I have been really feeling horrible today. I have no idea what set me off on this downward spiral.
The only thing I can think of is that I had a talk with one of my little sisters for the first time in my life about childhood sexual abuse last night. I thought I would go out on a ledge and tell her I was going to counseling for the first time in my life, now at 34 years of age.
Anyways, in our early teenage years, my sisters and I all said it had happened to us and we left it at that never went into detail. My mom was also sitting with us and was very upset that we didn't tell her earlier. We never did talk about it again after that, not until now that is.
It was and is still hard to talk about it in therapy. But talking with my sister last night really stirred some things up in my head. We finally talked about some of our experiences the name of the men etc...The thing that really bothers me the most is that my sister remembers everything in detail, and she is a year and a half younger than I.
I can only remember things up to the scary part but then can't remember what actually happened during those times. It makes me feel as though they didn't exist, I am extrememly frustrated that I cannot remember how it made me feel during and after. Did I make it all up? Are these memories in my mind just fabricated, if so why do they make me feel so horrible and why can I explain everything up to the point of the abuser putting his hands on me and then its as if I blacked out or something.
I just wish the memories would totally surface so that I don't think they are just these crazy made up stories in my mind.
Can this really happen, can you really forget things that were tramatic. How can she remember and not me, when I was older than her. She had more things happen to her than I did, if anyone should have forgot , I would think it would be her.
I have been feeling totally horrible today, worse than ever, these thoughts are giving me the worst headache. I feel as though I could just crawl in bed and forget the world, but I can't, I have a huge exam tomorrow and I can't even get myself to study for it.
Has anyone here ever had a problem with forgetting part of their memories of abuse, if so, do they come back? I just need to know they were real, that I am not just crazy.
Reason for edit:
I have taken a couple of small pieces out of your post at the beginning, in line with rule #1 (http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997) We have to be very careful around issues surrounding sex and illicit substances as there are legal implications for the site and we also have minors as young as 13 who use the site. Darren
Post Edited By Moderator (djdaz_1985) : 3/17/2008 4:31:03 AM (GMT-6)