This just isn't good.
Yesterday morning, I had a major health upset that I've never had before. Involving a hell of a lot of blood and clots and all things nasty really, and directions from NHS direct too stay home and rest, drink loads of water and ring back in 3 hours.
Being the clever sausage that I am, I decided I had too make my appointment with my psychiatrist. It was an appointment with Paul and my cf nurse, too discuss babies and the impact on my health and such.Oh, and how likely I am too get post natal depression. I decided 2 hours on a bus, that's pretty much resting. I could drink loads of water, and by the time I got upto the hospital, I could pop into A+E if things were bad. Got there and stomach cramps started, I'd been told too ring NHS direct or go to A+E should any pain start.
Still carried on with my appointment. Don't know why, as I decided not too mention it to this psych and nurse, so they just thought I just wasn't listening. Rather than being too out of it too listen. Anyway got through appointment, I've probably taken in all of 40% of what was said. Mentioned it to them as I was leaving, but didn't really go into detail. Just said blood loss, I'll be fine.
Paul then thankfully decided too get it into my head, I was a lot worse, I should go too A+E, as we had a nice long 2 hour journey ahead of us.
A+E were shocked-why we were there too begin with, why hadn't we told CF team, what the deal is with having too tell the cf team everything anyway. They gave me painkillers, the blood wasn't soo major now anyway. I got home ok.
Why on Earth I put myself through all that though is now a mystery. I can't really remember my emotions at the time, or what I was thinking. When it first happened, I know my first thought was, oh my god maybe I'd finaly managed too get pregnant and now I'm having a miscarriage. Maybe that's why I felt the need not to mention it too anyone that could help, for as long as I did.
This is the bit I hate most about
my head, it just does crazy things, but gives me no explanations for anything. At times of panic, I have no control over what I do, I just do things and then think about
them later. This could be doing things like avoiding certain people, too harming myself.
Trouble for me, is I'm brilliant at analysing the past and knowing what should have been done. Get me too analyze the future and I can't do it. My psychiatrist is currently trying too make me think about
how I will cope with a baby. My brain has shut off, I don't now how I'll cope I just will. I won't get post natal depression, not being able too have kids, was one of the original triggers of my depression. I really can't imagine how having a baby could trigger anything but happiness. This is what I live for. I've never been good at anything else, but I know that with a child in my arms, I would run too the end of the Earth to keep them safe and happy. I can't answer how I'll do that. I just will.
I have too be prepared for all this, for when I go too see the gynaecologist. Because he's going too ask all these questions, and I'll have too answer them. It's just making me scared though, what if I answer a question wrong.
This has turned itself round quite quickly huh? Maybe I took more in than I thought.
1 day left of college before we break up for the hols. Thankfully the hosp and scope are keeping me busy. scope have meals and alsorts coming up too keep me busy, plus my mentor training will start soon. The hosp, I have 3 appointments with my psych, one with my neurologist, two with my physio, one cf clinic appointment. My diary is full to the brim for the next month! How, I'm still getting chance too think is beyond me.
Keep looking into cookies cage, am going too have too move it I think. I'm not allowed another hamster now. cookie was bought too get me over the death of my little sunny who died last year. Now I just miss them both like crazy instead of just one of them. I know they're only hamsters, and I didn't expect them too last forever, but it's still upsetting that they're now gone.
Still waiting to find out when our friends funeral will be. You're right about having a funeral wardrobe kitt. I have a few outfits too pick from now.
I thinks it's just such a shock, as before august last year, I'd know 2 people who had died. Also, I don't think seeing people being whisked by at 6am in a bod bag, while in hospital as helped feeling so sad about people dying. The only thing that's helping, is thinking they are going away too be angels, in a land I can only dream of.
Moderator of the Cystic Fibrosis Forums
Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild Liver Cirrohsis, Mild Osteopenia, Erythema Nodosum. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
Medication: Creon 10,000, Flucloxacillin, Vitamins A,D+E, Serevent, Salbutamol, Paracetamol, Ondansetron, Nefopam, Ursodeoxycholic Acid, Saline neb/PEP system, Mirtazapine,slow-sodium, Skandishake and Fresubin.
Had a Port-a-cath fitted on chest wall since Nov 05
Post Edited (Darkies Gem) : 6/4/2008 3:55:55 AM (GMT-6)