just hating life right bout now and need advice

dont know where to start really but ive just grown very depressed as of late. ive been like this for  years but have always turned to drugs and alcholol to numb the pain. im trying to get clean but in doing so ive taken away my one safety net that ive always had to help deal with issues. im so closed off from everyone in my life even family and close friends. in doing so ive managed to keep this from everyone but lately people have started to notice my erratic behavior. i have extreme trust issues with eveyone in my life. im not close with my family, the only people i really trust are my 2 friends who ive known for over 10 years but even with them i dont feel like i can talk openly about how im feeling despite wanting to. most realationships ive had have ended on bad terms, mostly because of trust and jealousy issues. which i think stems from my first gf who i was with for around 2 years ended up cheatin on me and that has made it almost impossible for me to trust any since. i want someone to be with despretly yet when i get into a realtionship im so closed off and subconsciously push them away. i had issues growing up with divorced parents, with my dad marring a women who openly hated me yet my dad stayed with her for almost 10 years. growing up like that i just never understood how he could be with someone who hated his kids.