. I told my friend what I thought, at least if I do come out it wont be a shock to her! But, I told her I would be sure before I told anyone. Please, make sure that you are sure and that you are strong enough to take there reastion. They get angry or something. And you may have to defend yourself so make sure you know what you can say.
I hope they can look past it and not be angry, upset, or disappointed. When you do tell them, please let us know what happens? I hope all goes well! I wish you all the strength in the world to get through this! Keep posting!
Take Care of Yourself!
Dx: Tendonitis(L knee 02'), Chondromalacia Patella(R knee 02'), Fibromyalgia (07'), Plantar Fascitis(L foot Nov.04' erased with surgery July 05')
Not Dx: Depression, Anxiety/Panic Attacks, Social Phobia, Mild OCD
Meds tried: all the OTC stuff, Mobic, and Lyrica.
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talk and laugh too loud...its because I am trying to forget that I am sad."
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