I need to find some clarity about the quirky chaos running around my life. So many questions, intrusions, assumptions, expectations, threats, judgements. Major changes in my life are happening now and in my attempt to make sense out of it all, things have only gotten muddier. I need someone to talk to; we are so new to this city that I have neither a doctor nor a priest. What I want- and am beginning to feel that I can fight for it and get there- is a sense of lightness, discard the heavy mess of my life and for once, live it according to my wishes and beliefs. Things that I value must be moved to the top of the list; satisfying everyone's expectations no longer interest me. In less than a month in a new city, 1500 miles from where I last lived, all I can muster is wondering if I am depressed again- or- a little afraid that maybe I can find myself here. Maybe I could re-focus on eliminating what is so harmful to me. When I try to envision my immediate future, I believe I see sun rays, and hear laughter, and feel purposeful. It's been so long for me- the isolation I imposed on myself was a last ditch effort to remove myself from the harmful family members who thought that my priorities were out of control. I told them before I left that their biggest problem was that my priorities were out of their control. Clearly, after what happened a month ago, I have done a bad job of realizing how incredibly committed they are to making me grovel and cry and finally grasp what they have been saying for so many years. They need to break me so they can hold me in judgement outloud with no more of that silly pretense of whispering amongst themselves. Now they can use the more effective and humiliating "in your face" method. My mental health is not the greatest and I desperately try to hold onto it. But its getting more difficult with family members I don't trust, insisting that they only want to "help".
I need to get out into this fabulous community and feel the sun, listen to music in the park, join the local community theatre. I have to re-gain control over my choices and sense of direction. Thank you for listening. I do believe that I must get back on Cymbalta. This emptiness and anxiety need to leave. I hope that tomorrow can be the first day of my new sense of GO!
Peace be with you!