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Moved out & back, can't get on track, never more depressed than this. Any help?

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Posted 2/1/2008 3:07 PM (GMT -7)
I know some might easily dismiss this as a problem I created for myself, but it is real and crippling for me all the same. I had problems with my wife last summer, moved out, started dating another woman. I couldn't be away from my two young kids and moved back home. I find I'm unhappy at home and unhappy away. I've been to counseling, couples' counseling over and over. I feel my life has lost meaning and happiness. The good feelings I had this summer with the other woman were balanced against guilt and fear. I've hurt her, my wife, ruined my good word and derailed my life. As soon as I move in one direction I am overwhelmed with fears and swing far to the other side. I've ended up hurting a lot of people emotionally. I've been a very stable person my whole life, but here in my late 30's I've lost it altogether. Anyone else been here before? How did you get your life together? I beat myself up enough about this, I could use some suggestions on how to stop hurting.
Posted 2/1/2008 5:26 PM (GMT -7)
Searching

Ok, this is VERY hard for me to reply too,and maybe I should not be doing it..but I am going to.
I see soooo many posts about this. And having been through it myself it really breaks my heart.

When you get married,you PROMISE to be there for that woman.

When you have an affair (I don't care if you moved out...you are not divorced so therefore it is an affair and it is cheating) you ruin many people's lives.

You ruin yourself,you ruin your wife's,because she is now looking in the mirror and hating what she sees because she is now not good enough for her husband.

ENOUGH
You did hurt your wife,so therefore you need to spend the next eternity telling her you are sorry.
You need to make sure she feels beautiful at all times. You need to bring her flowers every week. If she tells you that what you are doing is not good enough..then guess what,do MORE.
If she does not want anything to do with you,well my friend, what can we say??

You say that you Beat yourself up "enough" about this,and you are hurting?????????????????????

Stop.....and THINK what does she think everytime she looks at you?
She thinks..... what can I do to make myself more attractive,or why am I not good enough?
I have kids with him,I take care of them. I love them. I clean his clothes and cook his food. I try so hard,but for some reason he does not want me.
Posted 2/1/2008 5:46 PM (GMT -7)

Searching

Hello, this is Kitt.  You posted "I've been to counseling, couples' counseling over and over."  That did not work for you. I have read your post several times and I am not sure what it is you are looking for? 

I can not tell from what you wrote "I could use some suggestions on how to stop hurting.", who it is you want to stop hurting? Your wife?  If it is your wife then you should be writing a letter to her and accepting your responsibility for your behavior.  It is like a person that is addicted and hurts others.  Part of their therapy is going back to every single person and telling them they are sorry and meaning it.

I am afraid that I am less qualified to offer help then the counselors were.

Shy is right, we get many spouse's that have cheated and want to know how to keep the best of both worlds.  IMHO you cannot have it both ways and you need to work this out somehow.

Take care.

Posted 2/1/2008 5:55 PM (GMT -7)
I'm sorry, maybe I should have been more direct in my first post. I'm exploring the idea that I'm medically depressed and this is causing my life to disintegrate. In a medical sense, how do you help yourself? Where do you start? What should I read? What works for you? What should be avoided?
Posted 2/1/2008 6:01 PM (GMT -7)

You start with your PCP for a good physical and explain what has been going on.  He/She can recommend a good Pdoc and perhaps you need some inhouse treatment.  There are still good places around.

There are also outpatient facilities where you spend for 6 - 8 hours per day in group therapy. Hope that helps.

Posted 2/1/2008 6:14 PM (GMT -7)
Searching

Just as Kitt said starting with your doctor is the first step..actually starting with admitting that something is wrong is the first step,asking for help is the second.

Call your doctor,tell them what is going on ( you will be amazed on the reactions...they have heard so much)

In order to beat depression we have to figure out what caused it in the first place. Believe me that is hard to face....but,once we do that then it is so much easier to face it.

I am not going to say sorry for being so harsh..doing so would be against my own life rules.
Sometimes we have to hear the bad things in order to accept them,fix them,understand them,and then make sure we do not do them again.
Posted 2/1/2008 6:30 PM (GMT -7)

I agree, start with your primary care physician for a physical.  You may need to be on an anti-depressant.  Hopefully, that might help you to sort through the rest of your life.  Be kind to your wife.  She probably sees your depression as you are grieving for this other woman; that's how I would take it.  If you really want your marriage to work, you need to get some help for yourself first.

