Scarey set-back

Well, went baby sitting last night. That nephew of mine is just adorable. Only 11 months old, and I think he's already recognising me as the aunty with all the sweets. Can't leave the room without him either folowing me or crying. Makes me feel all loved. My only problem is, with my arms and legs being all weak again, I can't pick him up for long, like I could 3 weeks ago. He's a really cuddly baby and it usually makes me feel so happy just too sit and have a cuddle with him.

Had yet another arguament with Paul, over the same thing. Also he's now moaning because he has too do a full 8 hour shift today. Normally he only does 6 hours, as that way, he's home ready too make my tea, so I don't burn the house down. I just can't believe how he's moaning about being so hard done by. I used too do 15 hour shifts at McD's and complained less. He hasn't exactly got a demanding job. He sits down all day on the phones.

I know what my remeron is doing, it generally improves my mood, and stops me completely sinking and just ignoring the world.
When I was taken off it for 6 months in the past, I really sunk, and couldn't face leaving the house. I had a few very good attempts at kiling myself. I took up smoking for a month, as a form of self-harm (year's of being told 1 cig could really harm me). I turned into a stick. Before remeron, I can kind of remember what I was like. I remember my doc really panicking, when I let on how I was feeling. I spent 99% of the time just crying and couldn't look anyone in the eyes. I constantly wore a baseball cap or hooded top too keep people seeing into me. I felt like I was in a very dark forest and there were just eyes constantly on me. I couldn't stand colours, or bright lights. They were the opposite of what I was feeling.

On the remeron, I can wear colous other than black, I can actually see there is a lot of beauty in the world. I can think of killing myself, but then I know there is something that stops me. I think it makes my mind work a little faster, so I can stop myself, before I do anything. It improves my appetite and makes me crave chocolate and cheese.

Before it, noone could make me start college, noone could make me join any social groups. I wouldn't be having my weekly physio sessions, I wouldn't have accepted any help from anyone. The only time I would leave the house, was to go too hospital appointments.

I guess I should actually be thankful I'm not how I used too be. But, I know full well, it's my remeron that changed everything, whenever I've come off it in the past, even when remeron was replaced with sertraline, I just wasn't as strong then as I am now. I don't ever want to have too visit the place Iused to be.

It obviously doesn't make me super happy constantly, I don't think anything does. I still start too slip down the cracks, and it scares me still when things go wrong. Even though I think I can trust myself now, I still get scared that one more slip, and I'm not going too know what I'm doing. I still get so afraid of loosing myself, like I used too before remeron.
I still have massive 'blips' in my depression, where sometimes I'm really really low.But it still keeps me standing.

Noone is sure how too go about bringing my enzyme levels down, they just go down as and when they feel like it. When they took me off my remeron last time, my levels didn't change, they stayed high for months and months, then suddenly dropped for no reason. Also I've been on remeron at the same dose since like June/july last year I think, and they started too go right down too 180, which was amazing. That was in January when on my last lot of IV antibiotics. Then all of a sudden they've shot up again while, on the same medication, in the same doses. These enzymes basically attack my muscles. All the waste fom this has too pass through my kidneys, and in normal people, this would block there kidneys up. For some reason though, my kidneys are just leting things pass them by, without making a fuss. It's the first and probably only time, I like myself for being totally odd and not normal:P

Kitt, your post made me laugh, and thankyou so much for that. I use humour a lot too help me see my situation as lighter than it is. Smiles are what make the world go round. And, they also make it easier too pretend everything is ok. Things have been so difficult just recently, and I'm up and down and round and round and I don't know where I should be. You're making things soo much easier for me. Both you and Karen.

(((((((((((((((((Kitt and Karen))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You've been so good too me and patient with me, thankyou
Gem x

PS: High tea, I've never heard of it, lol. Unless it's just like tea time. Instead of breakfast, lunch dinner. Around here we usually call it breakfast dinner and tea. After a quick Wiki search, high tea is just another meal time.

Now, you know you really want too know the joys of a hot cup of tea with milk.......Mmmmmmmmmmm...........And, real fish and chips from the seaside. Us Yorkshire folk hold the true knowledge of the UK

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