I wouldn't want an antidepressant that had that numbing effect. I think that we want to feel happy as well as we don't want to feel sad. So I can understand you there. But there are many different antidepressants and I, like you, went through a lot of them. But I finally found something that worked for me. It took quite a few years of trying this and that along the way, but I finally got there. For now anyway.
I had a lot of side physical side effects with zoloft also and it was very discouraging because I could not tolerate it at all. I started with buspar then zoloft, paxil, prozac, effexor, serzone, wellbutrin and then back to effexor. The reason that I stopped the effexor the first time was because I was feeling good and didn't think that I needed it anymore. But the reason that I was feeling good was because of the medication. I guess that I thought I was cured. I don't like taking pills and now I take a bunch. Not all anti depressants though, I have other health issues.
As for your cerebral palsy, you shouldn't feel ashamed when you are around others worse off than you, you have limitations but it sounds like you handle that really well. There will always be others worse and better than ourselves. I have fibromyalgia and I know that it along with depression is a disability. But I too get that feeling when I see other people who are more disabled than myself. But I think we all try our hardest no matter what. I think that we should feel fortunate when we are in that situation, not ashamed of what we can do as opposed to what others can't. I sure hope that I am making sense, I know what I want to say but I don't know if it is coming out right. So please forgive me if it sounds wierd. I do think that you know what I mean.
I hope that you find the right medications for you. And I hope that things become easier for you too. Keep posting, we are all in the same boat mentally and emotionally. This is a good place to vent and nobody judges you. So keep posting.