what's wrong with me?

Hi everyone.

Hi Confused,

Don't let this sttop you from trusting.  Just be careful who you tell things to.  Atleast here, you know that it is safe to talk openly.  I don't know why she would do that to you.  And honestly you don't either untill you have a chance to talk to her.  There can be so much going on that we don't know.  Someone could have said something to cause her to block you and it could have even been an accident.  So don't let this bring you down.  You are doing good right now and don't need to go backwards. 

You know that we are here for you and carry very much about your well being.  So keep your chin up and let this one roll off your back.  You will eventually find out what is going on. 

Don't blame yourself for others actions, you tend to do that.  You are a wonderful person and everybody here loves you and truly cares about you.  So like I say let this one run off your back and pretend it didn't happen.  I know that you are worried that she told somebody, maybe she did, but so what.  That doesn't change to type of person that you are.  You are very special so don't forget that.  Plus these other people were not in your shoes so they would have no right to judge you if that is the case.  And if they did, the are at risk of losing a very special friend, you.  And that is their loss.

I hope that you are doing well, I know how hard that you have been trying.  Focus on that, don't let this little thing bring you down.  You have worked too hard to get where you are.  Keep trying.  We are here for you.

Luv and hugs,

Karen

Thank you. I just don't feel special. I keep thinking something is wrong with me for her to just randomly stop talking to me. I lost 2 friends from FL. 2 friends who I thought were true friends. I also lost my ex-bf and the guy in FL who got me pregnant. I feel like there's something wrong with me. My other friends talk to me and like me. I just don't understand why those 4 people aren't talking to me anymore. It makes me feel worthless. And I have a tendency to trust people really easily and open up too much with them. I guess because when I have a problem I turn to my friends for support but I don't know if that's normal or not. :-(

Honey,

There is nothing wrong with you and you are normal. You are you and that is special. Everybody is a little different and there is nothing wrong with that. You are just growing up. You know people get jealous of others and do things to hurt them and people like us always find a way to blame ourselves. So that is normal to. All we are trying to do is let you know that you are a good person and that tends to happen to good people, eventually you will come to understand that and you will look back on this and see it from a whole new perspective. But that will come in time. Till then just be happy. Keep studying, and ignore hurtful people. You are completely normal. So don't worry about that, and you are a kind and compassionate good person. And never forget that. Also we are always here for you. Also there is nothing wrong with turning to your friends for support. That is what they are there for, and if they aren't, then you learn from that. Just don't introvert away from people, like I say you live and learn. If somebody hurts you, dont give them that oppertunity again. But I would rather be hurt once in a while, than to stop trusting. You will become paranoid if you stop trusting and you will always have your gaurd up. It is better to be a little softer, when somebody hurts you, they are leaving someone else alone. So we take a little of that off of somebody else. I hope taht I am making sense, tend to be rambling.
Luv and hugs,
Karen

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  Moderator-Depression

I hope you're right gettingby. I just feel like there's something wrong with me since she's not talking to me. I don't understand why she's not. I tried calling her and she's not answering her phone. I don't understand why she blocked me. It makes me feel so sad and worthless. :-( I thought she was my friend.

You may be feeling sad, honey, but you are definately not worthless. Just look at what you have accomplished with your education. You are smart and very special.

Luv and hugs,
Karen

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  Moderator-Depression

Thanks getting by.
My mom doesn't think it's normal how I open up so much to people after only knowing them for a few months. She thinks I shouldn't tell everything about myself to people and that there are some things people need to keep private. She also doesn't think it's normal how if someone just stops talking to me (like my ex, the guy who got me pregnant in FL, and 2 of my girlfriends from Florida), I shut down and don't do anything for the day. Whenever this happens, I have negative thoughts that something is wrong with me. All my life I've kept my friends. Just this yr, I've experienced 1) my ex not wanting to be friends anymore. 2) 2 of my girlfriends from FL who I've only known for 4 months and who I thought were my friends, not wanting to talk to me anymore. One of them said she was sick of me being sad all the time and that I was too dependant on her to make me feel better. and 3) The guy who got me pregnant in FL not talking to me anymore. When these events happened, I would cry for a long time, and tell myself something is wrong with me. Is this normal? Is this part of my depression? :-( I don't understand why they don't want to talk to me. The other friends in my life like me and don't mind when I vent to them. They support me.

