Posted 6/6/2008 7:20 PM (GMT -7)
I just had a good workweek. Not excellent or anything the person without depression would jump for joy over, but it was a nice, normal week. I can't rememberr the last time I could make it through the week without something stressing me out, falling apart, or going to hell on me. My boss was civilized (I finally managed to get a couple things into that thick skull of his that I've been trying to get him to see for months), work was tame, a public hearing went well recieved and quietly, no stress at home ( aside from my fiancee being away on training, but that happens almost every or ever other workweek), had a (nondepresssion related) conversation with my mom that didn't make me want to throw the phone across the room.... It's scary, in a way. I want it to go on, I like feeling "normal" in this sense, but at the same time, I'm having to try to stave the the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's not as severe as it normally would be, usually after this many good days in a row I've worried myself ruddy near to death over what's going to happen when it all comes crashing down. I'm still kind of wondering when it'll all go back downhill again, but now it's more of a curiosity than an all encompassing worry. It's just such a strange sensation, though, to feel, even for a week, like I did back before I had depression. I'm marvelling at it, cherishing it, trying to "grok it in fullness" (Heinlein reference.) As small as it seems, it's a HUGE leap forward for me. I'm almost in shell shock. I can't get this goofy grin off my face when I think about it, not that I'd want to. It's a reason to celebrate, just having a normal week without worrying or fretting over when the other shoe's going to drop. It seems almost that when I cried Monday night (that mad, violent, quick jag where I still can't identify what I wascrying about) something finally etiher made it's way out and went away, or something good snapped into place. Darned if I know what it was, but whatever it is, I hope this normalcy doesn't go away.
"'do you have any hobbies?'
'I used to draw, but that was a while ago. Why?'
'You need hedges.'
'Yes, hedges against the night" - paraphrased from Duma Key, Stephen King
Pitchfork Pact (n)- an agreement between me and my closest friends for either to call at any time if something is badly wrong.
Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?- E. A. Poe
It maybe an insane and meandering road back, but it's my road.
-Depression, allergies, minimal depth perception