I was diagnosed with depression last year though I'm not exactly depressed all the time compared to others. I was on medication but didn't find it much different, probably more in my head. I have completed my college course of 4 years and should have the world at my feet but nothings ever right, it wouldn't matter if I had all the money in the world or was a doctor in my chosen course, it's guaranteed I would still find a negative.
I have a few friends, not many though but I think that is my make-up, I'm outgoing to friends but introverted to others. It's strange as I look at people my own age and feel completely disconnected to them. Now I've partied hard during my time on this planet but it's not always the answer, after feeling more outgoing and enjoying life last year I went party mad, the usual stuff that doesn't need to be mentioned and I have no regrets. I go out with a different group of people and I immediately feel I've gone back a few years, the way they behave etc.
I always feel I've disappointed, trying hard to find a job at the moment, I also feel some of these people who have jobs and imo criticize me ( my view of course! ) are somewhat lower than me. Now I understand that comes across as ignorant etc and I accept that but I see what they get up to at the weekend and just feel that why should they have all the confidence etc when they have about
as much class or respect as a san Quentin inmate... They ***** and talk about
people and I find it repulsive yet they seem to have all the breaks.
I also find it hard to get a girlfriend, obviously from reading above it's not hard to see why
... but no one has at all interested me and it's getting pretty worrying at this stage. Girls either feel the need to show off with me or I'm not cocky enough for them or seen to be 'the man'... and as for what I've written above, well, what girl wants to deal with all that....
It's safe to say I don't know what I want.I always feel judged, I'm called gay every other week, or at least once a month and it seems to get along in this society, one has to sell themselves for the lowest price in a saturated market.