I have been going to counseling for about
a month and a half now, and its all so new to me.
I left my counseling session last week feeling totally frustrated and saddened. I can't show my emotions. Now that we have finished up the whole evaluation part we started to begin the therapy part; I started discussing the easiest stuff about
my past which is not so easy.
However, I showed no emotion just talked. I have yet to ball my eyes out in the session. Maybe I just have a hard time crying in front of people. On top of that I don't even know what I feel sometimes, I can't explian it, and yes, it frustrates the heck out of me. I use to cry alone in my room at night, now when I start to tear up, I just can't cry, maybe its me shutting down. I have no idea.
My counselor keeps telling me that I have to feel my life and I don't even know how. How do you tell her that?
I have been diagnosed with moderate depression and PTSD; however, I don't take meds, I decided to wing it because I was not looking forward to the side effects especially with my crazy nursing school schedule at this point.
I guess I should share a little about
my abuse so you know where I am coming from, I must say its easier to do it here than face to face with my counselor. Maybe I am just not comfortable enough with her yet, It takes me quite awhile to trust someone. I have always been to type to do everything for myself and handle things alone, so I guess it will take some getting use to.
I did tell my mom and step dad when they returned home; my step-dad punched him in the face, threw him out, and that was the last time we saw him. And the first and last time what happened was even mentioned. My parents just let it go. So we lived with it for a long time without ever talking.
I don't even really remember how I felt about
some of the things that happened to me. I remember the start of things right up until the point where the scary stuff happened and then I can't remember anything from there, how I felt during, after, nothing.
When I questioned my mom about
my step dad seeing she was married to him at the time of my earlier abuse, It was in my teen years that I questioned her without pointing a finger just asking if she was with him at the time etc.. she flipped out on me and said how dare you even think that of your step dad, how dare you want to hurt him like that after all he has done for you. I shut down, I was her daughter and was just blown off. It made me want to keep things to myself even more, because what did it matter.
So I had not mentioned it ever again till in my first counseling session when I was questioned about
whether someone had ever hurt me, I couldn't lie.
I suppose it left me sucking at communication, I suck at being intimate with people, yeah I have a few friends that I have known for a long time, but all at a surface level.
Perhaps, I worry about
what they will think if I share some of my past issues with them.
Maybe thats why I suck at sharing with my counselor. Last week she asked me how I was feeling about
how things were going with counseling and the first thing I thought was, wow she's probably getting frustrated with me because I have not shown any emotion, perhaps I am being subjective, I tend to do that but I felt like total crap leaving there. I found myself feeling bad for her cause I know shes trying and I feel that I am just not helping any. Ok..so can you tell I am somewhat frustrated at this point? I mean how can someone with a 4.0 GPA feel so utterly stupid talking to one person, in a private room?....ugh..
Again,I had to edit your post.
Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 3/10/2008 6:10:32 AM (GMT-6)