I know this is'nt the Bipolar forum but i'm so depressed and since writting the post previous I have decided to write my story and put down in this post the things I wish i could say to my ExPartner who suffers from Bipolar, the things I wish I could have changed and how I wish i could have been a better man...
My story started in Jan 2007, i was a young 25yr old in the Army with two children having just come out of a messy marriage and completely lost in the world. I had lost all hope and was sitting in my room on camp with nothing to my name other than two bin bags and memories. The guy in the next room came in just as I was sat there ready to attempt suicide. He dragged me out to a local quiet pub and spent the time listening and picking me up. He asked if he could borrow my mobile as I got up to use the toilet. On my return he threw back my mobile and said ''there you go sorted''. The next minute I got a text from XXX, he had set us up and it started. The next day he made an excuse to go where she worked on camp with me in tow. He showed me a picture of her on the staff wall and I could'nt believe my eyes (I won't repeat on here what I said
) The next moment XXX walked around the corner and for the first time our eyes caught sight of eachother. She was the most stunning woman I had ever met. We spoke about
two akward sentences and I skipped away having arranged our first date for that evening. I will never forget her walk, what she was wearing or how i felt seeing her walking down that road towards me where we had arranged to meet, she was my idealwoman that I had pictured since being a young boy. The date went perfectly and I finally managed to ease to difficulty by texting her across the pool table as we played the evening away. Stupid I know but it eased us and it began... Since that night we never spent an evening apart, living everyminute learning all about
eachother and falling deeper and deeper into the fantastic love we were creating. I never believed in love at first sight but i do now! It was a fairytale and proof that dreams do come true. I moved in with her and her parents getting back on my own two feet and she taught me how to be me again for the first time in 7yrs. I have brilliant memories of sitting her in a puddle walking home one day
getting home soaked and her mum shouting at us both over our laughter. I remember the days spent out with my children the fun and the way she helped me get them back in my life. The holiday to skegness and being completely alone on the beach collecting shells together ''Good find baby''. I remember the time I proposed to her in a nite club when the dj stopped the music and I wound her up (God I was in trouble the next morning). I remember the love and nothing being beyond our reach. She taught me so much and how i'd never found love before that moment and that being me was something. She was my angel sent from heaven.
In Aug 2007 we started looking for our own place, thats when it started. She started displaying severe mood swings and started being distant. Was it a good idea moving, one moment it was all she wanted the next I worried I was pushing her. Things evened out and we found a place. Moved in in Sept 2007... kitting our own place out was brilliant we had made it ready to live our dream thinking of marriage about 2yrs down the line and possibility of having our own children. She was happy and I was living a dream. After living on our own for a month or so she started going out more and more with her friends and I started worrying about her need for drink. driving her to work drunk and depression eatting her away. Her family were brilliant and helped me guide her to get help and keep her safe. She kept falling deeper and before she managed to get help she had drunk all our savings and spent most of her time out till god knows when in the morning. She started getting fed up with my worry and concern and moved into the spare room ending our relationship. The following weeks included attempts on her life and watching her loosing weight and all respect for herself. Things got worse and worse untill one night I confronted her wanting answers of what she had been up to.... She had a breakdown. One thing led to another and the day came in Nov 2007 that we had to get her to a crisis unit. I will never forget the pain of leaving a loved one in a hospital like that, god I was scared to death walking in seeing others suffering and not being able to keep her safe. She got the help she needed so badly the satff were brilliant and got the dx of Bipolar with phycosis. I went there everyday and did all i could. I was the best man I could be for her. I acted as the friend she asked of me, got as involved as I could on ward rounds and quizzed the staff for as much knowledge as I could.
