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New Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/13/2008 6:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi All I'm new to this forum, my name is Julie and I'm 52 yrs old.  I'm married to a Scotsman and live in Scotland I, however am American, I've been here in Scotland about 20 yrs. now.  I have 4 grown children who reside in America and a 13 year old daughter with my present husband, we've been married 16 yrs.
I'm looking for support really, my husband basically is depressed and is suffering a lot of pain with his Fibromyalgia he's been diagnosis with.  He would tell you his depression is caused by his FMS but that's not strictly true, he has had many mental health issues for a number of years, well before his FMS.  He's been to at least 3 different psychiatrists but says they don't understand him and inevitably with his poor attitude they end up letting him go, when I call them they basically say they need to know that he will make an effort to try certain treatments and threapy but he doesn't want to.  I understand depression big time as it runs in my family as well, my mother is bi-polar as well as a few of my brothers.  But my husband illness is driving me around the bend, he's tried many different medications for his depression but he always ends up giving them up as he says he hates the side effects and doesn't want them, full stop.  Our GP who I get on with very well is basically at his wits end has there just is nothing more he can do for him.  My husband has been refered out to at least 10 different specialists for illnesses he's sure he has, everyone of them after extensive testing on him, claims all the tests are negative, he's even had an MRI to confirm he doesn't have any brain tumours. 
I truly want to understand him but his actions are making me feel crazy, tonight for example he got mad at me because he wanted to "borrow" a few of my painkillers, I take these for my Rhumatism which is quite bad.  I'm due to have my knees and then my hips replaced next year and I'm just 51, unfortunately this disease runs in my family, but I never let it get me down and push through my day with a positive attitude, I believe he wants the meds I'm on as they "numb" him to his depression, not his pain. I'm suppose to have help from my husband but he's just to busy worrying over his ill health.  The thing is he self harms, not all the time, but for me even once is overwhelming.  He won't go into our local mental Health hospital as he says he "isn't going to be tarred with that brush."  Our daughter lives in constant fear of losing her dad as he constantly says things like he wants to die, he wishes he was dead and on and on.  He knows how upseting this is for her but he just doesn't seem to care.  He sits in the living room night after night listening to depressing sad music in the dark.  He also has a big problem with anger and so my daughter and I during his angry moods walk on egg shells.  The thing is my health mentally now is taking quite a beating has he keeps me awake till all hours to talk, or I wake up because he turns the music full blast in the living room or slams a door and so on.  I just am at my wits end, any words of support or ideas would be most welcome, has anyone else experienced this and how does one cope. 
I thank anyone in advance for their thoughts etc.
Take care all

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 9/13/2008 9:24 PM (GMT -6)   

Julie, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.  It must be very difficult to have your own health problems and try to deal with your husband.  There are so many different anti depressant meds out there and I find it hard to believe there isn't one that will help him.  I don't know how your health care system works so it is not easy to advise you.  It took 6 different meds until I found the one that really helped me.  I take something called Remeron, generic is called mirtazapine.  I have no side effects from it with the exception when I first started it, it made me sleepy.  But it is a med that is taken at night.  You and your daughter should not have to live this way.  Is there anyway to sit him down and talk to him and tell him how badly this affects your lives?  I would also insist that he see a therapist or psychiatrist and get his situation straightened out.  You cannot go on living like this.  Have you thought about coming to USA to visit your children here?  Maybe some time away from him would be good.  I think he needs to see the whole situation from your point of view.  Also, a therapist is a neutral person and can often see things more clearly.  I wish there was something I could do to help you more but just try to see if you can talk to him(make sure he is in a more rational mood).  Be sure to take good care of yourself. Your health is just as important.  Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  I will always be willing to answer your posts.  There are very caring people here and it is a good place to vent.

Gentle hugs,


Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/13/2008 10:47 PM (GMT -6)   


Welcome to HealingWell.  This is Kitt and I am sorry about your husband's depression and it does sound like he has tried the full gambit of therapy, Doctors and medicines.

I am gald you found us as there are many other spouses on this forum so this topic comes up frequesntly. I support you and I am here for you as are all the members.

The effects of depression can negatively impact every aspect of a person’s life—marriage, home life, work, and friendships. And the burden of living with a depressed spouse can take a heavy toll on the quality of a marriage.

