Posted 7/30/2008 8:42 PM (GMT -6)
I've been suffering from depression for as long as I can really remember. I was physically abused as a child, from the ages of 4-10, roughly, and always thought it was normal. I never knew how damaging it was until i recently started talking about it in my weekly therapy sessions. I harbor so much anger and resentment, and have just always felt so out of place and alone. From the ages of 13-20 i experimented with drugs, started off heavy with hallucinogens. I guess i was trying to find another meaning for life. I also struggled with addictions with opiates and cocaine, and that just made things a whole lot worse. But I didn't realize it at the time. I was also put into see a psychiatrist at the whim of my school. they called me "a threat to myself and my community", obviously that did not help my already deflated self esteem. I was then put on so many different medications, and diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, depression, anxiety, OCD.
For the last 6 months my depression had been unbearable. The slightest things can just set me off onto this unbelievable tirade against myself "you're worthless, you're nothing, you're a loser, you're better off dead." The biggest factor of my depression is the feeling of complete isolation. I'd love to be able to go out and interact with people, but I've completely alienated myself, to my family, coworkers, friends, and strangers. I could be in a room full of people, and still feel so alone. I've been having a lot of suicidal ideation, it is nothing I'd ever act on, but it is there and frankly, it scares the hell out of me. Today has been the worst of it, so that's why i searched out this board. I know that i will see my therapist in 2 days, but i know it could also be very beneficial to talk with other people dealing with what I'm going through. I just want to subside this dark menace that seems to loom over me, and is ready to kick me when I'm down. Usually when i get to this really low place, i get these really disturbing thoughts and images pop into my head. ones of violence and and death, of myself, or me inflicting it on others. I am glad that when i have these thoughts that it upsets me, since it shows that things like that popping into my head are not natural.
Anyway, I just wanted to let that out. It feels a little relieving to be able to let some of that stuff out to other people, especially anonymously, since i fear ridicule.