I don't know how to explain this because it is a bit bizarre. First I will tell you there is a long history in my family of depression on both my parents sides. My dad's grandmother, his uncle(who committed suicide) his aunt, my mom, her mother and two of her sisters, this is all I know, I'm sure there are more. I believe mine started soon after my first child was born. But because I do remember what my mother went through I didn't want to go through the same thing so I would literally will myself out of it, push it away so to speak, not talk about things and pretend I was happy. When I was down and tried to talk to my mom or my husband or anybody for that matter what I got was ....Well, just perk up sweetie or Try to be happy. Then about 3 years ago we moved here to this house, I was so lonely. I had my husband and my kids but no friends. about a week after we moved in I met two mothers from up the street and became friends with one, now I regret it. I'm not totally blaming her for my depression, it was after all already there, but what she did to me, I gave up, I stopped trying to beat it and I broke. about a month after her starting to destroy me ( I say starting because she hasn't finished yet and it's an ongoing battle) there was an episode with my mother in law that really bought the house down, I literally climbed out a window and left to get away from her, a few days later I finally told my husband I needed to see a doctor, I called my mom and talked to her. It took a while for me to get to a doctor because of money issues, when I did she put me on meds, they helped alot but I had to change meds due to insurance then had to change again because the generic caused me to shake real bad. Then when I got pregnant with my third child I stopped the meds and haven't went back. I need to. I know that.
Anyway, a few months after the MIL issue my neighbor (ex friend) started in on me really bad, things were happening that I couldn't rationally explain like rocks being throw at my house,then there were rumors flying about me, then my mail started disappearing, then came the threats of lawsuits, accusations of vandelism, stalking and harassment, this woman actually accused me to my face of phone harassment while I was pregnant and got me so upset I started bleeding. She is trying to drive me out of the neighborhood or crazy which ever comes first.
The other lady I met after moving here became my friend, we bonded due to the nutso across the street because she was going through the same thing with the same person. Then back before halloween I found this support site for people with bad neighbors and started blogging, I made the mistake of sharing the site with my friend, she got upset with me, she also has problems with depression, we have recently found out she is bi polar, anyway she got upset with me over somethings I had said without me even realizing it was upsetting, really it was just idle chit chat, and she became a member of the site without telling me and started to attack me through the site. She said horrible things to me and when she finally fessed up it hurt really bad. But in talking to her I gathered that she was suicidal and begged her to see a doctor and she did hence finding out she is bi polar. We got through it, I forgave her and wanted to help her. She is taking meds and doing conselling for this and is getting better at controlling it. But now, she is pulling away from me, or I feel she is.
I'm back to being the way it was before, my mom doesn't want to talk with me about how I feel, she just says ....go to the doctor get some medicine. I need her to listen to me but she won't. My husband begs me to just be happy. I'm losing my only friend, and now I have no one. I don't want to go back on meds but I'm gonna have to because they did help before and if I don't I may lose it completely. I have no energy, I don't sleep much and when I do I have bad dreams that I can't remember, I only remember I was scared in them. I spend alot of my days sitting on the couch barely watching tv or just walking around the house thinking I need to be doing something but I have no energy to do it. My house is a wreck. I'm trying to lose the last 5 lbs of my baby weight but all I want to do is sit and eat. I love to read but have lost interest in that. Basically Im blah. That's the way I feel ...blah. I am nothing and not important and I'm sick of feeling this way.
I want to be happy again, I want to have friends, I want my sicko crazy neighbor to do what I said 6 months ago and forget I exist, I want her to go away and leave me alone but that isn't going to happen until either one of us move or she has driven me to retailiation and I get in trouble or until she drives me completely insane. No one wants to help on that either. I want my mom to listen to me. I want my husband to understand that I can't just get happy, I can pretend but I can't and I can't explain why I can't. Does that make any sense?
I feel like no one cares and all I am is a wife and someone's mother, I am here to raise the grandkids so ma and pa get to enjoy them, I am mostly ignored when family is around until my mom sees I am getting frustrated then she says something like...well maybe we should have just stayed home. You would think with her going through this 20 years ago she might be a bit sensitive to it but nope.
Im sorry, I'm just so tired and I guess Im venting. I'm just so angry right now cause no one will listen. I'm just suppose to be happy.