,,,,,,,,,,i dont know what to write so im just going to wright whats in my head and hope you see even half a millametre of pain i feel i am only human and can only take so much only when does it stop,,,,,,,i am human with deep pain and lockedup emotions
I remember i was a little girl not sure how old but around 7 ish,,,,,and i remember my mum putting me and my brothers and sisters in a bedroom and for some reason the place ruskinton ring alarm bells in my head i saw a mouse and because we only had matress to sleep on the floor this scared me,,i remember running towards the bedroom door but it was blocked off by a set of draws i called mummy i was crying ans so scared i was banging on the door trying to get her attention ,,,next thing i remember was her pushing the door open knocking me off the draws onto the floor ware somehow i had a thick lip ware my tooth went into it and i remember my toe was saw too maybe i caught this on draws?
i still have this scar on my lip and when i see it or feel it this is all i see.....im not sure what happened to me before this age only small pieces that i cant make sence of like being hungry and taking frozen sossages out of the freezer and putting them in the tumble dryer to eat,,,,,, and i remember eating dog biscits
because i was hungry ,,,,,,,,,
again what happened between then and age 8 its pieces in my head,,,,,,,,i remember going in and out of foster care till i was around 9 ,,,,,,,,,,,???????/ during these times i remember i cant ever remember seeing my real father.
at the age of 9 i remember more like coming out of foster care and me and my 5 brothers and sisters was took to our fathers house by socal servives and we began to live with him and our step mum,,one day my dad asked my step mum to run a bath for us and help up wash,,,,she run the bath and i climed in ,he then sent her out side to hang the washing out and he then came in the bathroom and started washing me face arms tummy then a day or so after he was upstairs painting our bedroom he asked if i liked what he did in the bath to me i pretended i did not remember so he shoes me and put his hand there again,,,,,he said not to say anything to anyone about it,
this got worce and this is when he started abusing me ....he asked me one day to wright a letter to him saying i was ok with him doing it then hw wanted it were it went from there i dont know.......................................................................he started having with me and when i pushed him away he became nasty punishing me for nothing shouting so it just carried on untill i was 15my way of copeing was to eat and eat till i got big and scrach my legs deep with my nails to the extent ware there bleeding sometimes through the night i would do this to the extent there would be blood on my bedding because at this point he was punching kicking screaming at me more and more i just could not handle any more ,,,i met a couple and told them what has been happening to me and at the time a had a lack eye they invited me into there home and looked after me fed me and clothed me,they eventurlly took me to the police so i could explain to them whats has been happening i was then took to hospital and had tests internals and i hated every second of it but by this stage in my life i was numb,did not even know what emotions were ,,,,,,,,,,,because of my age i was placed into care again and after being there 2 weeks the socal worker came to me and asked if i wanted to live with my mum i said yes and the sad thing is i was so exited ,,,,,someone was going to love me i had my mum,,,,,
this was not the case i moved in with her in august 98 and she suffered a very bad split personality and was very verbally abusive till she got what she wanted .....in november 98 i moved out and my two step brother and sister from the former marrage was taken into care and adopted ........i have not seen my mother since nov 98 and my father since august 98 . i moved into a shared flat and started working in a factory as i was barly allowed to school so i had no quolyfcations to go to collage at the time ............................................at 16 this is were my life changed i met a guy not every knowing what i wanted from him but love ,we dated and in november 99 proposed to me i said yes ,,,,,,,,,,,,in april 2000 we moved into a house and i found out i was pregnant so in september we got marrried .i was in and out of the hospital for 7 months because of constant bleeding and pain .they said it may be due to scar tissue from the abuse..in december i had a little girl and she was 8 weeks premature and was born by ceserian section,,,,,,,,,i was so happy in life and i was shown what love was i miss not having a mother i could talk to and have her help me through a tough time when my daughter was born 2 years late i fell pregnant again only this was worce than my first pregnancy as again the pain and bleeding started and anougher litttle girl born at 27 weeks by ceserian this was very stressfull....i was then told i had IBS irritablle bown syndrome i have a family of 4 and even thow i had a rough life i moved on i was on anti depressance for years ,,,,,,,,i was on the pill as i could not cope with the pain of seeing such a inicent baby so ill again but dispite this i was pregnant again .......same problems as previouslly bu she was born at 32 weeks and i coped better as i knew what to expect but still craved my mum.....we needed a bigger house and we decided we cant go through another pregnancy and decided to have the coil ,,,,,dispite me being out of control emotinally i hid this away untill reality kickedin i had a nervouse breakdown as things startrd coming more and more to me ,,,,,,,,,,i was put under phyciatric care and finally through time i got better .2006 still strong marrage and family but my perouds were so up and down ,,,the pain was unberablle and just got worce but i ignored it untill i could no more i was pregnant again this time it was a boy and he was severlly ill born at 25 weeks due to placenta abruption and i had to have another ceserian doctor said he was a mirical child and i could see this he was in hospital for 6 months and eventurlly came home on oxygen,, .....i have tried so hard to get ware i am today and i have faced jeloussy fear pain but i was deturmened i will get through all of this now 2008 all my children are doing great and very healthy me i ended up having a historectomy because i acturlly has endymetriosis scar tissue
i am ware i am in life through determanation and at the moment i am still going to councling and im on 80mg prozac it does not matter what happens in life i am a strong belever in someone is suffering more i am so greatfull to my husband for helping me through this pain and i am getting there slowly.......
only recentlly i had anougher break down and its coming and going ,,,,now i feel low very low and thats because i use to be a size 22 having turning to food as a child i ended up with a big belly 10 years on and after haveing 5 opperations 4 ceserians due to preturm babies ans 1 historectomy my tummy sags and every time i see it i see what i went through and it hurts so much ,,,
iv been to the doctors for a tummy tuck on the nhs but the waiting list is for years and i just cant afford a tummy tuck as having 4 children and just having found out my husband has perthes desease and spondylolsis he cant work and he is on 80mg morphine daily plus luiquid top up so i now support him and the children