just hating life right bout now and need advice

dont know where to start really but ive just grown very depressed as of late. ive been like this for  years but have always turned to drugs and alcholol to numb the pain. im trying to get clean but in doing so ive taken away my one safety net that ive always had to help deal with issues. im so closed off from everyone in my life even family and close friends. in doing so ive managed to keep this from everyone but lately people have started to notice my erratic behavior. i have extreme trust issues with eveyone in my life. im not close with my family, the only people i really trust are my 2 friends who ive known for over 10 years but even with them i dont feel like i can talk openly about how im feeling despite wanting to. most realationships ive had have ended on bad terms, mostly because of trust and jealousy issues. which i think stems from my first gf who i was with for around 2 years ended up cheatin on me and that has made it almost impossible for me to trust any since. i want someone to be with despretly yet when i get into a realtionship im so closed off and subconsciously push them away. i had issues growing up with divorced parents, with my dad marring a women who openly hated me yet my dad stayed with her for almost 10 years. growing up like that i just never understood how he could be with someone who hated his kids.

First of all, welcome to Healing Well depression forum. I am so happy that you have found us.

I really think that you should take a step back and relax and work on your trust issues before you decide to find another relationship to start.

Your father did what he did because he was in love I guess and he wanted to be happy. I think it is sad though that you had to put up with somebody that caused you to feel like she hated you. That has to be hard to deal with.

Have you or are you seeing a therapist? It sounds like you have a few issues and therapy would really help you. But in the meantime we are here for you so keep posting.

I can understand your trust issues. Sometimes it is just easier not to have friends or see people, but it isn't healthy to push people away because you don't want to feel volnerable. That is my reason. I don't let people get to know me. It is easier that way. But I am learning that relationships are okay. Disagreeing is okay and so is making mistakes. It is human, and people still care even if they mess up. That is just life.

I hope that you can understand what I am trying to say.

hugs, Karen

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  Moderator-Depression