Frustrated with Depressed Spouse

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 144
   Posted 8/11/2008 7:19 PM (GMT -6)   
OK guys I need some advise. I am so frustrated!!! DH is getting better--for that I am grateful. But he is well enough to play games. This is exhausting me no end.
As of the end of April he was downsized. For the last few months he has been looking for a new job, but no luck. I am thinking he is sabotaging the interviews. He seems to do a job hunt one week then take off three weeks. The job he interviewed for over the last two weeks seemed like a great opportunity. The second interview was on Friday. He waits til Sunday to do the thank you. Not a big deal since the interview ended at 5 on Friday. He had me write the thank you. I was out of town. I wrote it and emailed it to him. It had to be cut and pasted into a new emial. When I came home today he told me he he sent a hard copy and email. When I checked the email the font, size, and spacing were all off. Periods were missing. It was so messed up. He said it looked good to him. This man is a college educated executive, he had to realize it was not right. I am furious. What should I do?? I ws not to worried about the email, emails sometimes dont come out right, but the hard copy???
I am so sick of cleaning the house, sending out resumes, cooking, shopping, and working to support our family. My teens are doing more than he is to support us financially and with work around the house.
On Sat he saw his psych--I no longer am invited. I asked for him to discuss a med adjustment---but he did not do it. He is back to the games he played before the big fall. I can not do another big fall. I am exhausted.
Why did I come back?? I know why it is because I would be obligated to pay him alimony if he was sick and unemployed. To support two households and take care of the kids I could not do it. I barely can make ends meet as it is. If the kids were not helping, I could not do it. This was the cheapest way to go.
I am very tired. Last week the kids needed alot, I could not do my work, so I ended up working all weekend practically all night long Sat night and til Midnight last night. I feel stressed. Tonight I will sleep. Things may look better after that.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42501
   Posted 8/11/2008 7:31 PM (GMT -6)   
How do you figure that you would have to pay alimony if you split up? If you have the kids you should get child support from him. You can't help it that he isn't well. He would have to find work. Wouldn't he have to sue you anyway to get alimony? Or do I not know what I am talking about? I am not up on the law actually. But I cannot see you owing him any money as long as you have the children. Unless he is that devious to persue it.

I can see where you would think that he might be sabotashing the interviews. I hope that he isn't. But it kind of looks that way. I wish I had a solution for you. But I don't. All I can say is to take it one day at a time and know that you are doing that very best that you can. I had posted in another thread to you that I was happy that things were going well. I had thought that it sounded like they were then, it does sound like they are better than they once were.

I hope that he finds a job and that things work out for you. You have tried so hard for such a long time. You deserve a break.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/11/2008 7:55 PM (GMT -6)   

Good Evening Wife,

Do you feell like this roll ? I am sorry you are still carrying the whole load.

Is your husband on unemployment insurance or not?  I have seen people find it more fun to play out the undemployment game by sabotaging their interviews.

It would seem he would know better then to send a messed up  thank you for the job interview.

I know a a dependent spouse is eligible to receive postseparation support and/or alimony in this some states. A definition of  a dependent spouse is  "a spouse, whether husband or wife, who is actually substantially dependent upon the other spouse for his or her maintenance and support."

I see your cannot afford to pay for 2 households.  If he cannot work due to his depression he would have to file forms for  disability......................does he have disability insurance from where he work?

Please know I feel for you and do get some sleep tonight.  I will say a little pray that things are better tomorrow.

Gentle Hugs


Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
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Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 205
   Posted 8/11/2008 9:14 PM (GMT -6)   

Hang in there....I do not know what state you live in but I don't think with the facts you would have to pay what you think you would....Maybe for a bit you might have to pay some, however I am inclined to believe that the state would look at the whole picture.

With that being said......IF you had to pay something (notice the caps) put a price on what you have put up with and how much more you may put up with if he doesn't get all the help he needs. Which is more pricey? I would venture to say that staying would be more pricey.......Since I am in the same boat and I am making the same decisions I can only assume.....but. I know I too feel right now like this is it....I can't do it. Will I give it a bit more time, of course, however the end is near with no visible attempt at help. I want off the rollarcoaster and there is one of two ways........DH getting help or divorce. Neither real pretty........but again in the long run which is more pricey?

Please think about you and your kids..........nothing is to much when it comes to the kids, and your sanity. Tough to say....tougher to adhere to!!

Hang in there........Love to you and your kids......Jenn

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 144
   Posted 8/14/2008 5:56 PM (GMT -6)   
The information about paying alimony came from a local divorce attorney. As my husbands depression worsened with no let up in sight my therapist recommended that I go to an attorney and learn what my options were. The therapist had no idea how absolutely depressed I would be after spending $300 to learn that I would be financially devastated if I attempted to divorce my severely depressed husband if he lost his job. The atty told me if I was going to leave to do so immediately before he lost his job, and even then the financial picture was bleak. The reason was that a depressed person typically does not do what the court orders which means the divorce takes longer and I incur atty fees every time he fails to do something. This is very true as I have a friend whose husband is just plain mean he has refused to supply documents and has argued every point--even though he is the one who left for another woman--costing my friend $38000 in legal fees thus far and they are no where near a settlement due to his delay tactics.
So I decieded to to stay. Our kids are almost ready for college. I want to invest what we do have on them not the spouse.In a few years they will be on their own and I can make a decision at that point about what is best for me and not them.
No my husband is not receiving unemployement--he is still on a severance package. We did not think you could file for unemployment while getting severance, but we have learned that in some states you can collect both. In any event in three weeks he has not gone to the unemployement office to file.
We ARE to hear about the interview with the horribly fonted letter on Monday. I am praying really hard.
I also decided to pray that for my marriage, something I have failed to do.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/15/2008 6:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Lynne

I am so sorry that things have not gotten better. I don't understand this man at all.
And you have taken on the role of mother with him,I think he is expecting it and that is not fair.

Why are you doing all of the shopping and cleaning if he is at home all day?
I think that at some point you are going to have to put your foot down and if he wants to act like a child,then you are going to assign chores to him that have to be done each day.

What a mess,I feel for you and wish he would get his act together.

Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.

I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

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