I just got up after my night shift at work, it was a really tough night. I had some bad news about
my dream job transfer being out of my reach now and all my courses regarding it being cancelled due to a recent dx of mine. It was going to be a fresh start for me and was part of me trying to seperate my personal life and work life more. I was looking at moving Army camps and starting fresh in a new place with new people and specialising in a new field. Just feels like another wall has been built in my way now of getting through all this.
I managed to text my ex and let her know I am still there if she ever needs or wants my support, she replied that she was ok and thanked me anyway. Im just pleased she now knows im still caring. Just that she knows she is never alone is enough to keep me plodding on for another day. I miss her so much and just wish she would ask for me. She is getting her help from her support network today, im not expecting to hear how it goes but just to know she is'nt alone like me makes it a bit easier for me just now.
When i walked into work last night two of my colleagues asked after her, all i could say was that she was doing well; I did'nt know what else to say. I was working with one of them last night who knows of my ex and her condition and my struggles in the past. We had been standing there for about
ten minutes when she just looked at me and said ''What are you doing in tonight?''. I did'nt have to say anything she just knew. She looked at me again and said she had an idea what might be going on and that she knew I would never be able to give up and that It was time I looked after myself before getting stuck back in for round two. Sounds familiar hey lol. I really am going to do that I know I need to. I am starting to slow down and try and take one day at a time.
Im gutted that my ex did'nt want my shoulder to lean on when I offerered it last night i'll be honest but I had to offer. Im gutted my dream of this job has been swept away from me, partly a revenge on the militarys behalf for my dx I suspect. Im going to be booking a doctors appointment as soo as I can however the rest of the forces are on leave at the moment so it is going to be some 3-4 weeks till I have medical cover. Im considering if the time is right sometime in that inbetween period writting to my ex and letting her know all of this and my feelings and asking if she would come with me to the doctor. one to help me with my dx which i still have not been able to tell her but more importantly to help me face the depression and get the help i need. I know she would give me the courage to speak up and tell it all. One of my concerns is that I am Armed Response and I know they are going to take my weapon off me and then I won't have work to take my mind off all this. I need to see how the next week or two pans out and if it is right for me to tell my partner and if it is right to drag her through my own problems.
God this can be tough if i hide I only hurt myself.
Sorry and Thank you your words really do help everyone x
Treat people as if they were what they ought to be
and you help them to become what they are capable of being
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