Post Edited (confusedgirl22) : 2/25/2008 8:44:26 AM (GMT-7)

Confused,

It is completely normal to feel sad when somebody quits talking to you, and you wonder if it is your fault.  And there is nothing wrong with coming here and opening up.  We don't really know eachother so it is easy to give objective advice.  Easier then to say in person or to a friend that you do know.  My friends come to me for advice and sometimes it is hard because I don't want to hurt their feelings.  But here, I am not talking in person so it is easier to truthfully say what I feel.  And that is good because sometimes people need that honest advice.  Your mom has a tendancy to want to keep things private.  Or to keep things inside, in the long run this could build up and eventually explode.  Either that or she just doesn't care.  Not that she doesn't care about you, I feel she does, but keeping things bottled up all the time isn't healthy.  So when your friends do hurt you, let it out and cry, but then keep going on.  Maybe your one friend just can't handle what you are going through and you shouldn't tell her so much, or maybe she just isn't mature enough to take in all that information.  But a friend will usually listen.  She just might think you are dwelling on things too much, but that is just your nature, you are trying to figure things out.  It is harder when you are in the situation.  You can't step out of it and look at it with an objective eye.  But in time you will learn what you can change and what you cant and the unimportant things you will learn to let go.  Have you heard the serinity prayer?  The one that says " God grant me the power to accept the things that I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"  Somebody evidently has written that because they were in that situation.  So this is something a lot of people go through.  So don't feel alone.  In time you will achieve your goal of being able to know the difference.  As far as your mom goes.  Maybe she isn't that sensitive.  She sounds cold and hard.  Though I feel she actually loves you, she doesn't sound very compassionate.  Just look at the advice that you gave on the other post.  Have you read the posts after you wrote.  You are sensitive like a lot of us are.  It is hard because you take things to heart and you get hurt sometimes.  But that is what makes you such a good person.  I wouldn't want to be any other way.  Eventually you will see the gift you have in that.  And with the profession that you are persueing, you need that quality.  So don't change, stay sensitive.  People need compassionate people and that is what you are.  You feel things, that is good.

hugs,Karen 

Thanks Karen.  I am very sensitive. So is my mom (but not about this issue of telling people). I'm so confused. I hate disappointing my parents. I already did by getting pregnant and failing one class in grad school. I told my dad I wanted to go to my friend's bday party (who lives 2 hrs away). She invited me. And my dad flipped out. He said what happens if you get in an accident and you're on the news? People will know you're not in grad school anymore. I started crying and said "oh so you don't care if I get hurt, you just care about what other people think." And my dad got upset and said no and stormed out the door. I hate disappointing them, but I'm just so sick of this. I just got back from the counselor and he told me my parents are supporting me with strings attached and it's not healthy. I told my dad what the counselor said and he got so angry. He told me not to believe what the counselor says. My counselor said I should be able to talk with friends openly and be able to go out with them. He said they can help for support. He also said I should be able to go see my friend for her bday on Saturday. I hope I can. He told me 2 of my friends from FL who don't talk to me anymore are shallow, and they aren't true friends if they are not there for me. Do you think my counselor is right? He also said next time my parents tell me if that I can't tell a friend that I'm home because of "our reputation" I should ask my dad, "will you have less patients coming to you if they knew I was home?" Will mom have less students coming to her classes? My dad's a doctor and has high expectations of me. His reputation means the world to him and my mom. In 2 weeks my dad's Greek friend is coming to paint our house and during those 2 weeks, during the day he wants me going to my grandma's house so the Greek painter doesn't tell the whole Greek community I'm home. My counselor thinks that is ridiculous and disrespectful to me. My dad's cousin from NJ is also thinking about coming to visit for 2 days in a few weeks. My dad told me during that time, I need to stay at my grandma's during the day so the cousin doesn't tell everyone from the village my dad grew up in and in the Greek community I failed a class in grad school (eventhough my dad failed a class in med school). My counselor thinks it's very disrespectful. Do you agree?