Take care!

Carla

Posted 2/2/2008 10:12 AM (GMT -7)
I think a good rule of thumb is not to make any life-changing decisions while you're in a depressed state. I've been there, and didn't make good decisions.

Another guideline could be, if you're unhappy where ever you are, perhaps you should pick the place where you have responsibilities and obligations.
Posted 2/2/2008 10:28 AM (GMT -7)

Hi there,

You have been given some very good advice already here and I completely agree with getting a physical check-up etc... and starting the diagnosis process from there. It is possible that you are depressed and it is possible that the gradual break-down of your marriage has lead to this situation HOWEVER I want to make it clear that I feel very much the same as Shy on this one. The only reason she posted first was that she lives in the US and I was in bed. Depression is not an excuse for an affair. If you really want to make this work, then I suggest getting yourself checked out physically

Darren

Posted 2/2/2008 5:37 PM (GMT -7)
Searching, have you told your wife what you told us here? I think it might help her to know that you, too, have been hurt by your past behaviour, and that you are making serious and genuine efforts to change and make amends.

I think that you have been very brave to come here and ask for our help. It takes courage to acknowledge mistakes, and even more think about changing your life. The next step, of course, is to do take some concrete steps towards positive change. As the others have said, if you do think that you are depressed, a very constructive first step might be to have yourself examined by a doctor.

I am very sorry that you have got yourself into this mess, and that you feel that your life is disintegrating around you. I hope that, in time, you will be able to find some peace and maybe even some resolution of your worries. In the meantime, I hope that you'll keep posting and will tell us how you're getting on.

With best wishes,

Ivy.
Posted 2/4/2008 12:49 PM (GMT -7)
Thank you for the replies. Yes, I've spoken with my wife about all of this. Things were bad for us for years before I made bad decisions to make it worse. I have recently read about ways to manage depression through exercise, diet, cutting down on coffee, cutting beer out, seeing friends, etc. This weekend I went for a run and when I finished I promptly started crying....This is very out of character for me. Part of me thinks I need to get my own place and just be alone to sort out my problems. I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist this week. Counseling has been of some help, but I'm not in a better place.
Posted 2/4/2008 4:26 PM (GMT -7)
assessment, therapy, and meds?
Posted 2/4/2008 4:40 PM (GMT -7)
My meeting is later in the week.
Posted 2/4/2008 4:57 PM (GMT -7)
I am glad to see you are going to get some help.
Not that this is completely unheard of abnormal behavior, in fact it happens alot here, but it is really going to take hard work to fix. You have to be committed to making a change in your behavior, but I think you already know this. This is about taking responsiblity and filling that hole (that you have been filling with other people/possibly substances) within yourself. Am I on target with you here?
You cannot get what you need from other people, it has to come from within yourself. This is not a licease to be selfish, but to get squared away, and you can do it. Because what it comes down to is that we all make mistakes and what makes us better people is to learn, grow, and love deeper. I get the feeling that you think therapy is bunk, but I suggest a new frame for therapy. Please look at it as a way to grow as a human being, because that is what a therapist does is to help you grow. I think individual therapy for your immediate family would be a good idea, and family therapy for your immediate family would be a good idea as well.
There is a reason no one is an island unto themselves, there is an interconnectiveness to us all.

Best wishes! yeah yeah :-)

Something to think about what would you tell your children (assuming that you are a loving compassionate father who would never want them to hurt) if they found themselves in your situation twenty years down the road? What would you want their outcome to be? How would you want them to grow from this situation?
Posted 2/4/2008 5:37 PM (GMT -7)
I don't think therapy is bunk. I learned a lot about myself and feel I've grown quite a bit, although I seem to be falling into the same ruts of panic and rash decision making. I can't move in a set direction without being overcome with doubts and fears. In constantly going back and forth I've wreaked havoc with other people, destroyed the value of my word, lost self-esteem, and wasted the better part of a year of my life. I don't have a substance problem, but think a real fitness emphasis would boost my mood. A change in behavior would be sticking to one decision- remaining married or moving on, and I can't seem to remain with either options for long.
Posted 2/4/2008 5:47 PM (GMT -7)
Making major life decisions right now in your state is probably not the best thing. I am a big believer in working out as a suppliment to therapies for depression, because I think empowering to be healthy.

