I'm usually over on the Ulcerative Colitis forum, but I since I suffer from depression as well, I read through this board. I know what you mean about
not fitting in. I've moved around a lot in my life, both childhood and adulthood. I became very self-reliant, and also a loner. I got so used to making and losing friends that I don't even bother making them anymore. I content myself with work acquaintances because that is really the only social outlet I have.
Somewhere in my life I started putting "stay away" vibes that others pick up on. It doesn't matter where I've moved to, I have a difficult time meeting people. I tend to do solo activities like hiking, backpacking, reading, and keep to myself. I don't make small talk very well, unless I know someone (there's a Catch-22: how do talk to someone unless you already know them and are comfortable with them?!?) This does nothing to help me fit in.
I finally got to a point where I'm sick of moving, so I've settled myself down, and have every intention of being with my employer until I retire. I've been here for over a year, and I honestly have no friends yet. I'm hoping that the more comfortable I get here, the more I'll step out of my comfort zone and take some risks. I joined a local hiking club, but my colitis was flaring really bad this summer, so I was unable to get out hiking with them. I'm hoping that I can get myself healthy and back in shape by next summer, and I will try once again with the hiking club.
I guess this my rambling way of saying that if you don't put yourself out there, you can't expect make connections with others. Instead of viewing your current situation as being totally isolated and disconnected, embrace this time alone, and find activities you like to do. This will help with your confidence, and as you gain confidence, you will find it easier to meet people. More importantly, with more confidence, when you meet someone, you won't have irrational thoughts that the new acquaintances are thinking poorly of you. That is your mind messing with you. If you think others think poorly of you, then you will always be able to find evidence of that. If you believe in yourself, it will be easier to find the positives in any situation.
I noticed that you started this thread back in Sept, and haven't written anything since then. If you do happen to read this (and I hope you do!), HealingWell is a great place to develop your social skills. The members share some of your same experiences, and they understand what you are going through.
I hope to see you around.
36 y.o. male
Diagnosed w/ moderate UC in May '06
Meds & supplements:
Asacol, Florastor, VSL#3, Wellbutrin XL, Prozac, multi-vitamin, Allegra, Lialda, Colocort enema every other night, Prednisone (down to 5mg), flaxseed oil, L-glutamine.