Thanks so much Karen. And its totally fine that you or anyone else helps me. It just makes me a bit upset when people tell me the same thing over and over and I already know, like the whole doctor talk to someone thing! Its okay! Actually, I ran out of the anxiety med I was taking about
3 weeks ago, I have asked my mom EVERYDAY if she has called. I told her to talk to the doc and see what he wants to do because it wasnt helping enough. SHE STILL HASNT DONE IT!!!! It has made me SO frustrated at her. I ask her and her excuse is(like always) "I've been working all day and I couldnt"... She knows it makes me angry... Okay next
I think that I think before I eat. I think to myself, "well am I going to eat to much or not? Am I hungry or not?" Then I will say "well I can just eat alot and enjoy it then and yes I know that after I get done that Im going to throw it up." I guess because I can eat whatever and then I can just get rid of it... next
Okay, school. I worry about
when I am going to do the work, when it is due, how long its going to take, whether or not I have enough time... etc. I worry about
going my best, of course, thats the perfectionist in me(or as my dad calls it, my OCD). Im still taking the lyrica. Same dose I have been on, @ the last doc appt. he decided to just let me stay on it until I go to a Ped. Rheumy sometime in the next few months. We didnt want to risk screwing up my sleep since it has helped that. So... And as I said before, Im out of the anxiety med and it didnt help unless I took a little more than I was prescribed... next
School is just so stressful. This is my last year so Im trying to make it everything and just get through it. Everytime I get assignments, its one on top of the other and I just get overwhelmed. And its probably not that bad if I would just manage my time better...but I just have zero drive and zero focus and interest. I have a notebook that I write things in so... next
I do know that. I know what all it can cause, and thats scary considering I know its a bad thing to do, it can cause so many problems, yet I still do it. Im not sure why... I worry about
that as I am actually throwing up. I think about
what it is doing to my throat, esophagus, teeth, and even my heart. I know the pros and cons, and we all know regardless how that turns out, but I just... I dont know. I cant figure out why I continue to want to do it... =/ next.
I would appreciate all the help I can get, but I dont think theres that much you guys can do for me, but I could be wrong. I know you guys can listen, support, and encourage me, and if you ask me, that sounds pretty great! Oh yea, my fibro has been horrible lately. I have been hurting all over. And I have been having constant headaches everyday. I think they are stress related and such. I just really want to be away from people, and when I am, I feel like Im in my own world and I want to break down, but I just keep holding everything in.
Thanks for everything. I really do appreciate it. I know I have to change this. I have to fix it. But, its not as easy as just fixing all of this, I have to change that part of me that keeps my guard up and holds things in. Thats what I have to fix.... and I promise to try. Im going to do my best to talk to my counselor, you have my word. Thanks
"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another
word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to
smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."