This is going to be a fairly long post, please bear with me. There's a lot to get off of my chest.
I'm a 20 year old male. I was in a relationship for over two-and-a-half years with my ex... the first girl I'd ever been with. She was all of my firsts, from hugs and cuddling straight up through sex.
In early April, she broke up with me. At first, I thought it was no big deal. We'd broken up before, and had been able to work out our problems and got back together. This time was different though; she was living with me. We fought a bit, but it didn't really hit me until she up and moved out while I was at work one day.
I've gone up and down a lot since the break up. I was doing fine until last week. Last week, I started thinking about her a whole lot. I came to realize that I'm not even in love with her anymore, I'm just in love with the idea of her; the idea of having someone around for support when I'm stressed (I really like to be hugged).
I went to a concert, and most of the roads I had to take to get there took me past places we used to go a lot, so I was getting slammed with memories. I almost ended up not having fun at all at the concert. This made it even harder to bear. On top of this, I spend a lot of time alone, since my only roommate works over night shifts and I work during the day.
I started having suicidal thoughts. I had had them before, but that was over a social phobia. Since then, I've gotten over that (mostly), but now I feel as if I'll never find happiness again. This girl made me happier than I'd ever been.. even if in retrospect I'm still not really happy.
I had tried to get her back. I got on AIM and MySpace, and was chatting with her. I found out that she was "talking with someone" as well as me. Well, I came to find out that this meant she was just chatting with another friend she had met around 3 years ago (about when we met), and I took it to mean that she was seeing this person. I have been physically sick. For a time, I would vomit if I thought about her, and I subconsciously starve myself, which is very bad since I'm already a very thin person (fast metabolism).
Well, after I basically begged her to take me back (looking for a familiar comfort), I've calmed down quite a bit. I no longer feel sick when I think about her (most of the time), I don't shake from fear, I don't get sick, and I can eat normally. I don't want to kill myself anymore. I'm joining a kickboxing class with a buddy, and I'm celebrating my 21st this week. I feel... well, what could be called good.
The reason I'm posting here is because today, for no real reason, I've been very sad. I'm an emotional man, and when I feel an emotion, I express it. I've been virtually on the verge of tears all day (even at work), and I can't explain it. I just wanted some advice as to whether I'm moving in the right direction by going out with friends and such.
I still feel guilty for looking at other girls. Is that normal? Am I just paranoid? Should I be doing things "outside my comfort zone" to try to meet new people, or should I just lay low for a while? Any insight is appreciated.