Real long story short..
I have struggled with depression since my freshman year in college (about 5 years ago). Bounced between most of the SSRIs, after awhile stopped seeming to help. This continued until about a year ago when I saw another doctor who thought I had mild bipolar disorder (I have always also had problems with anger and the like). But it's been maybe 10 months since going on medicine for that, and I'm back to square one.
I have felt like crap for a long time, and I've been hesitant to tell basically everyone because I know how much it hurts them to see me like this and hear how I actually feel. I haven't been honest with my parents, and not even with my psychologist because I just don't want to trouble people. I know that this is probably the wrong mindset, but my parents have been so supportive and patient with me but I feel like they are at wits end.
I don't know why it's so bad lately, but it probably has something to do with the fact I was going to go to law school. I knew I didn't truly want to, because I don't want to be a lawyer, but again I was too afraid to tell anyone because I was scared they would be more disappointed in me than they already probably are. That's not to say that anyone pushed me into going, I just didn't push back myself. While I really wasn't interested in law, I knew that getting back in a routine everyday might be helpful.
Well, I had a talk with my dad last night and pretty much laid it all on the table. Up until now my parents have been supportive, but firm, saying that if I want to get better it's mostly on me to make it happen. Like the saying, you can't swim without getting your feet wet (or whatever it is). But the problem is I can't. And I'm not able to fake it anymore. So I was honest. I go to bed every night hoping to not wake up, and hope all through the day that something real bad happens to me. I don't want to sleep all day because I'm lazy, but because its a respite from life. I was having a hard time sleeping a few weeks ago, and came to the realization that my motivation for living is that I'll get to die at the end.
While these thoughts are obviously troubling, I would NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER do anything to myself, because that would hurt everyone who loves me more than I can even imagine. But at the same time continuing like this is hurting them too. I'm just totally stuck. My mom was out of town visiting my happy, normal sister, and I know when she gets back tomorrow she's going to be beside herself. That I don't have a plan, that I'm 23 and living at home, and that I'm still a complete mental **** up. It's getting to the point where I truly fear I'm going to destroy my family. My mom has said before while yelling at me that I am killing her. She later admitted to me and the therapist that she just said that to try and shock me into action, but I sometimes wonder. And my dad is out of town on business and I'm sure he didn't sleep a wink last night and won't tonight after our talk. I mean I think he at least finally gets the severity of the situation, as he went out of his way to get hold of a good friend and get me into what he believes is a better doctor today, but still. I'm afraid I'm losing the love and and respect of my parents, if they even have any left.
The problem now is that I have to do something. As bad as I feel I know that I have to do something, but I don't know what it is and I don't care anymore. Going back to school has been a goal of mine, but in what? I can't figure a godarned thing out. My parents say now that I won't be in school for the foreseeable future I need to find some kind of job, but I have no clue what to do. I hardly have the motivation to get out of bed and live, so I just don't know. I know I'm intelligent and could probably get many jobs, but I'm not even interested.
I'm just really hoping things improve this time, if not for good at least for a longer period than they have before. I truly am terrified that I am taking time of my parents lives by causing them so much worry and stress. Up until now I've tried to alleviate their sadness by hiding most of my own, but I can't anymore, so the cat's out of the bag, so it's going to cause a whole new set of problems for everyone. My dad has said he's behind me, and he'll explain it to my mom, but I just don't know. Oh, and don't think my mom is some insensitive *****... she just had a very hard home life growing up her self and is much more hardened emotionally than me.
If anyone has any reassuring advice on the whole family thing, or just anything kind to say, I would appreciate it. I just don't know what to do anymore. If you haven't been able to tell so far, "i don't know" has become my life mantra. I know everyone has problems of their own, so I'm sorry to spring this massive manifesto of misery on you guys, but I'm grasping at straws here.