Post Edited (confusedgirl22) : 2/25/2008 12:55:07 PM (GMT-7)

Hi Confused,

Yes I do agree with your counselor and I am happy that you are seeing this, though I know that it isn't easy.  He is also right about your friends that don't talk to you, they are shallow and it is their loss, because you are a very special person.  But your counselor definately has a grip on your parents.  I know that you want to shine in their eyes, but we are only human and make mistakes.  They have very high expectations of you but this is rediculous.  To have you disappear while the people are there.  But that might be a nice break for you to get out from under their thumbs for a few days.  I also agree that it is disrespectful of them.  It may take time to get out from under them because of the financial situation, so play it by ear and keep talking to your counselor, he might be able to help you with that.  I think it would be a lot less stressful for you to study without them dictating your every move.  It seems like you said you will be going to college somewhere else for a while, am I right?  That would be such a good time to work on your own identity while away from your parents.  Eventually you will grow into a person that they can't control.  They are so use to having things their way that they might have a hard time with you becomming your own person, but just be strong Confused, you can do this, it is all a part of learning and growing into your own person.  I think you will really like her.  Your depression might even go away.  I really am happy for you sweetie, you are really working hard and doing good.  You did a good job on that other post, and talking honestly from experience and giving really good advice to somebody in need.

Keep up the good work

Luv and hugs,  Karen

I'm so sick of my life! I hate this! My parents told me to stop going to the counselor. They said they aren't going to pay anymore for my health insurance. They said if I go see my friend there won't be a house when I get back. They said I shouldn't use their money to go see a friend. They threatened to take away the money they gave me and my car keys. I HATE this! I seriously want to move out. But I'm scared that if I find a job I won't make enough to support myself. :-(

Did your parents tell you why they did not want you to see a counselor? Is it because of what he said about your folks? At this point in time I wonder if being at your grandma's might be the best idea if she allows you more freedom? I absolutely agree with getting by and your counselor... I would also ask about a refural for free counseling from your counselor...

I wish I would have thought of calling grandma and at least get her advice when I was still living with my parents.

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^{Forum Moderator} 

What about sharing an appartment with somebody? Do you have any friends you could room with until you get on your feet? How about your grandmother? They aren't going to be there helping you forever, maybe now is the time to start living on your own.

Listen to your counselor, keep remembering what they said, maybe you should call him tomorrow and tell him what they are doing.

The ball is in your court.

Hugs, Karen

How long before you go back to school in Florida?  When you are there you should look for work and gradually get on your own.  This is really frustrating Confused, I understand how it is making you feel.  It is hard but we will help you decide what to do if you need.

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  Moderator-Depression

Shoot, I was just going to ask how it was you were seeing the counselor, for free, or if they were paying....Now I have my answer. I was going to suggest not saying anything to them about what your counselor says because if they were paying and didn't like what he had to say then they would take that from you, too. Hun, your counselor was/is right on the money...And you are making great progress with him/her. Obviously, your parents do not like you having a voice of your own. To them, it is all about the money and reputation. I know it may tick your parents off, but perhaps you could ask them why they have the strings attached to everything (without saying your counselor said it). And, if reputation is so important, why is it okay for them to lie to family and friends and say you are in grad school when you aren't.

Sorry, that's just my knee jerk reaction to your post...And my mouth used to get me into trouble with my parents.

You have just come such a long way and I want to see you continue with the counselor. Perhaps going to your grandma's during those times will give you a much needed break...Maybe grandma would be on your side, too.

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Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue

Hello. Thank you to both of you for your support. My dad told me everyone is sick of me. He found out about those 2 girls in FL not talking to me. I have friends here, Michigan and in Florida but my dad said everyone is sick of me. He says I'm overweight too. I will call my counselor. I'm going to try to find a job here too.. and see if maybe I can live with my grandma for the time being. I don't know what else to do. My dad said there won't be a house when I come back and my grandma won't want me. My grandma is actually more controlling with what I can and can't do...so I don't know if I'll like living there. I just don't know what to do anymore! Help!

I think that calling your counselor is a good idea.  He will probably have some good suggestions for you.  The two of you could do some brainstorming and you will find a solution.  Your parents can't control you forever.  It is only a matter of time.  They have conditioned you but you and your counselor can turn that around.  They aren't going to drop the insurance on you if that is what they have.  Can you come up with money for a visit to the therapist?  Also there are a lot of programs that pay for mental health visits if you don't have the money.  Start checking into some resources.  I know that it is scarey, but you can handle this, you are learning as you go.

Hugs, Karen

I agree with what has already been said. I dont think that your parents are really helping the problem at the moment and that staying with your grandma may be a sensible move, even if it is only temporary. I think seeing a councillor is really important for you to help work through the problems you have. Its not true that everyone is sick of you either... we are not sick of you, and I am sure there are people where you live who feel the same way as us. We love having you around.

Darren

I really wouldn't be surprised of your parents go to this counselor and give them a piece of their mind of "how dare you try to take away our power" type thing.

