I went to my company picnic on Saturday. It would have been so much fun... I mean, I had a little fun while I was there, and everyone was glad I showed up. This was a huge thing for me- I never go to social functions by myself!!
My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot, as I mentioned awhile ago, and things haven't changed much. I told him that I want to be able to do things by myself and have friends once in awhile, he thinks I am just cheating on him. So when I told him about the picnic he said I wasn't allowed to go... OR he could go with me but that would undoubtedly end bad.
See, the person he thinks I'm cheating on him with happens to be a guy from my work. We are just friends, and I just like talking to him because he actually listens and whatever but anyway. So he knows the guy's name and it would be just a matter of time before someone said it out loud and my boyfriend would start something because that's what he's been wanting to do. Plus he would sit there the whole time, grouchy, not talking, and texting his Iowa friends on the phone. So I didn't really want him to go for obvious reasons. I didn't feel like it was wrong of me to ask to go to a work related function, and moreover I didn't feel like I should HAVE to ask and have permission.
So I wake him up and say "I'm going to stop by my parents and then I'm going to the picnic, okay?" and he just said "Okay, bye" Needless to say I was a little shocked and thought it would be a blow out fight, so I was like "Are you sure you're okay with it? You're not going to be mad?" He just rolled over and said whatever, just go. I knew that it was going to be a problem but I was just fed up so I left.
Anyway, I'm at the picnic maybe 30 minutes and he starts calling my phone. FREAKING out. Like, "I told you that you weren't allowed to go and if you left I wouldn't be here when you got back" I just couldn't believe it. I was like "You can't tell me I'm not ALLOWED to do something, that's not how things work" and he just kept saying that I'm a lying [expletive] and that I don't deserve trust and that I have to get up right now and get in the car and come home. Of course I just said there was no way I was leaving, I was trying to have fun and get to know my coworkers and I'm not going to put up with him treating me like he's my master.
Well it didn't stop, and he kept calling and texting and making absurd threats like he was going to smash or sell everything in the house and go back to Iowa, or he was just going to put a steak knife through his throat, or whatever. At one point I silenced my phone to try to ignore him and he called me 25 times in a row. I was so embarrassed and angry and felt like an idiot for sitting on my cell arguing with my boyfriend while people are trying to get me to go swimming and have fun. So I just left. I got home and he yelled some more, then I took him to work and by the time he got home it was almost like nothing happened.
To be perfectly honest, I really do believe that he is bipolar, although he is so against psychiatry and drugs for mental health that there would be no way to find out/treat it. I have to hide my Lexapro at work because he said he’d flush it down the toilet if he ever found it again.
Part of me doesn’t think there’s any way this could work and that I’d be happier if we just called it quits, but the other part of me is scared. I feel bad that I moved him and all of his, our, things to Florida and he’d have no way to get it back to Iowa. My parents paid like $2000 for a moving van to get our stuff back here, and there's no way we could come up with that to move him back to Iowa, nor would his parents ever offer to help. And if he did go back he might not have a place to stay. I mean, he probably would but I don't know. I guess I just feel bad and worry what would happen to him if we broke up and I feel like I’m stuck.
He keeps saying this is all my fault and I always ruin everything and I’m never going to be happy and that I’m an evil person. You know when someone says something enough times, it really starts to feel true.