first time doing this

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beneath the madness
New Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 8/2/2008 8:35 AM (GMT -6)   
 Not sure if my problelm is something big or me just being petty, but I feel like I need some outsiders advice, people who are not bias to either me or my boyfriend. I started seeing my boyfriend about a year and a half ago. When we first met he was depressed and would shelter himself with drinking and smoking marijuana.  The relationship was rocky at the begining, mainly because we did more partying than anything else.  But as time went on we both decided to stop drinking and just stuck with the marijuana ( I started smoking again when we got together).  After about 10 months he moved in with me.  During our relationship he was in and out of jobs or collecting unemployment.  I didn't have an issue with this because I could handle the bills on my own and with his unemployment that just was extra cash in our pockets.  I had a great job and many friends and was very happy with my life.  Sometime around February we decided to move to another state so that he could be closer to his mom.  I put in a transfer with my job and at the begining of June we moved to the new city (and quit smoking marijuana).  Our apartment is only a few miles away from his moms house and at first it was fantastic.  His mom and I got along great and within our first week of moving to the new city his sister came to visit with her autistic son.  His sister and I hit it off imediately, and her autistic son was totally in love with me.  I thought all was going great with the family relations.  As for my job transfer, the new location wasn't what I expected and was stressing about going to work, it got to the point that I just had to leave.  My boyfriend was very upset that I quit my job since he was still unemployed.   So during all this "no job having" time we spent a fair amount of time over at his moms.  One day while at the pool his sister mentioned to him how much the family really liked me and hopes that he keeps me around. I took this as a huge compliment considering his family hasn't liked any of the past girls in his life.  I thought that he would be thrilled but thats when things started going south.  Pretty soon I couldn't do anything right.  If I told him something, he would automatically say I was wrong, but if his mom said it the same way, she was right.  Then as time went on and the stress grew more, he would start to record our arguments and call his mom and either let her listen or he would tell her how awful I was being.  It put a huge strain on my relationship with his mom.  So now I have that to deal with and on top of it all, my boyfriend was lucky enough to find this fantastic job making really good money, but I'm still struggling to find a job.  It has really torn us apart because I go into this moods that anything and everything will set me off and then we start yelling at each other.  Its gotten to the point that I'm not sure if I should go back to my hometown or not.  I know that I'm a little depressed because I haven't been as lucky finding a job and I have to deal with the competition with his mom, and I think I'm a little jealous that his life is going so well.  In our hometown I took care of all his needs and now I feel like I have no use anymore. 
Anybody out there have any suggestions how I can get myself back to the happy go lucky person I was and how to fix my relationship before its too late? 

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 8/2/2008 9:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Beneath,
First of all, welcome to HealingWell.  I am so happy that you came to us.  You will find that the members here are wonderful, and we all understand what you are going through.
Now, take a deep breath and relax.  I am sure that this is going to work out for you.  Try to take life one day at a time, and I am sure that you will find a job.
To me your bf recording your arguement is a llittle immature on his part.  Why would he want to show your mom what was said.  Comparing you to her is not a good thing.  Everybody is different.  And I hope that he isn't making you feel like the bad guy.  You may want to rethink this relationship.  Though this could be due to his depression, I think that it was a bad thing for him to do. 
I know that you want to make this work.  So all I can say is go slow with this and see what comes of it.  Do you and his mom still get along well?  It sounds like you fit in really well with the family. 
Try not to read too much into it, but if he continues to act this way, you may want to seperate yourself.  You don't deserve to be treated like that and subjecting yourself to this treatment could lower your self esteem. 
For the moment take it with a grain of salt, but if it continues, I would have a talk with him.  I imagine that the only reason that he did this was to make you look like the bad guy in her eyes, obviously she thinks a lot of you. 
I hope that this helped some, keep posting and let us know what is going on. 
Remember that you are a wonderful person and don't put up with this if it continues.
Good luck on finding that job.  You deserve the best.
hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 8/2/2008 12:36 PM (GMT -6)   

Hey Beneath,

To be honest I'd find it unacceptable if my boyfriend was bringing a 3rd person in to our arguements, an arguement is between 2 people.  One time we were out with his friends and he asked them what they thought about something relating to an argement we'd had an I even foud that unacceptable. I think you need to sit down and have a talk with him about this, because if thats how people he bahaved with him in the past he might think its normal behaviour!

I think your probably stressed aswell about your job situation, try not to let it get to you too much, give yourself a chance! Something will come up for you soon!

"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"

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