How did I get blamed for a fight I wasn't involved in - really need to vent this one

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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 6/17/2008 6:45 PM (GMT -6)   
My son had a big fight today with his fiance and who do you think got the blame -  me, of course.  What did I have to do with this fight?  He came to my house for lunch and sat in the driveway on the phone. So I knew he must have been talking to her.  He comes in after half an hour and said he had a huge fight with her.  She was upset because she was having trouble with his laptop.  She had a paper due today by email for her masters program and she knew about it 2 weeks ago. So when is the smart time to start working on it - today of course. But she couldn't get the computer to work so he was trying to talk her thru it which he finally did but before that she had a big hissy fit and told him it was a dumb computer and he should get a new one. ( it is new). Then he asked me how I was and I said OK and he said just OK? and I said yes.  He then asked what was wrong and I explained that sometimes he is really abrupt and rude to me. Yesterday at lunch he was very abrupt and I could tell he was in a bad mood so I disappeared to my computer.  He says he is so stressed and how he feels responsible for everyone elses problems and needs to see quick results to get a problem solved. I told him it often takes time to resolve problems that they just don't go away over night.  He and his brother have been distancing themselves from me and I told him I feel like I am losing my family.  He got really mad and tells me I repeat myself and ask him the same things and he gets angry. Then he says he feels guilty because I tell him some of these things.  Well, he asked me so I told him.  He takes on everyone else's problems and complains of all the stress he has.  He sees a therapist but I don't see that it is doing any good because he hasn't learned to cope with this stress.  The therapist told him not to take on these problems but he says he feels responsible.  My son and his fiance seem to always be fighting.  I don't think most couples who are planning to marry and can't live without each other should fight so much.  What kind of a marriage is this going to be. I did see my therapist today and she was helpful but I still feel really bad and very lonely.  I see that I am rambling on again so I will stop, but I just needed to get this out.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42499
   Posted 6/17/2008 7:27 PM (GMT -6)   

I am glad that you came here to vent. You needed that. You can't keep things inside all of the time and here you can get some unbias oppinions from others.

Do you think it is just all of the stress that is getting to your son? It sounds like it to me. He might be abrupt with his fiance also and maybe that is where the arguements are coming from. I know that he is working on stress issues with therapy. But sometimes that takes a while to get through and that could be what is going on right now.

I know that you are concerned about him, but maybe you should work on your issues about feeling like you are losing the family. Maybe it is just some changes going on. Families may seem to grow apart, but I don't think that they ever really do. There are too many memories going on there.

I wouldn't worry too much, it just sounds like he is under a lot of stress right now and he has to worry not to take on other peoples problems also. I think this is just a learning process all the way around. So just be patient and you will get your son back.

I hope that this helps a litlle.
Hugs, Karen...
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 6/17/2008 8:22 PM (GMT -6)   

Thanks for your reply, Karen, I think for now the best thing for me to do is not be at home when he comes over for lunch.  I think if I distance myself from him a little he may not dump his problems on me so much.  I know he truly cares about me in fact on Fathers day he wished me a happy Fathers day as he said I had always been both parents to him and his brother which is true. He does have a Father who lives near us but he has a second family so doesn't pay much attention to our sons.  I am just going thru a hard time right now and as hard as I try I know that my worries show on my face and so he can tell when I am not myself.  I am not one who can put on a smile and pretend that every thing is OK.  Now I have to take his fiance to the botanic gardens here next Monday and have lunch with her.  It is hard to do when I know that she has caused him problems and acted like a spoiled brat.  She is leaving in 2 weeks to do an internship in China so he won't even be able to talk to her.  Only email I think.  So he is going to want to cry on my shoulder about how much he misses her.  I just wish he would stop and remember all the things I have done for him.  I gave him almost 100,000 frequent flyer miles so he could visit her when she was at school this past year. Maybe it is time I let him do a little swimming for himself.


Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/18/2008 6:27 PM (GMT -6)   

Dear Aurora,

This may sound strange to you but my yongest son lives onlly 20 miles from us and he has a 4 her old youngest grandchild. I learned along time ago that no way would I ever tick off my daughter-in-law.  She is a good daughter-in-law but not the kind to want to hang out with her Mother-in-law. I want to keep peace in the family always so I accept her the way she is and know my son loves her dearly.

They say your daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life but your son is you son until he takes a wife.  Whoever thought up that one was a wise person.

I know when I am going through a tough time unless it is a matter of life and death not to call my son to come and sit with me.  I use my other coping mechanisms.

I am so sorry your having a bad time.

Gentle Hugs


Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~* *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 6/18/2008 10:00 PM (GMT -6)   

Kitt, I know you are right and I try to stay out of things but my son seems to drag me into the problem because he wants advice or to blow off steam.  I am going to try hard to distance myself from their problems.  It is hard because my 2 sons are my only family,  And my son wants me to get to know his fiance better before they get married.  I guess the best I can do is just listen and ony comment if asked.  Thanks for your input.


Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 6/19/2008 2:19 AM (GMT -6)   


You sound so well grounded and very patient with your son. The problem his fiance had with her paper is hers. As you said, the day before its due is not the time to start... thats the time to proof-read! I know your son is stressed at the moment and I think you are doing absolutely the right thing by being honest with him without being overly critical. Your cutting him some slack and I think thats a good idea. His therapist really needs to work on getting him to let go of other peoples problems though... It will drive him insane otherwise. IMO they shouldnt be getting married if they cant live together without fighting like cat and dog. I know every couple has arguments... its healthy, but not all the time!


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