I am sorry that you are feeling so bad. And you are right, depression is cruel and the most devastating illness in the world.
You are familiar with my battle with depression as you have at times lifted me up with your words. I have fought this demon for over 20 years and I am still fighting it and I too know that it will reak havoc on me until the day I die.
I am dealing with issues of grief at this time. Do you possibly think that there is something you are grieving that might be adding to your depression?
I wish I could say that hang tough it will go away but the truth is that it will not if you have clinical depression, you will have to fight every day. There will be days when you just cant move out of bed or shower and I am sure you are like me that when I try to relax I feel like I should be doing something productive and if others knew what you were doing, they would think you are a worthless human being. We shouldn't feel that way but we will. I want so much to get up and handle a day like so many others.
My friends on here are my saving grace and they will be for you as well, we are family to each other and truly care, sometimes the encouraging words from them are the key to understanding that I have people who truly care for me.
I think that there are many of us at this time of the year are struggling with the ability to enjoy the beautiful weather and sunshiney days.