Posted 4/21/2008 10:56 AM (GMT -7)
I'm an 18-year-old, and I am depressed. I have been sad for a long time, but the last few months the sadness got worse, and I realised I fitted the description of depression. I wrote my thoughts down a few days ago:
Am I depressed? The symptoms suggest so, I'm not sure. I do feel sad, more
than sad, hopeless. The absence of purpose combined with an abyss of
insecurity drowns me with it. I want to be on my own, to take away the
responsibility, to take away the eyes that are always gazing, to take away the
Due to the overflow of failure I collapsed, and every sign of hope is
immediately changed to despair, pain, hatred, sadness, hopelessness. Due to
the overflow of failure I can not succeed anymore. I know this, I know the
cure, I can't....
What goes up has got to fall....
The higher I climb, the deeper the fall. I know this, I am scared of this. I know
that hope will stack up, will break, will fall. Falling hurts, deep inside I am
falling all the time. Little steps I take, only to fall back. Hope will make me
climb higher, try to escape this pit. Hope will give me the strength to do so.
Hope will make my fall worse, worse, worse. I know this. My body, my mind,
my spirit know this. The adapt, to absorb the blow. Failed yet again. The only
cure is not to climb anymore, but to stay at the bottom of the pit. My body,
my mind, my spirit now warns me when hope approaches, makes me feel
sick. Sick of hope, sick of failure, sick of the endless torture. No more hope
means no more falling, no more pain. No more people means no more staring
down the pit, no more eyes, no more responsibility, no more failure.
Is this the cure?
It might be, it might not. Time will tell. Time thought me to think. To think of
the life I have, all the good things that I have, and the few things that I lack. I
believe I have enough good things to live a happy and unconcerned life, yet
the lack of the few things I miss is what keeps me down, drowns me. All I
want is to have a purpose. I haven't. The lack of motivation caused by my
insecurity is my weakness. I don't want to decide what my purpose will be, yet
I want to be able to choose my own destiny. I don't want to love nor to hate,
yet I do both. I want people to look up to me while staying in the shade of
others. I don't want to be around others that judge me, yet I feel lonely when
How can you cure someone who already knows the cure, yet is unable to
I felt pretty depressed when I wrote that, but yesterday was even worse. I couldn't stand the doubt any more, so I told this girl I loved her. Yet again the same answer. Somehow I can get along with everyone, I have some really nice friends, but I never had a girl who loved me. I'm only 18, so it isn't a disaster or anything, but it does make me feel sad. This combined with the lack of purpose in my life makes me really insecure and hopeless. I can't figure out what I do wrong, maybe that I want to share my love too much. I never talked about my feeling with anyone, and in return nobody ever shared his or her 'deeper' feelings with me. It makes me feel alone. And the doubt created by this takes away my mental energy. The things I used to enjoy, stuff like parties and meetings, now makes me feel sad. I have to really motivate myself to go to a meeting, and once I'm there it only get worse. In fact, everyone makes me feel insecure(except my brother).
The most depressing part of this is, I have no reason for being depressed. I have the best parents I can imagine, I am really good at sports, I getting through school with A's (I'm Dutch, so I might be wrong with the A's), etc. Realising this only makes stuff worse.
In the end I feel like there are two things I really want, yet I can't seem to achieve those goals. As said before, I want someone who I can share my love (not sex, as you might expect from an 18-year-old, just talk) and emotions with, and I want to write a song I am proud of (I compose film music). My insecurity causes me to achieve neither.
As said before, last night was the worst night I had so far, with reasons. But the most frightening part was I deliberately hurt myself. First, I hit the wall with all the force I had. I didn't hurt enough. After that, I bit in my wrist. Not a normal bite, but I was really trying to bite something of. It felt weird, but satisfying. After that I got calmer than I have ever been in the last year.
This morning I realised that I can't do this on my own anymore. I don't want to physically injure myself again. I discovered that writing down and sharing my thoughts did help, no matter how uncomfortable I feel telling. This morning I told my parents that I think I am depressed, yet I won't tell my friends soon. I am thinking of getting (professional) help, but I'm not sure if it will help me. What are youre thoughts on this?
I could type for hours, but I guess it is long enough for now. A few last things. After a search on google I found that the best fitting description of my depression is existential depression. Does anyone has experience and tips for this kind of depression? Also, I don't feel depressed all the time. Not when I exercise, not when I don't have to see people. Today I feel ok, because I skipped school (for the first time). Vacation is coming up, and I hope that will help.
Thanks for letting me share my story!