Posted 5/24/2008 6:16 PM (GMT -7)
I've been divorced a year this coming May 31st. I was separated from my ex for almost 2 years previous to that. He had an affair in '97 that I took him back for..did the counseling bit, took the blame..stayed with him due to us having a daughter together. He did it again in '05 and I was done.
I see now how much denial I was actually in. I almost shut myself off when I found out and became Ms. Tough cookie. My daughter was 6 the first time and 15 the next time. I feel she got lost in the mix of all this. When I found out my ex was cheating in '05, he left and instantly became the victim. In a 10 day period I found out that he was cheating, the other woman was pregnant yet they both told me they aborted the child so I wouldn't be reminded of the affair, he had spent $30,000 in retirement from his job's retirement, blew our entire bank account, I was only working 10 hours a week, our house's roof got damaged, the septic system went haywire, my blazer's transmission blew up........in other words, I went in deep debt trying to keep ends met and bills paid. I had to file bankruptcy due to all of it.
He has not picked our daughter up since he left..not even for a hamburger. He doesn't call to see how she is...never once has he called to say the simple words "How is she?" The other woman left him in a matter of days and he instantly became the 'woest me' victim saying no one wanted him now and has yet to take any responsibility for his actions.
I love my daughter to death but she's had to live like a college roommate to me...I went to work full time, went back to college..and couldn't even finish due to being exhausted......and she was alone about 75% of the time. I think she just lost herself just as much as me. She hardly has any respect for me and her schoolwork suffered. I have not dated since he left and I am so lonely I could scream. But my guilt is eating me alive. I feel like such a failure to her...I'm not rich, I couldn't finish college, I'm worn out, I had to file bankruptcy..I failed her so much. I couldn't give her things that other parents have. Her dad wants nothing to do with her and I'm so weak. What she must have went thru is killing me. And I just didn't see it because I was so self absorbed in my own pain, anger, and my need to push ahead and not let anyone see me not in control. I have a hard time asking for help and don't know how.
She is now in her senior year and can't graduate with her class due to not being able to pass the History part of Ohio's Graduation Tests. She has all her credits, yet is 4 points away from getting the score she needs. And she doesn't seem to care. She doesn't seem to care about much. She's become a hermit and treats me like I"m a leper or something. Her dad is required to pay support until she turns 18 and then I have no idea how I'm going to support us both. If she has no diploma I have no idea how she's going to work. I almost feel like her anger towards him has been so compounded on me that she blames me full tilt.
On top of all this, I've had my mother telling her in private that I should have been here more..I shouldn't have had to work nor go to college...I can't seem to win for losing. I feel I have no one in my corner at all. I began a new job at a large hospital here in January - I hear the girls talk of their husbands/boyfriends..their young kids..their happy lives..and I feel so inferior to them all. Like if they all only knew how lonely and depressed I really was they'd be in shock. I put on a false front of how I've made my life better since my divorce but it's been such a struggle that I just don't know how to function much anymore. I stutter and stammer around the doctors and feel I'm beneath them...I'm shy and very to myself. I know I've become paranoid and they wouldn't have hired me unless they feel I can do the job............but I feel so out of their league. They live in huge houses, have things I'll never dream of having..........young fresh lives with small babies.......and my daughter won't even hardly talk to me. I come home to silence and when she does talk it's mostly sarcasm. I don't feel like coming home hardly anymore.
I just feel so out of control.........but what's scaring me is that I can't admit it to anyone. I just keep hiding it inside and cover it up. I worry about money...I'm so lonely.......but most of all, I love my daughter to death and feel like I failed her. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Thanks for listening.