It is almost 6am. Another night of a few hours sleep, I don't think I have slept at total of 12 hours all week, I am exhausted!!
This morning I am having a rough time already! I see a huge snowstorm is coming and once again I will be chained to my home because of my car, no window-shopping not even able to go to the corner store, I am so sick of this! Tired of being strong and living life like I had never imagined I would. I know that my depression is part, NO ALL OF IT!!!!! After seeing my therapist she and I have talked about how I have behaved in the past, IS MY DEPRESSION AKA Axis 2 personality disorder. Yea she is impressed with my conviction to changing and she says that she sees a more mature Teresa, in her words"like a whole new outlook over the past couple months." That's great, gives me great promise but what if I can not go through life with the pain of losing the one you love the most? TELL ME!!!!!!!!
This morning as I lay awake in bed there was an advertisement for a cd collection that looked great, something that I wanted so that when he came back it would set the mood for the rest of our lives, so many songs advertised was music that he and I shared. Normally, I would turn the channel but this morning I could'nt it is hard to explain but I could'nt, I even called to order it! Didn't of course because you have to have money.
After I decided to turn the channel because the depression was starting, I turned the channel, 1 CHANNEL, and there was the video starting, I mean starting of Alicia Keyes song"Like you'll never see me again". I sat and watched it as I cried and cried, I just knew that if he saw that video or heard that song, he would think of us and miss me as much as I miss him, I dont know it just seems like the signs are driving me crazy, don't say they are not signs, I have tried to see them as something else, really tried. I am trying to go on with my life without him but it is the hardest thing I have ever done, I want so much to see him, so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im sorry that I am rambling but I just really needed to talk to you guys, I am so depressed and I know you guys will lovingly say that this is hard and to keep my faith. Someone once wrote in a post,
"Sometimes you need to separate Faith from "controlling one's own destiny" Faith gives you a focus or direction but you are the driver. Your actions will be influenced by your Faith and your Faith will influence your actions. The 2 go hand in hand. One without the other is like a car with no gas."
I read this every day and for once in my life, something makes sense but hard to achieve, I CAN ACHIEVE THIS!!!!!! I am so sad I wish he could see what this is doing to me, it is over 4 years and being without him is the hardest thing I have ever done, I dont want to do without him....I know, I know, just wanted someone to talk to.
I am really upset so I am going to go, thanks for listening.
Post Edited (faithfully4you) : 3/7/2008 4:35:12 AM (GMT-7)