Those are some very interesting thoughts Erik. I can think of a lot of things that will bring me some enjoyment at least for the moment, but I have absolutely no idea what would make me happy in the long run. It's something I've been trying to figure out for a long time, especially when I think about what sort of job I'd want to do, and I always come up empty. Right now I tend to watch or read a lot of sci-fi and fantasy, it helps distract me from my pain even if it doesn't give me the same physical pleasure that self-injury would.
It's so strange Kitt, I really don't remember writing anything of the sort. All I can remember was trying not to go into too much detail about anything, but I guess this wasn't the case or you wouldn't have edited it. These memory lapses are so frustrating, but I think it's a part of the fibro. Now I really wish I could see that post so I could prove to myself that it actually happened, but too late for that now. This sort of thing happens all the time at home, my mother will tell me to do something, I have no memory of her ever saying anything to me, and then she gets angry when I didn't do what she asked and doesn't believe me that I don't remember. Well thanks for letting me know what it was you deleted and I'll keep in mind not to write about that in the future.
Well confuzzled, perhaps I'm a bit of a walking contradiction but I'll see if I can explain things a bit better, but keep in mind that I don't understand all of this myself. First of all, the enjoying the pain and enjoying the illness are two separate issues. One doesn't really have much to do with the other. Now at least from my point of view there is good pain and bad pain. Pain that is self inflicted, or perhaps inflicted by a lover with consent, gives an endorphin rush and it feels good. I wish I could give specific examples of this, but it is not allowed. Now with bad pain, such as a headache, fibro pain, a sprained ankle, or being bitten by an animal, these for some reason do not give me an endorphin rush and they are not enjoyable to me. I don't know why voluntary pain should give me pleasurable sensations and involuntary doesn't, but that's just how it happens in my case.
Now as far preferring to be in a state of illness goes, I really can't begin to explain how that one works because I really don't understand it myself. It doesn't make any sense at all to me, I'm miserable when I'm sick, yet I seem to get more depressed when I start to feel better. I've been trying these natural supplements for the fibro because in general I don't tolerate medications very well. I don't know why, but a part of me has been hoping the supplements won't work. It would all make more sense to me if I actually got some sort of pleasure from illness like I have in the past with the self injury, but that fact that I don't is what has me so baffled.
As for the source of my depression, it's been there my whole life long before these feeling of enjoying illness which is much more recent. There are certainly events in my life that have contributed to my depression, but I believe that I might possibly have just been born with a tendency to it. Perhaps my depression stems from always feeling like an outsider. In general I simply don't understand people and they don't understand me either. Even the dozens of therapists I've seen in my life usually end up baffled by me. I have an extremely hard time finding people that I can get along with and if I ever actually do make friends with someone it usually doesn't last long. Right now I don't really have any friends. I have a few people online that I talk to regularly but no friends nearby that I can see in person. All I really have is my family, but I feel like an outsider even among them.
Those are some interesting experiences that you describe serafena, but it hasn't been the same way with me. As someone who used to meditate a lot, I know what it feels like to go into a trance. I have never gone into a trance when hurting myself and I definitely did feel the physical pain. I never felt like I left my body when I did it. There are times I have left my body via astral projection and it was wonderful. Not being restricted by your physical body is true freedom. I haven't been able to do it in years and I think I crave that much more than the self injury. I hate being trapped in my body all the time, it feels like a prison. Though even though I feel that way, it was never a motivation for the self injury. I'm very glad that I never felt like I was leaving my body when hurting myself. If I had that experience from hurting myself, I don't think I would have been able to stop. Not being able to leave my body whenever I want is one of my current sources of depression, and it's something that no one, not even therapists seems to understand.
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