I have a different problem than most people. Ever since when I was a child (5yr old), I’ve never had anyone to play with. I have older siblings but most of the time I was left alone to play by myself. After my high school year, I find myself again without any friend. The old loneliness feeling would creeps right back again. I knew then that I would have to prepare for a lonely life ahead so I’ve trained my self not to depend on anyone for my emotional needs.
I have worked for the same company for 25 years and the last 10 years was like in hell. No one at work would have a social contact with me. They will talk to me only if they need to or want something. Everyday for over 10 years, I would eat alone in my office since no one would invite me to sit with them. If I invite myself over, they would make excuses and leave the table immediately. Since the company was downsizing anyway, I’ve decided to volunteer and take their severance package, because I wasn’t really happy and I was fortunate enough to be financially secure for early retirement in my late 40’s. That was over 3 years ago.
Sometimes I feel that because I am from an Asian decent, people are not comfortable to socialize with me. Both of my parents are gone now for over 30 years. My siblings have not spoken to me or corresponded with me for over 5 years. We have never been a close- knit family. The only reason I have not broken down emotionally is because I’ve been preparing for this lonely life of mine, my entire life.
Today, I am sitting alone at home with no one to talk to for at least the last 3 years. I have no friends, no family, no love, no social life, and no one cares. My only fear today is, dying alone in my house and never gets discovered for years. No one really knows or care that I exist.