I realised that her fellow suffers that she spent her days with were the best group of people I had ever met. I realised that the despite all that life had thrown their way they dealt with it and fought on. I met some good people and started to get hope back. She came home for a couple of trials throughout her crisis but everytime the medication was just not right and despite her trying all her best her medication was failing her. We had got our relationship back on track around christmas time the future was looking good again ( we got her out for the day and spent christmas together)... It was short lived in Mar 2008 she called off the relationship again and told me her decision to fight for supported housing and to go it alone. I understood why she needed to do it alone and stepped back. In April she was discharged and went into supported lodgings whilst the council got her sorted. She turned to me again and we started spending some brilliant evenings catching up and restoring a friendship. Not long after speaking with her support worker she told me that she had broken up with me because she did'nt want to hurt me anymore and that she really did love me. Life was great we were back on track. She moved in with her parents again while she did what she needed to do and plans were put in place for her to return home with me once she had sorted her battle. We went on holiday and I tried to get used to dealing with the highs and lows. I wanted it to work more than anything.
The past month or so has been hard, in her words... '' I can't seperate her from her illness'' ''I can't understand she can have a bad day without it being Bp'' ''I don't treat her normally''. She has just gone onto Lithium after god knows how many medication cocktails from the Dr. She started self medicating on drink because she wanted to feel normal like eveyone else. It's been so hard to know what the right thing to is. She recently told me she can't remember how to love and that she does'nt know how to have a relationship. I smelt the drink on her. She has been spending more and more time with her friends. Canceling nights we planned... I went to bed at 4 in the afternoon the other day i just could'nt cope and when I text her nite nite we ended talking and I broke down, I could'nt hide it and told her I was having nasty thoughts. It upset her and her friends had to be there to help as she howled. The other night was like reliving the day she went into hospital. I told her parents that she is drinking and all hell broke loose. Yesterday she ended our relationship again, this time for good. We had an evening watching a dvd together last night to try and start the friendship she hoped for. I broke down, I feel so alone and stupid. I pushed away all my friends when she got out of hospital to try so hard and be the best man I could for her. Now i'm alone have no one to talk to other than her. She is there for me but I don't want to hurt her anymore. I messed it all up and just wish i could tell her.
I wish I could tell her that it's taken till now for me to realise that the woman I love is still there. I failed her by always thinking it was my fault and blaming myself. It is so hard to treat your Bp Partner the way you need to. Its not true that a suffer should never marry, never know love, never know physical intimacy, never have children, a sufferer won't disappoint them or emotionally wound them if they are understanding like they should be. She always asked me to treat her normally and it's the biggest way in which i failed her. As a partner I should have learn't it's easy to push the closest person to you away because you know they will be there for you. It may seem like a childish game, the best thing I could have done would have been to back off and let her come to me. Eventually she would have come back from the low and seen I was there. I know I have blown it this time I can’t even begin to explain the arguments we would have at times and if I tried to defend myself it would only get worse. I was constantly in tears and it seemed all she wanted was to break me down lower and lower. Coldness towards me was confussing and so hurtful. But looking back it was me not dealing with it the way I should have. I should have listened and taken one day at a time. Treated eachday differently and never let anything carry onto the next. I used to moan about her being with her friends and instead i should have given her space. I should'nt have wrapped her in cotton wool and instead given her time alone. If I could turn back time I would have been me instead of trying to be a rock. She never meant to hurt me I was selfish. I have more respect for her than anyone I have ever met. It takes a very special person to live with Bp and it takes a very understanding person to be their partner. I was'nt that person in time. I'd do anything to have a second chance. I don't care about marriage, children or even living together. I care about the person and not the illness. I wish i'd been a better man!
I do'nt want people to feel sorry for me, I just hope someone learns by it and manages to support their partner a bit better because of it. Don't listen to people who say it's not worth fighting for believe me it's not worth loosing, your loved on is there you'll see them in time! Be strong and understanding but nothing but yourself, fate brought you together for a reason. work together and love will win!
I wish I had the courage to say to my love.... I can see the pain living in your eyes and how hard you have to try, I will never criticize all that you did for me and how my heart will always be with you. Loosing you is so painfull but I won't stand in your way. I understand if this is what you have to do, I won't hold you back. Good luck. Saying goodbye isn't saying it's the end, I want you to know through it all i'm still here for you. If you ever realsie i've learnt how to be me find me because I Love You x