Confused, how are you doing? I hate it when you disappear on us, it always makes me feel like they have locked you away. Please let us know how it's going.

(((((((HUGS))))))))

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Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue

Hi Mochiah. I am still sad about everything going on, but I'm trying not to think about it. I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but I've noticed lately if a friend doensn't respond to my phone call or text message within an hr, I feel like there's something wrong with me or they don't like me. Is this part of my low self esteem and depression? I seriously don't know why I've been like this lately. :-(

The feeling of someone not liking you (as you have described) is probably the result of your depression. It is simply a flaw in the way your brain thinks about these situations. There could be a lot of reasons why they dont respond in that hour... They could be napping, they could be in a meeting, they could be in the bath, they could be in the garden and not hear the phone, they might not have credit to respond... the list is endless. Its just a case of training your brain to accept these as possible causes over "They obviously dont like me" and this is the sort of thing that CBT is very good at.

Darren

I understand what you're saying. I have to learn to think differently. What is CBT?

Cbt therapy is cognative behavioral therapy.  Basically it is retraining your way of thinking.  I am reading a book right now called,'feeling good, the new mood therapy' by Dr David D. Burns.  It is very interesting, there is also a workbook about it that he wrote.  I read this book over 20 years ago, and I must admit that the first edition was easier reading, but it all boils down to how we think.  As Darren said, there could be many reasons that she didn't return your call within the hour.  And it probably wasn't that she didn't want to, she could have been busy.  Maybe she didn't get your message yet.  You have to take all that into consideration and quit blaming yourself.  Things happen as time lets them, not always as we wish.  The CBT therapy is very good, it teaches you that we tend to get a one track mind with all or nothing thinking, kind of in black and white.  But there are so many gray areas in between.  For instance, you say you feel worthless.  But if you were to sit down and write a list of all the good things about yourself, you woulf realize there is no way possible that you could be worthless.  This tends to change our way of thinking.  We learn patience, not to judge people or assume things, not everybody likes us as we don't always like everybody we meet.  No matter how bad we feel, there is somebody else worse off than us and there will always be people better than us.  We all walk the journey of life, and we all have our own pace.  So start trying to look for positives, give people the benefit of the doubt.  Look on internet for a book on it or discuss it with you counselor.  I think that it would help you very much to learn about it.  It is really uplifting.

Hugs, Karen

Thanks Karen I read part of that book 4 yrs ago when I had severe depression (my first incident of it). I will read it again. I really can't think of any positive things about myself. All I can think of is negative. I wish I didn't think like this. And in the past with my ex and the guy I met in FL (if they didn't call me after I had called in a few hrs.), I'd call them again or txt them and ask are you busy or do you not want to talk to me? They were busy most of the time. After awhile, I think both of them got sick of my behavior. I think they thought I was crazy. I wish I didn't act like that sometimes. I don't know why I panic and feel so low if a guy doesn't call me back right away. This situation has never happened with my girlfriends (except the 2 girls in FL). It has only happened with my ex and the guy in FL who got me pregnant. I don't want to turn people away. I do have friends but I don't want to lose any. I wish those guys would understand that the way I'm acting is part of my low self esteem/depression as you have said. I really don't know what to do.

Post Edited (confusedgirl22) : 2/27/2008 10:53:52 AM (GMT-7)

Hi Confused,

I am so happy that you have the book, please read it again.  I think that it will really help you.  It just takes time to change the thinking patterns.  So try to be patient with yourself.  Just keep reading.  You will get there, I have faith in you.

hugs,

Karen

Your low self-esteem could be what is pushing the guys away. Now, I don't want you to take that the wrong way, so let me explain......

A time back I was heavy, I am 5' 10" and weighed 190. However, I was very confident in myself, my work, knew I had a great sense of humor, and was plain ole fun to hang out with. I had a lot of guys who wanted to date me, too, even though I was heavy. Now, they all knew I wasn't offering up anything sexual, so I know that isn't the reason they were around. I wanted to hang out with the guys as friends, but they wanted more. It was because I was so confident. Guys find that sexy. Now fast forward to my depression era and I am not at all confident any more and that shows too.

It is what we project about ourselves that can dictate how we will be treated. If we are clingy, calling all the time, and needy then that just pushes people away. That is why we have suggested you talk to a new person every day, to build your self-confidence. When you behave as if you are confident (even if you aren't) then you will get a different reaction.

I believe your counselor was helping to give you confidence, too, and understanding. I hope there is a way you can continue.

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Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue