Depressed after a break up - Just need some advice

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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 5/29/2008 10:38 PM (GMT -6)   
This is going to be a fairly long post, please bear with me. There's a lot to get off of my chest.

I'm a 20 year old male. I was in a relationship for over two-and-a-half years with my ex... the first girl I'd ever been with. She was all of my firsts, from hugs and cuddling straight up through sex.

In early April, she broke up with me. At first, I thought it was no big deal. We'd broken up before, and had been able to work out our problems and got back together. This time was different though; she was living with me. We fought a bit, but it didn't really hit me until she up and moved out while I was at work one day.

I've gone up and down a lot since the break up. I was doing fine until last week. Last week, I started thinking about her a whole lot. I came to realize that I'm not even in love with her anymore, I'm just in love with the idea of her; the idea of having someone around for support when I'm stressed (I really like to be hugged).

I went to a concert, and most of the roads I had to take to get there took me past places we used to go a lot, so I was getting slammed with memories. I almost ended up not having fun at all at the concert. This made it even harder to bear. On top of this, I spend a lot of time alone, since my only roommate works over night shifts and I work during the day.

I started having suicidal thoughts. I had had them before, but that was over a social phobia. Since then, I've gotten over that (mostly), but now I feel as if I'll never find happiness again. This girl made me happier than I'd ever been.. even if in retrospect I'm still not really happy.

I had tried to get her back. I got on AIM and MySpace, and was chatting with her. I found out that she was "talking with someone" as well as me. Well, I came to find out that this meant she was just chatting with another friend she had met around 3 years ago (about when we met), and I took it to mean that she was seeing this person. I have been physically sick. For a time, I would vomit if I thought about her, and I subconsciously starve myself, which is very bad since I'm already a very thin person (fast metabolism).

Well, after I basically begged her to take me back (looking for a familiar comfort), I've calmed down quite a bit. I no longer feel sick when I think about her (most of the time), I don't shake from fear, I don't get sick, and I can eat normally. I don't want to kill myself anymore. I'm joining a kickboxing class with a buddy, and I'm celebrating my 21st this week. I feel... well, what could be called good.

The reason I'm posting here is because today, for no real reason, I've been very sad. I'm an emotional man, and when I feel an emotion, I express it. I've been virtually on the verge of tears all day (even at work), and I can't explain it. I just wanted some advice as to whether I'm moving in the right direction by going out with friends and such.

I still feel guilty for looking at other girls. Is that normal? Am I just paranoid? Should I be doing things "outside my comfort zone" to try to meet new people, or should I just lay low for a while? Any insight is appreciated.

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 5/30/2008 3:23 AM (GMT -6)   
I think you do need to come out of your comfort zone a bit, I think you've already been pushed out of it by splitting up with your ex, so you might aswell keep pushing it, thats what I tend to do when I come out of a relationship, is get out there, and do as many different things as I can to take my mind of it, meet new people and get on with my life.  Thats just me though, you have to do what feels right and what it best for you, although for me when I'm feeling depressed the worst thing I can do is to stay at home and dwell on it.  I think you've become used to having your ex around and its a big shock to the system that suddenly she isn't there anymore, you need to get used to being on your own again and doing things on your own.  It's hard, but I bet you'll really enjoy it once you get used to it!
Just take one day at a time and see how things go!

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42536
   Posted 5/30/2008 7:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Stave,

I think that confused is right. I think you should go out with your friends and just see what happens. At least that would occupy your mind some. Look at other girls, there is nothing wrong with that. But I would just take it one day at a time like stated above. But keep moving forward.

Oh yes, welcome to healing well. I think you will find it very therapeudic here.

Hugs, Karen...
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 5/31/2008 4:13 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi there Staveandor..You sound like a really nice guy, emotional, caring and huggable are great qualities :-)  

Our first love is one never to be forgotten, and believe it or not she probably misses you too - but, she did the right thing moving on and setting you free. We cannot stay in relationships without the right feelings after all..that would be unkind and living a lie.

You have your whole life ahead of you - and yes there will be other ups and downs, but hey, that's what makes life interesting. Take a step back from yourself and see how much you have grown as a person over the last 2 and a half've learned heaps about relationships - and in time you will heal and move on too.

(By the way - it's the times when we are not looking for someone in our lives that you can guarantee that someone special will come along :-) )

I wish you well.

Sista J.

  •  'Raindrops on roses..'
  •  'Peace of mind will come to us when we are happy with 'not knowing'...
  •  'No more stinkin thinkin...'
  •  'It's not how we survive the storm..But how we Dance in the Rain..'

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 5/31/2008 6:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for all of your support everyone.

I've been doing things daily to raise my own confidence, and I've been trying to broaden my horizons on life as well.

Since I last posted, I started kickboxing class, I've hung out with friends, and I'm celebrating my birthday tonight with my friends too.

There are still a few things that strike me as odd though, about the way I'm feeling. Sometimes, I could care less about my ex. When I think of her, I get mad and end up talking myself through my anger at her, but it feels good to be angry because of the way things went during certain parts of our relationship. Other times though, I get inexplicably sad, and I just want to disappear under a rock. This feeling can last for less than a minute, or days it seems.

I guess my most recent question is: are these feelings normal?

I don't feel sad today like I did at the time I posted last, but I feel.. detached? Almost like I can be with friends and feel excluded at the same time. I haven't heard of things like this, so I figured I'd ask.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 1713
   Posted 5/31/2008 7:12 PM (GMT -6)   

First of all, I am sorry for what you are going through. Going through a breakup like you described is very hard and is kind of like grieving a death. You are not even in love with the girl any more, but you miss the relationship. This is normal!! What you are feeling is normal!! You can't get over the death of a loved one overnight, you won't get over the death of your relationship overnight either. You have to be kind to yourself. By all means go out with friends, keep on showing up to events and living, even though there are sometimes tears and pain. As the days go by, you will feel better and better but its going to take some time. Be gentle and patient with yourself.

If the sadness continues beyond a couple of months, think about entering therapy. Talking it over almost always helps. Sometimes this can be accomplished with friends, but if not, then seek professional help. There's no shame to that.

Good luck Staveandor and I hope this helps!

Gentle Hugs,
PS Welcome to the forum. There are great people here. Very supportive. Join us in the chat rooms as well
Moderator Chronic Pain
Believe in yourself.  Be kind to fellow humans and animals.  Take time to smell the flowers and the coffee.
And by all means, when you are down, ask me for help.  I will be there.

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 6/1/2008 4:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all again for your support. I took the posts and held your words close to my heart last night as I celebrated my "coming of age". Today, I woke up and felt another level of sadness. Since June 1 (today) is technically when I turn 21, it hit me much harder today than yesterday, when I felt sad.

Today I woke up and I just wanted.... someone nearby. It really didn't matter who or why or how, just some comfort. I was able to talk with a friend, and then I remembered my plans for tonight and I moved past it, but as I've been able to cope much easier since I put some of this stuff down on paper (or in text), I figured I'd post this too.

From the little time I've been a part of this community, I already feel like I fit in here, and knowing that people like yourselves, complete strangers, could care so much for someone who you've never met just means so, so much and really restores my faith in people and in life itself.

When I try to look into the future, I don't see anything. At all. But I'm taking this as a sign from *insert deity/spiritual force here* that its finally time to stop stressing over everything, and just live life.

Last night was literally the most fun I've ever had. My best friends and their girlfriends and I went to a nightclub where my uncle works and I got drunk and I danced and had a great time. Normally, I'm very stiff and self conscience and wouldn't even go to a nightclub, but I just went with the flow and did something new, and I had so much fun doing it that I wanted to share it with you all, and kind of show myself that I'm doing things to change my mindset.

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/13/2008 2:53 PM (GMT -6)   

Thank you Shy, and with all you have going on.  I am online now.  I took a nap. 


Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/13/2008 4:29 PM (GMT -6)   
We got em

What a mess!

Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.

I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 6/13/2008 4:54 PM (GMT -6)   

Stave, I just read all the posts and I am truly sorry for what you are going through.  It is very painful to get over a breakup but I know from experience you will do it and you will be fine.  I think the advice others have given you to keep busy is very good.  Trying new things occupies your mind and you never know who you will meet.  I do think it's best if you try to avoid the places that remind you of your ex.  That sets you up for feeling sad. And at your young age I am sure you will find love again.  There are many nice girls out there that I am sure would love to be with you.  You sound like a very kind and gentle person.  Just remember to take things slowly.  It might not be the best time to rush into a new relationship but if you can, go out in groups where there are your friends and maybe some girls to join in.  Get to know some girls in a friendship basis for a while. Grief is the price we pay for love. But having loved it will make you open to finding new love and giving it time your sadness will eventually go away.  Please keep posting and know that all of us in this forum care about you.  Let us know how you are doing.


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