You already had some great advice from what I read. I just wanted to let you know I also used to enjoy the pain, more than the feeling of false happiness. Now I see that we (well, I can't speak for all of us, so read it as "I" if you think it don't apply to everyone) human beings are just always looking for happiness. All our action depends on whether we think would make us the most happy. When I was feeling low, I wouldn't think about
the future, I just wanted the bad feeling to go away, right now. So I did things that made it go away instantly, gave me a rush. I never asked myself the question whether it would make me happy in the long run. I wasn't conscious enough at that moments.
I still experience that feeling you describe quite often, but I become increasingly aware. And when I am aware, I am able to ask myself the question whether the actions I was about
to take will provide me with happiness in the long run. Usually they don't. Just by being aware, the edge is already taken of, and I find it easier to think of things that will make me happy.
Now I realize that there are two ways to achieve my happiness. One way is to have all I want, one way is to cherish all that I can do with the mental and physical things I have access to. For me, that second way is more realistic, since I am a student (which aren't the richest folks these days
). Yet I do have a lot of things I can use, and the more I become aware of the fact that I am lucky to be in my position, the more grateful I become towards life itself. And the closer to real and lasting happiness.
All the best Kythe!
Acceptance is the key
Existential depression and InsecurityTry to keep smiling! :)