Depressed Husband

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Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 36
   Posted 10/2/2008 11:09 PM (GMT -6)   
My husband was sexually abused at age 13.  He started going to counseling in March to talk to a counselor about it.  Two months later, we started marriage counseling.  By June, he said he wasn't happy and wanted a separation.  He and I have continued to go to counseling, individually and together.  I thought everything was getting better when just two days ago, he told me he doesn't love himself and therefore is not ready to come home because he doesn't know how to love me.  I know he's suffering from a lot of shame and is blaming himself for what happened.  Sometimes he opens up but his personality has changed so much over the years he seems like a totally different person.  His physical appearance has worsened and he seems to suffer from so much internal conflict.  He also has a very stressful job as CEO of a small business.
Throughout all of this, he still wants to see me, talk with me all the time, and even asked me on a date this Sat. night.  Since he's now gone from living in a hotel for 2 1/2 months to looking for an apartment, dating just seems too weird.  The counselor said he's choosing isolation over intimacy with me and that he's definitely depressed.  My husband agreed to try Wellbutrin.  I don't know a lot about depression but do his behaviors indicate he needs medication to help him think more objectively and clearly?  I also don't know how I'm supposed to react with him.  Not certain if I'm ready to "date" him but will be there as a sounding board because I love him very much and want him home.  How long until the Wellbutrin kicks in?  I know it's just a band-aid but will it help?  Please help!!!  Thank you :-)

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 10/3/2008 4:57 AM (GMT -6)   

I agree with what you counsellor has said about choosing isolation over intimacy. I can imagine that your husband finds it very difficult to let people get close to him. I think maybe he should give the medication a try, but he also needs to continue speaking with his counsellor to work through issues from the past. I think sometimes counselling can bring things to the forfront of your mind, that you have been trying to forget about & so things can get worse before they get better. I sense that your husband does need to learn to love himself, before he can show you the same love, I think maybe you will have to be very very patient with him over the next few months.
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42531
   Posted 10/3/2008 11:14 AM (GMT -6)   
I agree with Confused,

I think that patience is the main thing right now. The antidepressants can take four to six weeks to work and for full effect, though they could start working sooner.

I think that you should go out on the date, it sounds like he wants to start fresh. I know that this is confusing to you, but he is going through some very difficult things, and has to learn to accept and love himself before he can love anybody else. So just be patient, it will all work out in time.

Best wishes,
hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/3/2008 12:25 PM (GMT -6)   


Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum,

You have met 2 of our wonderful members and they have advised you well.

I am sorry for your husband but I feel for you and how sad this must make you feel. 

Please remember to take care of you and love yourself.  Know you are a good person and very worthy of happiness.  AS far as your going on a date with him, that must be your decision as your own mental health is involved in this situation as well as your husbands.

Please know I am thinking of you and keep posting.



Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~* *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

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