I too am going thru a rough, very rough patch in my marrigae right now, its me who wants to leave, but he would never let me take the children, well the youngest anyway, the oldest can decide, but the way i am right now he probably stay with his dad. I just feel that my husb, doesnt love me anymore, becuz i have gained so much weight, which i will be workig on, i cant do much in the way of exercise except swim, I better get to it, the sun bothers me, so i have to wear very dark glasses, it huts my eys very badly, which gives me a headache. But i do have an opportunity with some herbal tea I know wrokld because i saw it first hand my friend and her mil have both lost over 50 lbs( thats about
what I need to lose, maybe a few more to really make me happy). but even when i lose weight, i still feel the love is not the same, and i dont want to be where im not loved in the way a marrried couple should be. i dont think my husband has time or desire to see a marrige counsler, or co-pays are very high, and i have so many med bills as it is,i m hopping i lose weight over the summer so I can get this substitute teacher job. But i have to fit in my clothes to wear to school, I am not getting larger clothes.
My husband already has his own downstairs apt he made for himslef. I cant do that the kids are right behind me messing it up, it leaves me feeling helpless, or anything I do is in vein. And its not easy for me to clean, I have arthritus in my back and knees, and on top of the fibro, the only thing helps be able to even clean at all is pain killers, and even they are not strong enough.
My husband supports us all, I feel like a thrid child, and i really hate that feeling, i woudl have to have a job to move, and still need help from him, which i dont think he wants me to leave, if for that reason alone, and I watch our daughter, son does what he wants( which isnt helping me clean). I soemtimes want a clean little apt like my hub got going that know one will mess up. he keeps the door locked. But if i git would have to be with a job and alimony, which I think my hub doesnt want to do. He even said its cheaper to stay toghether. But I cant keep up with the messes my children create and wont clean up after themsleves. Hub works two jobs, so cant really expect him too, he does more than his share. its the kids, the little one is more helpful then the older one. If i left I would want to take the youngest with me, but my hub wouldnt let me, buti worry she would get hurt buy the older one, my husbamd doesnt see that, when he is around they fight, but its not physical like i see it. My husband seems to thnk i can get a full time job say mcdonalds is one he threw at me, I cant do that, one it would kill me, two i cant leave the kids alone with each other all day. he thinks i can, they would kill each other. The subbing is my best bet, after i lose weight to have clothes to wear, its hard because i cant exercise except swim. I feel like my husband is only going to love me when I am thin and pretty the way Iwas when we met and married. i am losing weight for me, if he likes it thats fine. But I still think it wont be the same. And I am having a hard time, living with it, which is why I dont want to live with it, it depressing knowing you have to live with someone that thinks your fat and bascialy worthless, since i cant keep up with the kids messes. I keep the dishes clean, and the laundry done, but after that I need help, and im not getting any.
. Im stuck i have to stay, i wouldnt make it on my own, and cant leave the younger one with the older one, not even for a day. i will be going to counseling on the 12th, and the kids later one. I feel guilt because it my husbands money I use to take myslef and the children to the docs, well i dont feel guilty about the kids, there his kids too, but i do about myslef, i wish i could afford to take care of myslef.
Ihave offers of people letting me stay for some of the summer, my sister, a friend in calif. but one how would i get to calif. i could probably drive to ohio where my sister is is. but i cant leave the younger one, but my hub wouldnt let me take her, they are very close. he has no one to watch her, she would be left alone with older one, no way, one I thinks thats illegal, two i wont let it happen, maybe for an hour afterschool, but not for a whole day. I dont know where else to vent that i know people will not judge me. Im sorry so long, I guess this thread got me thinking of my own situation. again Im sorry, I will end now, with thanks for listening....