Is my boyfriend actually depressed?

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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 7/15/2008 10:54 AM (GMT -6)   
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 and 1/2 years, we've lived together for 3. When we moved in together, I didn't know that he had suffered from severe depression in the past, so bad that he attempted suicide and had to be committed. Well, that was ten years ago. However, 2 years ago things weren't going so well for him. Right before we met, he had been casually dating a woman who got pregnant on purpose in order to get him to marry her and he now has a child he never wanted. This has been a source of anger for him for 4 years. In addition to that, he wasn't happy with his job and he and I were fighting because we had different views on how people living together should share finances and household responsibilities. To make himself feel better about all this, he began going to online dating sites, meeting women, and having sexual relationships with them. I found out about it a year and a half ago, and threatened to leave. He begged me not to, promised to get help and told me he was doing so. However, last week I found out that he had been having a relationship with another woman that just ended last month when she found out about me, threatened to tell me about them, and he slapped a restraining order on her. Now I've pretty much had it and I'm in the process of moving out, but he and his mother are begging me to go with him to therapy and please try to understand that he truly loves me but his mental illness makes him do these things. I think he seems more like a sex addict than someone suffering from depression but he swears that's not it. What do you think?

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 7/15/2008 11:15 AM (GMT -6)   
Sex addiction can be a mental problem. But I wouldn't let him throw a pity party to keep you around after all that you have been through with him. Though this is your decision. It would be hard for me to trust somebody like him. He could have gotten an std and given it to you. So he is being very selfish.

It is totally up to you whether you want to go to therapy with him. It sounds like you love him, but this cheating is not something I easily forgive. For your own safety, use condoms when having sex with him.

Remember he has risked your life with these selfish endeavors.

Just my two cents worth.

Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 7/15/2008 12:14 PM (GMT -6)   
I have to say I agree with Karen. Though someone with depression could use sex as an emotional outlet, I would still feel that being he is in a relationship with you, that is still no excuse. But then I'm not very forgiving when it comes to cheating partners either, especially if they're seeking out other partners on the internet, not just the "we were drunk and it just happened" kind of cheating, you know? I would say if you're going to go to any sort of appointment with him it should be one to get tested for STDs, and let him figure out his issues on his own.

Female, 23, Ulcerative colitis (pancolitis) since 1999; GERD; gastritis; osteopenia in femur head & lumbar region of the spine from long term prednisone use. 

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Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 7/15/2008 12:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sungyul,

Maybe your friend is addicted to sex because he is depressed, and having sex is one of the few things that give him joy. I am just guessing, but if so, it is makes sense (in his case) to have as much sex as possible. However, he is hurting you with this, and he knows it. I agree with Karen that his behaviour put you in risk, and he needs to take responsibilty for it.

It is entirely up to you what you are going to do with your relationship. But whatever the outcome might be, please think about the choice. Are you still in love? And please try not to let others (like his mom) be an influence to that. It is your life, no matter how hard he might need you. In my opinion, he screwed up, and you already gave him plenty of chances to change. It's enough when it's enough, and once you feel the time is there to say goodbye, don't hesitate. Else you might spend youre whole life taking care of him (although you might actually feel good about that).

Make a solid decision, and don't feel bad of whatever choice you will make.

I wish you all the best,
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)

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