Untreated depression poses a very real threat to a marriage. Recent research indicates that when one spouse suffers from depression, the likelihood is increased that both spouses will have an unhappy marriage.

When one spouse is depressed, the depression colors everything in the relationship. The depressed spouse sees the world through a darkened lens that limits his or her perspective. Any negative events are interpreted even more negatively, neutral events are also interpreted negatively, and the positive happenings are often overlooked.

You are in a situation where you have to take care of you first as you may benefit from therapy for just you. Remember to love yourself and do things just for you.  You deserve to be happy.

Are there any inpatient units your husband would qualify for?

Remember depression is a real disorder. Your husband should not have to feel ashamed as he did not choose depression.

I will pray for you and hope you hubby will go to therapy and stick to it.  It is hard work but he can do it.

Vent way on here all you want as Aurora already said.

Gentle Hugs




Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~* *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42500
   Posted 9/14/2008 7:21 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Julie,

I have fibromyalgia and if somebody told me cat urine would help me I would be out there with meow mix looking for a cat. So I take it that he isn't getting anything from his doctor for pain. It is a hard disorder to get under control. It also makes your depression worse due to the fact that you can't do things like you use to.

I think that getting him into a new doctor who is fibro friendly would help so much. And as stated above, you also need somebody to talk to who is objective to the whole situation. You can only take so much sweetie and you need to be happy as well as your daughter.

Maybe a new doctor would also get him on good antidepressants that work for him. As Aurora says, there are so many different kinds. I, like her took many kinds before I found what worked for me.

Keep posting sweetie, as we are here for you. We can help you along until you can get some professional help for the whole family. Hopefully you will experience some progress soon.

Luv and hugs, Karen...

PS, welcome to HealingWell.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/14/2008 4:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi All, first and foremost thank you all so very, very much for your quick and warm responses.  I felt well, I'm not certain this is the right way to say this, but less burdened and certainly less alone once I read them.  I think each and ever one of them touched on key points which I shall take and hold onto. 
The biggest problem I have with him is his moods and its so very difficult trying to respond in a caring way when he can become very nasty and very overbearing.  My concern at the present time is my 13 yr. old daughter, I feel so much guilt staying here and letting her experience this, she is now seeing a threapist due to anxiety which is turning into OCD, I arranged the threapy as I could see how affected she was by all this.  My husband doesn't accept responsibility for anything he says or does, it's someone else's problem, someone else's fault, even the fact that his behaviour has affected his own child isn't his fault.  He's been on loads and I mean loads of different antidepressive type drugs, he never gives them any time to work and our GP has told him that.
I too think a trip back home to America to visit with my children would help but when I've approached him with this idea I've had to tell him that realistically we could not afford for all 3 of us to go at once, he then tells me I'm selfish about thinking of going and look you can afford to take Amanda our daughter with, you could find the money if you wanted to (which is so untrue) and  then he says it is obvious I don't love him. He also says if I don't let him or arrange for him to come along, well he "might not be living" by the time we get back.  I've tried the approach that my other children need to see me as well as my grandchildren but he just responds with yes, but their my family too, he doesn't get it.
He belittles my medical condition and gets angry that I don't complain about it.  I've tried to explain that as he knows my antidepression medicine works, I've been on Prozac 5 yrs now. Living with him is just plain hard going...
Anyways thank you all so very much,  I feel as I said so much less alone.
Take care

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 9/14/2008 8:39 PM (GMT -6)   

Julie, I am so glad you were able to feel that you were helped by the replies you received.  I think a therapist would be good for you.  I am sorry your daughter has to go through so much because of your husband.  Do you ever think it might not be worth it to stay with him?  Also, he may just be trying to call your bluff when you say you can't afford for all 3 of you to come to USA.  How can he stop the two of you from coming here to visit?  I realize that might not be a possibility.  If you can get him in to a new Dr. maybe he  can get the help he needs.  It is so important to get the right meds and to stay on them and give them a chance to work.  The A/D meds do not work overnight - you don't just wake up the next day and feel better.  He needs to understand that most of these meds take at least 4-6 weeks before they kick in and that you gradually find that you feel better.  I truly am sympathetic to your situation and am willing to listen whenever you need to vent.  So many people have listened to me and given me advice - it has been so helpful and just to know that we truly are your friends no matter what. I am saying prayers for you and hope things will get better. Take good care of yourself and your daughter and do post anytime you need to talk.

Many hugs,


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