Dearest Karen and Rachel, Blessings to you for talking to me, and I do appreciate your prayers. You have made me feel so loved right now. I really need you all to "hang in"there with me, because friends and relations just do not understand. I have had 5 sons and my second son is right now on his way to Zambia with his wife and 4 children to teach the nationals how to dairy farm. They will be there about
2 years. My eldest son Richard is a nurse in the big gold mine in Kalgoorlie Australia, Bernard 3rd son is in New Zealand and is married to a Philipino and has 2 beautiful children. Hamish 4th son is managing a factory in NZ and Stephen No. 5 is looking after the farm that Anthony has left to go to Zambia. I lost my husband 8 years ago and married again after 2 years. Sadly that man also told me he was a christian but after we got married the truth came out and he said his heart was not in it and so we parted. I lost my home and a lot of money. Hence I am working and now cannot afford a home but Richard said he would buy me one and I can rent from him but that will not be for a long time. My spiritual life has sadly become eroded and I am not the person I used to be. Battling with anxiety and depression leaves me ( or all of us) somewhat bereft of feeling, conscience, and I need your loving arms around me just now. It is so good to be able to sit here and pour it all out and know that there are people who care and understand, we are all the same, and need each other and can help each other, even though we have different lives and fears. My family are all good but worldly people and so are my working friends. They all say, go to it, life is short, do what ever!!! I have erred with that man and
and now feel even worse. My mind changes about
50 times a day and there is just no peace. Do you really think I would be better on the mission station where I am surrounded by loving christian people in a safe environment where I cannot fall prey to the world and all it has to offer? I do not want to live like this anymore, but the moment I say to myself I shall go to the mission I have panic attacks. I care for very elderly folk in their homes and love it, but even that reminds me daily of the fact that is where I will one day be and what is done NOW is so important. I go shopping and buy things that I shall never use, at that moment it feels right but when I get home I change my mind.
Karen may I say you are doing a great job with your son and the Lord knows your heart. I am so pleased that you feel good and I will pray that you will know real joy in your life. Thankyou for sharing with me, and Rachel you are so fortunate to have a loving husband and son and family, but that does not change the fact that you are battling with depression and anxiety. Of all the things we can have go wrong I think this is the hardest to deal with. I look so forward to hearing from you all again and anyone else that cares to answer this, it is heartening to know that I am not alone. Thankyou, blessings and love. Amani.