This is my first posting so please be patient with me. I feel as though I am stuck on a hamster wheel, just trudging and trudging but not going anywhere. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in 1995 and it seems I've been getting worse every since.
Lately I feel immobilized or paralyzed by the depression. I am so overwhelmed by everything that I can't bring myself to do ANYTHING. I was reading some postings where people were discussing their hygiene, well, mine has been suffering for months, if not longer. I used to take one or two showers a day and brush my teeth at least twice a day but sometimes it has been as much as a week between showers and a day or two between brushing my teeth. I know this seems gross but I figure why bother when all I am going to do is sit around the house and do nothing or why bother when you just have to do it again anyway so one day turns into another into another and so on.
Our house is a mess and all cluttered, forget about dusting and washing the floors. The state of the house is one of the things, if not THE thing that overwhelms me the most. I used to clean my house at least once a week and pick up every day. I didn't mind having people over or opening my door to the mailman or UPS guy. Now I don't even answer the door if someone comes, I sit there and let the dogs bark until the person goes away. Then I look out the window to see who it was. If we order pizza I go outside and wait for the guy. I don't know where to begin with the house and really don't know what to do when I get started. There's so much stuff and no place to put it.
I tried to describe all of this to my therapist but she told me that I frustrated her because she wonders if all of this is just pure laziness, then she says that if it's not that then she can't imagine being this incredibly depressed. The last time I went to see her she told me not to make an appointment and she would call me. That was four or five months ago. If you feel, or know, that your therapist doesn't care about you, how can anyone else care about you? I say to myself, what of therapist does that make her, but it still bothers me. (I just want to add that my REAL therapist left and went 2 hours away because she needed to get out of the Center I go to and this "new" therapist is one that was recommended to me.) As I'm sure you all know, discussing your depression with friends or family is difficult because they don't understand it and you get the reaction that my therapist had.
So my days consist of the occassional shower then sitting in my recliner for hours on end watching TV and my mind just going and going; mostly thinking about how disgusting I am, how I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, will it always be like this or will it somehow get worse like it has been over the years, how hopeless, helpless, unworthy and empty I feel, just on and on and on. I also go for weeks and weeks staying in the house, just can't bring myself to go out unless I have an appointment. Luckily my roommate, who is bipolar, does the shopping and stuff. I don't know what I would do without her. I know she has problems and demons of her own but she pushes herself to keep going. I really admire her.
Well, I guess I've rambled on enough about my problems, even though I could probably keep going. Thanks for letting me go on, as I'm sure you know, sometimes you just need to vent. Funny thing, though, I wasn't planning on writing what I did but then again I'm not really sure what I was planning on writing. Thanks again.