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Post Edited (Admin) : 5/5/2004 4:11:26 PM GMT

 I have written many books and poetry in regards to my feelings for my children.  I always felt I would have enough time to tell them and to show them just how much they mean to me.  And now...........They are gone!! I feel a big empty space that I can't seem to fill up safely.  I miss them.  I miss being needed by them, and I miss the hugs and kisses before bedtime. They all live now in the place I brought them up in, and now we are seperated by miles that I just can't seem to get back to.  I just want things to be back the way they used to be and for them to always need me for something.  Isn't that sick?  I raised them all so that they would leave the nest someday, I just wanted really ready for them to leave at all.  And I have an abandonment issue anyway from my childhood, so I feel as though they might forget me, while they are living their lives.  I have so much love to give, and so much creativity with my puppetry, dancing, writings, and such that I just can't seem to get any of it out there for someone else to enjoy.  I always felt that I truly didn't start living at all until the birth of my first child, and then that they completed me, but now what do I do.  I find myself just walking around in cirlcles, and god help me, if I find an old picture in the house. I start crying and then I can't stop.  I am proud of each of them, they have stared adversity and death in the face and went on with their goals.  I never was a good role model for them, I was just mom, and that's all I ever wanted to be. Just mom, while society says that isn't good enough, I say that it is an emmy that not every one gets, nor should even be nominated for  so, I consider myself blessed.  I just really miss them.

I need to talk about withdrawing from Opiates.