Hi guys! Thanks again for the words of encouragement, it is so much appreciated. Well today seems to have been a good day for us. We talked alot and she made many realisations and seems to be figuring alot out for herself, yet she still feels empty as she says inside. She says she knows I love her and she knows I am always there for her, yet still says she cant remember how to be herself anymore and doesnt remember how it is to feel love for someone. She always says she is sorry and I keep telling her that what she feels and what has happened to her isnt her fault. She carries so much guilt and pain inside her and blames herself for way too much and no matter how much I say its not her fault....she still doesnt accept it. I have no intention what so ever of abandonning her or walking away, my love for her is far too strong to allow me to do that. And I do try to escape things for awhile, yet my thoughts no matter what I do are consumed by her. She really is a fantastic woman and is so special to this world and I remind her everyday of that, but still....she just cant seem to accept that. Im mortified by the fact that everyone, and I mean everyone tells her its in her head or that she is being silly. Its to the point where I find myself angry at certain people in her life...including her parents. I cant believe they dont and havent seen the pain she is in. She tells me she has to be selfish right now for herself and I encourage this because in the end right now is all about her and her well being, I just struggle sometimes with the fact she pushes me away one day, and hold me so close the next. I admit its confusing at times and has been an emotional strain on me, but the more I realise and read from this site, the more I understand its a normal stage in what she is suffering through. I am just so afraid for her at times, if she recieves another kick to the stomach so to say...I dont know what else more she can handle especially being so fragile. I know my love for her cant save her or fix her, I am aware though that I can be whatever it is she needs me to be right now and I have committed my entire being to be just that. Everybody uses and takes advantage of this poor woman and I mean everybody. She doesnt trust anybody anymore so she says, but she is too trusting of people. She says she trusts me and I feel she does, but also says that something always flashes in her head about her past and its me who feels the effects from it. I know actions speak louder than words and all I can do is be who I have always been to her and let her find the answers for herself. I told her last night, I cant force her to love me, I cant force her to trust me and I cant force her to be with me, all I can do is stay who I am. LAter that night she told me I am the only person she can talk to about anything, she says if this depression wasnt happening, that we would probably living together now etc etc she then says if she didnt mess up everything would have been perfect between her and I, I cut her off and said stop. I wont let her blame herself for the trouble and ups and downs we have been through. I know its not her fault, and I try to convince her of that aswell, and assure her its just the illness. I told her that she can feel better again and she has every right to be happy in life too. I told her what happened between us is such a small thing that it didnt effect me at all, I then took her hand and put it on my face and said that I am still here beside her and I am not going anywhere. She smiled and said she wanted so much to say what she feels about me and tell me she loves me, but she just cant right now. This has to be a positive I would guess. I told her not to stress for this right now and said the improtant thing at this moment is her and her alone, I told her not to stress about "us" because we have all the time in the world. I just hope what I am saying and doing in terms of her is healthy for her and the depression and if I am doing something wrong I really need to know. I in no way at all want to contribute to this illness at all, I just want her happiness and health. Thanks again all of you. Just venting this all out is like my own personal self help and its so much appreciated having a voice in here and recieving feedback.