Posted 3/11/2008 9:32 PM (GMT -6)
Well, when I first joined this site, it wasn't for me, but to find ways to help my incredible adoptive sister who's helped me through so much but I guess the things I thought were over are kind of still brewing inside and when I was referred by my counselor to see a therapist I was diagnosed with Depression and PTSD.
I came from a physically and emotionally abusive home and I really thought I left all of that behind me now that I finally got out to school, but things just keep creeping up that I thought I'd already dealt with and it's making it hard to keep my GPA up and keep up with my committments. To make matters worse, then I've only got until June until I leave school and I have to find a new therapist in my area when I'm still not used to this one.
I've had to deal with things by myself my whole life. My parents were the stuff of nightmares to me and my grandparents, from whom I always thought I could find unconditional love, turned their backs on me because they would rather listen to my parents, making the trust, faith, and hope I placed in them for nineteen years nothing but lies on a foundation of sand and it leaves me in question of my own reality only to find that, until now, I was really completely alone, even when I believed I wasn't.
I'm still scared I'll lose my adoptive family. I have nothing left from my past, and I'm so afraid that somehow I'll lose the amazing people I finally have if they see whatever it is that my parents, my grandparents, or my friends from growing up saw. It terrifies me that inside there's something ugly and broken and maybe that'll end up being all I've got.
I don't even know what I'm supposed to tell the therapist. Most of what I remember is so blurry these days, and I'm not entirely sure why, and it's hard not to pretend I'm happy when I'm not because for most of my life it was easier to just smile and be accomodating instead of admitting when I'm having a bad day.
I just wish I knew what to do. This whole thing really scares me. It's like the strength I always had, that one thing keeping me from breaking, is suddenly failing me and that's a terrifying concept.