Shane, first of all, welcome to the forum!
Second, I wanted to assure you that you are NOT alone. I am 16, and I am also struggling the same way as you are, and have been for some time now. So, you aren't alone. I know how it is having to struggling with this stuff. I have had depression for some time now also, but it didnt start because I was questioning my orientation. However, when I started questioning myself it got worse for a while. I am like you, I am not close to my family at all, and I am not all that close to my friends, and I also dont trust most people.
However, after struggling for so long I got tired of it. I know things are different in the U.S. than where you live so... but here people are more accepting now. I finally told a few friends that I thought I might be gay. They were all ok with it, however, I havent made that perminent. And you dont have to either. I know you are worrying and questioning yourself and you want to know one way or the other, but you should just wait and let it come to you. You will know with time. You dont have to "decide"... you are just you...
I agree with the others. I know you said people there discriminate against gays, but this is what I did, try looking for someone who doesnt discriminate and doesnt have a problem with gay people. For me, I watched a few of my friends and got them on the subject so I could hear there opinions. Once I knew what they thought, I knew who I could trust. I only told a few friends. And I made it clear that I wasnt sure.
I think you should find someone to tell. Or maybe just write it out to yourself. You need to get your feelings out... sometimes it helps to get thoughts out of your head. Thats what I do. And just to let you know, I feel better about it now. Although, it is always a somewhat of a struggle because people use slurs everyday and I just dont pay attention to them. People who are against gays are ignorant and insecure about themselves.
Ok, sorry this is going to be long, but I really want to help you! You said something about suicide attempts, I dont want you to feel alone with that. Some people here have been through that as well. Personally, so have I. I know what that is like and its scary. We are here for you and we care about you. You have friends here now!
Question: Is your depression just because of your confusion about your sexuality, or were you depressed and then started questioning yourself?
I know you said you have been depressed since around 13, but I just wondered if it was because you werent sure of yourself. Thats ok, I know a lot of gay people and most of them went through the same thing. I wish I could help you more, but I dont know how it is where you live. But, if telling someone that you arent sure is going to get you beat up or even killed, I wouldnt tell anyone. I know its hard telling people, but its also hard holding it in... But for now you dont have to tell anyone about that. However, you need to talk about your depression. It can get worse, as you probably know. And I dont want anything to happen to you just because you were afraid to speak up. You dont have to be silently tortured like that.
I know this was long, but I hope I helped you in some way. If you ever want or need to talk, I am here for you. I understand what you are going through and how you feel. So, feel free to contact me anytime. Take Care of yourself and keep posting!
"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another
word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to
smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."