Good Morning...........your post was very dark and disturbing to me. I feel you truly need to seek profesional help.
Please call one of these numbers, calll you physician or if you need to call 911 but if your writing reflects your feelings, I fear for you and I am not a professional.............so keep these numbers and call.
The US Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433
NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632
Suicide Prevention Services Crisis Hotline 800-784-2433
Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline 630-482-9696
Crisis Help Line | For Any Kind of Crisis 800-233-4357
Suicide & Depression Hotline | Covenant House 800-999-9999
Online Hotline Resources
We are here to support you but I truly believe you need a professional at this point. Keep posting as we will be right here.
My prayers for you.