Lately I've been feeling this overwhelming depression and anxiety about
life. I have literally no one I can talk to about
it in person, no one who isn't biased anyway. It's so frustrating. I can't focus at work, I can't focus on studying for my pharmacology class, I don't want to hang out with anyone or be intimate or do anything. There's so many things on my mind but the main issue is my love life...
So, I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We've been through a lot and I can't count how many times he's "broken up" with me in arguments, but then an hour later everything is back to normal. But lately I'm starting to wonder if we're really on the same path in life or if this is just not going to work. It hurts to think about it because 4 years is a lot of time invested in a relationship and I can't really imagine being without him, however lately it's gotten easier to consider...
There are so many things involved. I mean, when we first met, we were so in love. Like any new relationship I guess, but this felt different. And there are still days when I love being with him but... Anyway. After 6 months he decided he wanted to move back home to Iowa because things weren't working for him in Florida (job, roommate, etc). So after some discussing and crying, he moved there and 5 months later I joined him. It turned out to be a huge mistake only because I HATED Iowa. I hated the cold, I hated the lack of things to do, I hated the idea of raising kids someday in a town where everyone I met has done meth before, I hated being so far from my family. But I stayed for two years because I didn't know what to do, I just felt kind of stuck, and I didn't want to lose him.
So when the company we both worked for went bankrupt and closed down, we decided it was time to move back to Florida. I was surprised that he came with me but he seemed to be okay with the idea. We've lived back in Florida for 5 months now and things are really just going downhill. We hardly talk anymore.. I don't remember the last time we had a real conversation. And when I try to talk about stuff he always changes the conversation to stupid things like his recent Halo game on Xbox, which I just couldn't care less about anymore. It's all he ever wants to talk about and it hurts my feelings when it seems like he completely disregards anything I say.
I've got a great job, and I'm back in school getting my degree for health information management, and I'm making friends again and that's great. But as for him... He refused to look for a job because he was getting unemployment ($150 a week..) but he did end up getting one recently where he works two or three days a week for maybe 4 hours. He sits around at home all the time and plays video games, doesn't go out, doesn't clean, doesn't cook, where I'm working 40+ hours a week, paying the bills...
But that's not even the part that bothers me. First, he talks all the time about how much he hates Florida. I mean really, he makes at least one snarky comment a day. And it's aggravating. It's like, okay well I'm not moving back to Iowa so what do you want to do?
Then there's the complete lack of trust. On his part. He does not trust me one bit, and it's actually to the point where I can't go out with friends, especially coworkers, because he thinks I'm out fooling around. And I've never given him reason to feel this way. I've turned down so many social invites because I know if I do manage to talk him in to "letting" me go, he'll be sulky and mad about it the rest of the night and be all accusatory about everything. The other night during an argument he said he would never trust me and I said "Well how do you expect to have a long lasting relationship without trust?" and he just said "What are you even talking about?" and completely avoided it.
Oh and don't even get me started on the idea of marriage and kids... One day he'll say "when we have a baby" or "If we get married" and the next he'll be making comments about how he hates kids and people are over populating the earth and he doesn't want to add to it, and how he doesn't believe in marriage and he would never buy a diamond ring because he doesn't want to contribute to the enslavement of South Africa or something.
So then there's this guy at work.... And I've developed a bit of a crush on him And it drives me crazy. I mean, it's not like I've done anything and I wouldn't, I'm not the cheating type. But we talk and maybe he's just smooth and knows how to say all the right things, but... I don't know. I'm so stuck because I don't know what to do. Here's this guy that has the same beliefs and ideals that I do, and we actually talk (a lot) and he makes me laugh and feel happy and desired and funny.
Argh. Maybe it's because someone is actually showing interest in me and making me feel like what I say matters, maybe I'm just acting out of loneliness. I don't know. But now I'm in a frustrating situation and it's making me incredibly depressed. Even 20mg of Lexapro can't stop the feelings, though it does seem to be preventing me from being able to cry.
I feel like I'm in the middle of some sort of existential crisis with a romantic crisis thrown in the mix. I'm worried about the future and whether or not I'm doing the right things with my life. And even if I am, what is the point? And what happens if I break up with my boyfriend and it turns out to be a huge mistake? What if this new guy is just a player who wants what he can't have and is just sweet talking me but isn't interested in a relationship. What am I supposed to do?? I wish I had a magic ball to tell me the answers because I'm so lost and confused that it makes me feel sick. I know no one here can give me the answers and I'll be so surprised if anyone actually read this far!!
Oh my gosh. Sorry for such a long post... It feels nice to actually get it all out I guess, I haven't said any of these things to anyone and it was starting to really weigh on me. Thanks for being here guys. Sorry again.