If you do not mind me asking, what is the problem with your relationship with your wife? Can you id it? Because I suspect that the problems with your romantic relationship and your other relationships, is symptomatic of a want or a need not being met within yourself? And if that is the case then it will be repeated in other relationships...Please tell me if I am off the mark here...

I also have to wonder about your wife and children's wellbeing here...hence why I included them in individual and family therapy...
Posted 2/4/2008 6:23 PM (GMT -7)
There are quite a few issues, but really I just have lost interest and don't like being with her. She has an anger management problem that has been tough in the past and we have a horrible sex life. I have hopes that things could be different, but I feel closed in when I'm around her and just want to be in another room.
Posted 2/4/2008 6:53 PM (GMT -7)
searching for me

I am glad you have returned to talk with us.  I understand the breaking out into tears and feeling like you have lost yourself.  I think perhaps you have right now but you will get back to better times with hard work.
You may need to try a different type of therapy and meds, if you are not taking anything, meds can be good to help you through.
You are right on base with the exercise.  It is well known that exercise will help fight depression and anxiety.  Sometimes it is difficulty to find the willpower to follow through with the exercise when your feeling so down.

I would still advise getting that physical, it is good to have a baseline of how your health is and make sure nothing is physically contributing to the situation.

I wish you peace.
Kitt

Posted 2/4/2008 7:08 PM (GMT -7)
Kitt is absolutely right and this probably a situation that calls for professional help for everyone that is immediately involved.
Posted 2/7/2008 12:55 PM (GMT -7)
I went to the meeting and found it relaxing. The doctor prescribed Prozac and suggested I had low grade depression from prolonged stress and adrenaline. I spent the rest of the day doing things I enjoy. Today it is sunny out and that helps. He said it'd take 12 days to take effect, but I feel a bit better already feeling as though I have actually done something to get back in control of my emotions. Is there anything I should be aware of taking Prozac?
Posted 2/7/2008 1:16 PM (GMT -7)

Hello Searching
I am glad you went to the meeting and that you feel better.  Sometimes it is just taking that step forward that gets you to feeling better.  Depression, even low grade, can stop us in our tracks and decision making is impaired without a little push from someone.

Prozac from what I know of it works well for many.  I am sure if you enter Prozac in the search above it will bring up members posts re their experience with the med.

I do believe it can take up to 4 weeks to feel the full effect of the meds but you have already started down you road to success.
Take more time for you and let the sun warm you. Make sure if you have any problems with the Prozac to call you physician.

Take care
Kitt

Posted 2/8/2008 4:44 AM (GMT -7)

Hi there

I am flad that you went to the meeting and that things went well for you. Prozac (Sometimes called Fluoxetine for those of us who were brought up on the long names! lol) is an effective drug which has been around for a good number of years but because of this it has a bit of a stigma. Someone in my family was put on it and because of the stigma with her friends, she said it was fluoxetine and nobody was any the wiser. I dont know how the stigma is in the US though. The other thing you can get with Prozac is anxiety symptoms. (From mild stuff like dry mouth to more severe stuff like anxiety attacks) If this happens you need to see your doctor immediately. As for the time taken for effectiveness... you really are looking at 4-6 weeks for full effect. It is possible that you can get effects earlier, but more likely this is a psychological (perfectly normal) reaction to the drugs. If you have heard of the placebo effect, it is similar to that. You expect the drug to make things better, so you believe it is even when there is not enough of the drug to do anything. 4-6 weeks and you will be well on the road.

All the best

Darren

Posted 2/11/2008 6:15 PM (GMT -7)
Well, as an update, I've been on the Fluoxetine for six days now. It may be all the sunshine out, but I don't feel as down. I do feel a bit dizzy though. Is this common? I don't seem to be sleeping quite as well either.
Posted 2/12/2008 6:07 AM (GMT -7)
Searching

I found some info on the drug
If the dizziness continues I would let your doctor know..I did have dizzy spells when I first started my meds,but then they went away after a couple of weeks.

www.webmd.com/drugs/search.aspx?stype=drug&query=Fluoxetine

I hope this med helps,good luck and keep us updated.
Posted 3/14/2008 2:38 PM (GMT -7)
Well, I quit taking the meds after a week and do feel better. I think my problems were more to do with real situations that I need to handle on my own. I also reduced coffee a bunch and have pretty much eliminated beer. My life is still a mess, but I feel better knowing I'm not creating a bigger problem with the medicine I didn't need.
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