Depression brought on by others' moods/others' actions??

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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 1/16/2008 1:56 PM (GMT -6)   
I find that when my DH and I disagree or argue or fight, I'M the one who feels depressed the next day. Then he'll turn it on my later today by saying something like "are you done ignoring me?"   Suddenly, I'm on the defensive.
I do have a many and varied history of depression, and am well controlled with meds. It's only when we fight that I somehow recoil into a figurative fetal position, feel down all day at work, want to go home and sleep the day away, etc.  Is this common?  Normal?
 Know what he did? He hid a bottle of rum. In the snowbank. Somewhere outside. I mean, c'mon. Aren't we both adults? They sell this stuff in things called stores, and if I want some, I can get it. I'm not an alcoholic, but enjoy a drink or two. We have discussed both of us cutting down as part of new year's goal, and we have days that are alcohol free.  However, who is he to decide for me whether something is good for me or not?BTW, I'm on weight watchers, very near my goal weight, and have been doing really well lately with eating/exercise, so for him to do this just seems SO CHILDISH.
But it's my reaction that I need help with. How to I "shake off" this down feeling, reframe the situation, and turn my anger outward toward him rather than inward on myself? Thanks for any supportive words

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 1/16/2008 2:53 PM (GMT -6)   

First of all, we can't blame other people for our moods.  Just like they can't blame us for theirs.  If you want to change your reaction to him, then do so.  I was just like you.  When my husband and I would have a fight, I would carry it with me into the next day.  I have since learned that life is just too short for that. 

I do take a medication that helps me with obsessive thinking and it is called abilify.  It has really helped me to let go of things and live in the now.  Also cognitive therapy is good for this type of thinking.  I know you probably would like to resolve unfinished issues, but there are times it is better to just let go, and eventually it will resolve itself.

As far as him putting the rum in the snowbank, oh well, if you want a drink, I imagine you will have one, but remember alcohol is a depressant.  If you don't want a drink, even better.  If he is sneaking, then he has some issues to work out for himself.  Do what you would normally do if this wasn't going on.  I am not saying to be in denial, but keeping your regular interests going can reinforce yourself.

Good luck to you,


fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 1/16/2008 10:21 PM (GMT -6)   
I do the same then when DH and I I thought it was a man/woman know how guys can seem to brush something off within 5 minutes and women pay the emotional price, only for it to be thrown back at us as being our problem (you know, like the question, "what, are you PMSing?") That kind of stuff only makes me madder!

Karen said it perfectly, and I don't have anything more to add. Just had to throw my hat in the ring to say I go through the same feeling.
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006, with great result
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005, I have continued pain 
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and Parafon Forte
Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.

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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 1/20/2008 10:15 AM (GMT -6)   
I agree with the others but want to add a small notation that I notice for me.  I have a best friend that has depression.  When we are both healthy it is a great friendship, but if one of us is depressed, it is a lot harder to be there for each other.
I have also  noticed that on a good day when I am experiencing no depression, I am able to be there for my friend in a positive way.  Although people around you can make you feel a certain way, you ultimately have to make the decision on how you percieve the way you want to react.  Yes you will find yourself pulled to the direction of the particular person's attitude but you must step back, take a deep breath and really think positive, it sometimes is extrememly hard to do but it is only up to you.
 The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.

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